Control

My best friend is married and the only time I can talk to her or do things with her is when her husband is working. He doesn’t like when her friends call when he is home because he wants her full attention. We can never do anything either when he is home from work.

Why do people let themselves become controlled like puppets by their mates? Why can’t two people be together and have friends and do things with their friends when their significant other is home? It’s not healthy to be in this type of relationship because what happens is the friends stop calling or trying to spend time with you.

Bob always felt left out when I spent time with my friends and he even told me once that I was away from the house to much. He wanted to be the center of my world, my attention constantly. When he died my friendships dwindled as I became a threat to my married friends.

When you become single again friendships change drastically and you are a third wheel and a threat. Your friends have already chosen sides during a divorce and you lose those friendships over the life of the divorce. Why do people feel they have to choose?

I never wanted any of our friends to have to choose sides but they did regardless and it wasn’t fair to me. We had a friend Judy who worked for Bob at the mill and we were friends until the divorce. Judy chose Bob’s side and pretended to continue to be my friend when she stabbed me in the back and told Bob everything I was doing.

She borrowed a considerable amount of money from Bob and never paid him back, she totaled his car and stole money from him when he was in the hospital. Bob made her promises he couldn’t keep giving her the idea that she was going to move into my home when the divorce was over and help Bob with the kids.

A month before he died she called him in the hospital and he told her he was coming home with me. I could hear her calling him every name in the book and she was screaming and yelling at him. I do not know if she knew he was dieing but the piece of shit that she is treated him terribly.

Once Bob died I found out how much that bitch stabbed me in the back and all she was after was living in my home and latching onto my kids social security. The bitch actually told me she had every right to take control of my family because Bob and I had put her in our will to care for our kids if we died at the same time.

She didn’t come to the funeral because she knew I would kick her ass for what she had done and she even stole personal posessions which belonged to my kids. Once again, money was the driving force behind her actions as she spent her money on getting her weave done and fake finger nails along with driving a cadillac.

Women can be such cunts and yes they will stab each other in the back to get a man as most women want what they can get out of a man. Bob would never have had a physical relationship with her because he wasn’t capable and because she was black and he would never subject my kids to a multi racial relationship.

The bitch thought she had Bob under her thumb  but the truth is most people going through a divorce will get back together if the situation is right. Bob didn’t want to die alone and in the hospital and I could never do that to him anyway because Im not that type of person.

What?

What is it you want to know about me? Do you want to know if what I type is true? Do you want to know if my skin is really soft and my hair smells wonderful? Do you want to know if I am as sensual as my writings? Do you want to know if I can cook wonderful meals and treat my man like he has never been treated?

What keeps you coming back to read and reread everything I write? To listen to the music I post? Do you want to sit next to me and have me whisper sweet words into your ear? Do you wonder what my hands would feel like grazing your body? Do you get excited at the thought of practicing karma sutra with me?

Do you want to know if Im as silly and funny? Do you want to hold me when things get really rough for me? Do you want to be my lover, my friend? If these are your wants what is keeping you from reaching out to me? Why are you holding yourself back from just being with me?

I know one thing if you never go after what you want it will not walk up to you and sit on your lap, it will not walk up to you and embrace you. If you do not reach for your wants they will disappear before your eyes leaving you wondering what could have been.

The Fear

We are born fearless but as we grow we become aware of the pain that life holds. We fear physical pain and rejection the most and rejection is the number one fear we have. I have experienced rejection many times in my life and no I do not like it one bit but what can you do?

We cannot make someone love us let alone like us and when we deny ourselves the chance to find out if we will be rejected we are stunting our own growth. I have found wealthy people are so used to getting whatever and whom ever they so chose that the thought of being rejected by another just doesn’t have a place in the play book.

They cannot fathom the thought that someone wouldn’t be interested in them because they buy everything and everyone and it becomes a way of life for them. The very thought of rejection from another is something that they just cannot grasp because most people are so damn material.

When you get whatever you want or whom ever you want then you do not experience defeat at any level. I have found wealthy and famous people do not know how to deal with rejection because they have never had to deal with it. What they fail to realize is they just need to be themselves and that alone will more likely than not get them where they want to be.

As long as someone is real with me and treats me with respect they are accepted into my world but once they try to wave their wealthy status in my face, Im gone with the wind. I do not want fake or plastic in my life and I like a person that is secure enough to show their real selves.

The key to getting into my world is to be funny, intelligent, kind and giving and when you let yourself be yourself than those traits come out unless you have no personality. I think everyone wants to impress others in some way at certain times but you can take that a bit to far as well.

Ive been flown to Maine for lunch which was impressive but it didn’t keep me with the person because I need more than to be impressed. It’s nice to have someone want to impress you but just dont take it to far or you will lose the very person you want the most.

Change

Most people do not like change and they rebel against it in many different ways but for me change is welcome, in fact anticipated. This is the year for many changes for myself as well as my family. We will be selling the rv, property in fl and our home. I think the kids need the changes as bad as I do.

This is the year to wrap up the 0ld and welcome the new and I really cannot wait to sell this house. We become so attached to our way of live and yes a house can hold much of what we need to delete from our lives. My home was custom built, it was my husband’s desire to have bigger and grander, not mine.

This house was never “ours” but more so it was his so he could show off to people. Im not a show off and do not care what others think of me and I do not need the attention that he did. Im still pissed at my husband for so many things but once I meet someone else I will be able to put behind me the anger.

When you get involved with someone everything is new and exciting and you look forward to the phone calls, texts and spending time together. The laughter returns to your life and yes you become happy once again. Once again you have someone to share your accomplishments with as well as your failures and it feels comforting to know you have someone you can put your trust into.

That is what I am looking forward to the most, someone I can trust and share my inner most secrets, hopes and dreams. I am not looking for someone to give me material things, o no I want what you cannot buy, borrow or trade for. I just want to feel the comfort of arms and the understanding and love of another, is that to much to ask for?

Conversation

Im no brainiac but Im no mental light weight either and I need stimulating conversation to keep me from being bored to tears. I have found some very good people online that give me the mental stimulation I require but to be frank, most of the conversations online are boring.

So many people are looking for sex online and that is what the conversations are limited to. When you are online you can let your guard down and say pretty much whatever your heart desires. People don’t realize that these conversations are generally quite shallow and boring at best.

The most intelligent person I have ever known was my dad, his IQ was off the charts and we always had the best conversations about anything and everything. I didn’t get to know my dad until after I had children which put me close to the age of forty. I didn’t get the opportunity to be with my dad as most people do and I miss him terribly.

Our parents have the key to our past and where we came from and they are the only ones with so many answers that we need. My dad taught me so many things in a short time and I was very lucky to have had him even though it was a short time. My mother gave new meaning to an abusive parent and yes I did learn a lot from her, mainly what I didn’t want in my life.

I believe in taking care of our elders but my mother is verbally abusive even though she has had two major strokes. I do not have the ability to care for her physically or mentally so it is best she stays where she is. My mother actually called me this year to wish me a happy birthday even though it wasn’t on my birthday.

It’s sad to talk to her as she has to take time to think about every word she speaks and she gets lost in thought so much of the time. I do not wish her ill will but I cannot be her whipping post and I cannot take care of her. It’s amazing how conversations can be so stimulating but also so painful.

I really miss good conversations and I have come to detest boring conversations online. In fact, I have been ignoring people who contact me online because I already know that the conversation will be total superficial and boring as hell. It’s not that I think Im more intelligent than others its just that I need some mental stimulation.