Getting Easier

As the days pass it is getting easier for me to forget someone who I have had feelings for. I no longer converse with him on any platform and he has been less and less in my thoughts. When I decided to delete him from my life I thought it would just about do me in but guess what? It hasn’t!

He shows me nothing and I think he just gets a big hard on reading how someone could care for him without ever meeting him. I’m done with wasting myself on someone who isn’t interested in me. He just enjoys looking at my pics and reading everything I write.

He is one of those that married to young, became wealthy to fast and lives the high life. We have little in common if anything and he has nothing to offer me. Sure if you want to live the high life then you would go for him but for me my life has it’s challenges but nothing that has put me under.

I guess people like attention in any form and yes I like attention to but not being called a bitch is one of them. He thinks he can have anything or anyone he wants and he probably does but they are not quality people and driving a BMW doesn’t make him any better than anyone else.

He travels quite a bit, lives in a grand house that he has even posted a picture of and he has rubbed elbows with the “best of the best” or so he thinks. What he has failed to learn is a common woman like myself has more to offer than his rich and famous women.

I am not one bit envious of him and he has not a single thing that I want including his wealth. There will come a time this year when I am finally involved with someone else and he won’t even be a faded memory. Maybe, the loss of me in his life will make him realize what is really important.

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To Young

My daughter and I have had the marriage talk which means I have told her if she is thinking about marrying her boyfriend she better think again. I have made it clear that if she marries before she finishes college to count me out because I cannot agree to a marriage before she has dated other guys.

I have seen to many divorces of those that marry young because after they have the kids and they are almost grown then the divorce comes. When you marry to young you cheat yourself out of the experiences that you need to make better decisions in your life.

You need to experience different relationships and you need the freedom to do things that young people should do. As you grow your thoughts and feelings evolve and both of you do not grow at the same pace. Yes, it’s all fun and grand to be in love but young love generally doesn’t last.

My daughter is so much more mature than her boyfriend and she makes much better decisions than he does. Yes he is a nice kid but he just isn’t on the same level that she is. Boys mature much slower than girls and my daughter has lived much more than someone her age.

I know it’s going to break her boyfriends heart when she breaks up with him but Im sure he will survive. I cannot help pay for a wedding and she knows it. She has very expensive taste and she wants the best and knows that I can be of no help financially so she will work hard to have a beautiful wedding.

Communication

The best relationships are the ones you can open yourself up to and communicate. If you do not have good communication your most treasured relationships will suffer and sometimes we cannot rebuild those relationships. I have never had a relationship that allowed me to poor out my feelings.

I realize I am a very emotional person and sometimes the way I express myself doesnt convey what I am really feeling inside. The one thing I do know is Im a lovable woman who has so much to give to the right person. I’ve made many mistakes in my life and I have learned so much from those mistakes.

I slapped my son one time and that was one to many times as I have never raised a hand to either of my children before. At the time I had so much stress and worry and my son did something that hurt us as a whole. My son and I no longer have any animosity against each other and I am thankful for that.

The next relationship I have will be one that communication is open and honest and both of us can tell each other what we do not like about each other and that will allow us to change what is affecting our relationship. I want to give my all and the best of me to that one special person. 

Five Years

It will be five years since I have had sex with a man and it isn’t fun at all let me tell you. It’s not for lack of opportunities as I have had many chances to change my sexual status. I just hold sex up high right along with my spirituality and yes my body is a temple to be respected.

Most people would not believe that it’s been five years and wonder how could I live without sex. I live without it because there must be something special between myself and the other person. I had a connection with Celestino but not enough to spread my legs.

When you place sex at the top of your list of things you want then you devalue yourself because we are so much more than sexual beings. I’m very good in the bedroom, kitchen, bathroom ect. because I have made it so and I know what I like and that has helped me to open myself up to learn the importance of sex.

Anyone can fuck you but will they be there for you when your house comes tumbling down around you? Will they be there when you are in emotional or physical pain? Will that person be there when you really need them? Will that person understand and care what is happening in your life?

