Wasn’t So Easy

Walking in the fog

I tripped over you

Like a log

I didn’t see it coming

I didn’t feel a thing

It just knocked me over

Carried me away

I just realized how deep today

My love has grown and

I will never be the same

I have to stop feeling

What is in my heart

And put it all away

Living without you

Is the way it will 

Always be

So I must say

Goodbye, can you 

Understand me???

So Annoying

All of us have things that people do that annoy us and I really get annoyed when people say they are going to do something and they don’t. If you tell me you are going to call me you damn well better call or if you tell me you are going to pick me up or meet me at a certain time dammit be on time!

When people are running late and they don’t call to let me know then that shows disrespect as far as I am concerned. I have someone who said they were going to call me the next day and they didn’t, no text no nothing until today. I received a text from him today and my attitude is fuck it.

I do not wait for anyone and when you do not have follow thru then you do not sit well with me. I haven’t acknowledged his text and I have no plans of doing so. He says he has a crush on me and all he knows of me is my pictures and online communication or texting.

He called the other night and we only spoke for a few moments because I had taken a pain pill and had gone to bed. I go to bed around nine, yes an early bird I am as I get up at six to see my son off to school. He wanted to come and visit me next month but we have not had enough communication for me to feel comfortable meeting him.

I have no doubt I do a ton of shit that annoys others but hey take me or leave me and if you cannot tell me what I am doing to upset you then I cannot correct the situation. Im pretty easy going and not much really bothers me about other people but I am a stickler when it comes to follow thru.

What’s Really Important

People place different values on relationships and what they think is important and I am no different as I think there are certain things that make a healthy relationship. The first thing for me is trust because if you cannot trust your partner you have nothing that will stand the test of time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCxenDKXXRY

Devotion is the second thing that is important to me because being devoted to someone you stand by them in the worse of times and you defend that person to the death. When your partner will not defend your honor and the person you are then once again there is not a good foundation.

IMG_0878

It’s also important to be there for your partner in the most trying of times and you are willing to compromise to work out whatever difficulties the two of you may have. No one is always right and sometimes both people are wrong and have to be big enough to shut their mouth, take a step back and weigh the importance of the situation.

To give in is not to be defeated it shows that the love is more important than picking up your sox or arguing over silly things. It seems the smallest of things that upset the apple cart can get blown out of proportion and people get so stuck on being right that their stance destroys the relationship.

When in love I want to give that person everything I have to give and no I cannot afford to buy gifts but when I give of myself that in itself is a gift. When you can love, honor, defend, support and always be there for the one you love then you have a pretty solid foundation to build upon.

Let It Flow

One of the hardest things in the world is to open your heart to someone when you have been hurt so deeply in the past. It takes so much strength to expose yourself and allow yourself to be vulnerable once again. I’m really scared to allow anyone in as I am so afraid of being hurt.

Some women fall for a man who gives them expensive gifts and everything they want materially but for me that means nothing as love doesn’t have a price tag. I have dated wealthy and somewhat famous men but the connection was never there so I walked away from the situation.

I realize I am middle aged and a curvaceous woman and most men want younger and thinner women but that is because we are seduced by the vision our eyes drink in. When you get past the physical and look into the person’s soul you will either find what you really want and need or you don’t and yes it is that simple.

The man who chooses the younger and thinner women end up finding out that those woman do not hold the heart empire as they are looking for financial security and a father to their children. The older woman has earned her curves, raised their family and know what they want out of life without reservation.

As for myself my heart is pure and my spirituality is the best thing about me because I am a giving and loving woman who doesn’t need a man to care for her financially. I have almost raised my family and no I am not perfect and have made so many mistakes in my life but that can never take away from the person I am and Im good with that.

Foreigner Odd

I have noticed that foreign men act very different from men in the U.S. as they are so much more romantic but they seem to laugh or giggle at so much. Foreign men seem to be a bit odd in that way but the one thing I really like is that they put family first and foremost.

Even when they get divorced they still take care of their families, American men also do that but there isn’t that closeness and it is sad. When foreign men are in love they seem to treat their mate as if they are on a pedestal and it’s all so damn hot to me. I so want that type of man in my life but wishing and hoping will never make it so.

There is never enough laughter or love in my life and I know the man who brings that back into my life will be my life long mate in time. The next man I am with will get all of me, not a piece or just the good but also the bad but I know he will accept me for who I am and make me feel special and we all need to be special now don’t we?

The Emptiness

Do you ever feel empty? Devout of any emotion? As if you are nothing but a shell? That’s how I am feeling right now and I do not know why. I feel like the abandoned ship upon rough seas awaiting the squall heading my way with the power to flip me over and swallow me in my entirety.

Im feeling nothing but lost and alone and I think it’s because Im trying to grasp the reality that there is no “we” and never will be. I believe in a higher power and I do believe in soulmates but maybe just maybe I have been so wrong about the person I have thought to be my soulmate.

Even though I have thought he was divorced the truth is he isn’t and never will be and I have to close this chapter of my life and move on. Im working on putting my emotions in a jar and throwing them on a deserted island and forgetting what I have felt for so long.

At one time I thought I was talking to one man when it was actually two and I feel so stupid for not knowing this before. I have never had a deep love since I was sixteen and that was nothing more than my first young love. I wouldn’t have sex with him so he fucked my best friend and I walked in to find her under his bed naked.

That was devastating to me and took me years to get over and I haven’t felt love anywhere close to that again. I have been played over and over and I finally am ready to change that. Even “he” thinks he is playing me and he enjoys getting a rise out of me and it’s time to cut him loose.

He will never meet me because he is afraid of what he feels and those feelings could destroy what he has with his wife. I do not want to be part of hurting anyone but I am hurting myself by hanging on to what could be what should be. I am slowly closing the book and yes I feel horrible but I will survive as I always do.