There are so many nights that I want to be touched and I want to be loved and yes there are many sleepless nights. I take care of my needs to relieve that built u stress and there is nothing wrong with that. I left my vibrator in my bed the other night and the boys found it and brought it into the great room. Im glad I was alone because that could have been very embarrassing if someone else was home or visiting!

To Forgive

I must learn to forgive my husband as well as my mother for all the things that have hurt me so deeply. My husband tried his best I am sure but his best wasn’t good enough at times. My mother was beyond abusive verbally as well as physically and I need to forgive her as Im sure she did the best she could as well.

It’s so hard for me to forgive people who have cut me to the core and I carry that pain around like it is an appendage. People don’t realize how easy it is to hurt others and how that has a profound affect on their lives. It hurts me when people call me names like bitch because it reminds me so much of the abuse I suffered as a child.

People say just let it go but if it were that easy none of us would be carrying so much hurt around. I have tried to have a good relationship with my mother before she got sick but all she did was put me down and take advantage of me. I  know it will hurt when she dies because I have always longed to have a good relationship with her.

It’s to late now to try to rebuild any kind of relationship with her because of her illness and I try so damn hard to forgive her and I think I have but I can never forget and I so want to. I want to forget the abuse and I want to forget the last month of my husband’s life.

My husband would always tell me he was sorry for making such a “mess” when he was dieing. It didn’t matter to me that he threw up his blood or soiled himself as it was my responsibility as his wife and a human being to have sympathy and to care for him.

I hate reliving that time but it seems to always hit me a month before his passing. I sit and cry as I miss him even though life wasn’t a bed of roses. I really need to forgive both my husband and my mother because the only one that suffers from holding on to bad memories is myself.

Never To Forget

It will be three years my husband has been gone on April 26, he passed ten days after his birthday so it’s like a double wammy in the same month. We never forget the day we married, divorced or lost a loved one. Even though my marriage was not fulfilling and happy I still remember my husband’s birthday and the day he died.

We miss the person that has passed but what we forget is God has a grander plan for them and their work on this is earth has come to and end. Would you rather have that person continue to suffer from their illness or be at peace in a better place? Those that die from accidents also have finished their work on this earth.

We are a selfish bunch as we do not want to give up our way of life, our bank account, home, cars ect. and that includes people in our lives. It is so damn hard to let go of those that were a major part of our lives but we have no choice and have to accept the loss.

As I sit here drinking my morning tea I have very vivid pictures of my husband’s last days in my mind. It’s like a movie as it plays over and over in my head. It’s amazing how fast a person can go down hill to death the last month of their life as they try to fight off the illness that they will succumb to.

The kids don’t seem to remember his birthday or the date of his death or maybe they do but just choose not to discuss it. My husband’s death really affected my daughter as the daddy/daughter relationship is so special in so many ways. My daughter talks of getting married one day and wanting me to walk her down the aisle.

I see the sadness in her eyes when she speaks of this special occasion without her dad being part of it and there will be many more events that she would have wanted him to attend. He is proud of her and I have no doubt that he looks down from heaven and says “that’s my daughter”.

To Commit

It’s important to know as much as you can about someone before you commit to them. You need to know how they about religion, politics, family, commitment, children and many more things. People fail to discuss money which is huge in any relationship.

That was a huge downfall in my marriage as I didn’t think to ask about how he handled money or what his bills were. When we married he was forty thousand dollars in debt between credit cards and other bills. I was the one that took our finances and got all of our bills paid off.

I helped pay for private schooling and I helped support his kids and when the oldest one got pregnant I paid for all of her maternity clothes and she lived with us. His girls had been taught that it was his responsibility to constantly be there financially for his kids.

It was so unfortunate that these girls didn’t appreciate anything and were quite demanding. We had a baby on the way and his oldest daughter wanted us to pay for college and an apartment along with a car but we couldn’t afford it and she got pissed off at us.

She tried to blame me for her parents not getting back together three years after they were divorced and she told me I stood in the way of them reuniting. I became the fall guy for everything which it is so easy to blame the step parent which is so wrong.

I do not have a relationship with either girls and because they are self absorbed and selfish and I refuse to let anyone blame me for their relationship or lack of one with their dad. I went out of my way to bring them back into the fold when he was dieing and Im glad I did because it was important for my husband to lay to rest the problems between him and his girls.

I never tried to cut them out of our lives but instead tried to make them part of our family but the issues he had with them ran to deep and the wounds never did heal. They have to live with themselves and Im sure they suffer from bouts of guilt but that is something they have to deal with.

Travel

I love to travel and see new lands and ways of life and my daughter wants to go to Australia one day and that’s all she talks about. Maybe one day I will be able to afford a trip there but that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. I would travel to any foreign land at anytime as it’s so refreshing to me to travel.

I would really like to get a motorhome and travel across the united states and go back to the Grand Canyon. It’s such a beautiful place and the sunsets are to die for. I’ve never been out west and that is something I will do one day. When you travel extensively you lose the excitement of visiting new lands as the mystery is already gone.

You learn to appreciate what you have when you travel to countries that are third world and you see things that tear at your heart. One thing I have learned is you have to be so careful with those that you help because they will take advantage of you the first chance you get.

Being an american I have been viewed as a wealthy woman and I think most americans are viewed that way in the poor countries. You can help people but they always want more from you and that even happens in the united states as people use people everyday.

Im thankful for what I have and I make it from month to month which is important to me. Taking care of my children is at the top of my list and their health and welfare mean more to me than my own. I could give my kids more than I do but they need to understand that doing for yourself is more important than relying on others.

First Dates

Most people go to dinner or meet for drinks on the first date and that is fine but so vanilla. For me the first date needs to be something the two people can do together, horseback riding with a picnic, ziplining, something exciting. I get bored so quickly and when there isn’t a connection then there is too much silence between the two of you.

I’ve always been taken to dinner which is fine and it does give time to discover each other but I am looking for the guy that breaks out of the mold. I like to hear men talk about their children but don’t let that dominate the conversation because who likes to watch home movies? Get my meaning?

It’s also nice when he is “friends” with his ex and they put their children first.When you have young children I do not believe they should meet the person you are dating for at least three months. It’s not fair to the child to introduce someone to soon into the mix because if things don’t work out it can affect the children.

I do not like when a guy tries to get me into bed on the first date and I will not date him again because that shows me he just wants to get laid. I like intelligent and funny guys that can be silly and laugh at themselves as I am that way and Im always laughing at myself.

The man who catches my heart will make the first date memorable and fun and keep seriousness at bay. I do not like getting serious on the first date and I do not like being told what and what I can do with my life. Im the type of person you either love or hate from the get go and I make no apologizes for that.

I cannot remember when I had a really great date, a date that makes me drool for more time with that person and that is what Im looking for. I need that connection and because I have such a neopolitan personality that its hard to find someone who can appreciate me for the person I am.

Age Appropriate

The biggest mistake men make when dating is not dating age appropriate women. If you’re 50 you shouldn’t be dating women in their 20’s because there is nothing in common for the most part. When you date to young you are setting yourself up for failure unless all you want is to get laid.

If you are looking for a relationship that will eventually be solid you have to date someone closer to your age as there is a mandatory maturity that comes with age. You do not want someone who is only out for what they can get from you and then dump you for someone younger.

I don’t date men that are more than ten years younger than myself because they have no idea how to relate to me. There has to be common interests and understanding of many different things in life. I do not want some young guy with a hot body that I know will always have a wandering eye.

Younger men are to immature for me and they do not know how to treat a lady respectfully. They have no idea that open doors for a lady is important or pulling out a chair for her. It’s a shame that the world has changed so much and respect is no longer a given.