Never

You will never touch my skin or feel my lips upon yours, you will never smell my hair or feel my hands on your face or chest. You will never hear my laughter or see me cry, you will never be part of my life and we both know it. You can continue to jet set around the world and fuck your choice of women but I will never be one of them.

We will never share a meal or a bed and your arms will never be around me because you have your head stuck up your ass. Im nothing more than your online entertainment and that has to stop as well. Sweetie, believe me you are not all that and you have your own issues to deal with.

Blame it on getting married to young but the truth is your issues go much much deeper than that and a healthy relationship has not been part of your life. You will one day realize that the woman you need is in me not your piece of asses from Canada to Germany no matter how pretty they are and yes you will miss me and continue to wonder what could have been.

Unsettled

I have had this terrible pain in my stomach that comes and goes and its associated with a major decision I made at the beginning of the week. When I get upset it settles in my stomach and it shows that I am very upset about something that I really shouldn’t be. Most people get upset cry and let it go but Im not that way.

When something gets me really upset I get sick to my stomach not once, not twice but for days. I do not know why I just cannot cry it out and move on but I cant. I’ve been so sick over this shit that my daughter has been teasing me and asking me if I am pregnant, which of course I am not.

Its not often that things in my life affect me this way but when they do believe me I do so suffer. I can’t sleep for the pain and I’m up most of the night waiting to see if Im going to have to throw up. I slept on the bathroom floor last night because I wanted to be close to the toilet in case my stomach betrayed me.

My daughter knows something is wrong because I get very quiet when Im upset and I do not joke around like usual. I havent told her anything because she is so damn level headed and cannot understand why I get so upset over things I cannot control. I try not to talk to her about things that upset me because she has enough to deal with in her daily life.

I need to learn how to control my emotions instead of letting them control me but it isn’t that easy for me. I’ve always been an emotional person and yes sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I’ve made the right decision for my life but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to live with.

Tasting

Women are like thirty one flavors to men as they like to sample women and what they have to offer. There are men that have married to young and divorced and they like to date many different women before they settle down. It’s as if one woman has the traits the man likes but not enough of the traits to make the woman a keeper.

Then we have the wealthy man who can get just about any woman they want because of the big bank account and yes women will do or say anything to get their hands on that wallet. These men like to sample a variety of women because they can but could they get these women if they were the average man?

These type of men are so used to getting whatever and whom ever they may choose but they do eventually run across the woman who isn’t interested in what they have but who they are as a person. These men like the power and control they have and yes they can control people because once again money is involved.

When they run across the woman who isn’t interested in their wealth and will not be there at the beck and call it gets them confused and they cannot understand why their charm won’t work on this type of woman. She will walk away because she knows her worth is priceless and money means nothing in the main stream of life.

A man who walks away from this woman is a fool and he eventually knows it because he has dated other  that just do not fit the bill for him. He samples other women throughout the world but he always seems to come back to that one woman who is such a mystery to them.

These women give the man every chance to step up to  the plate but when they do not the women literally walks away. If you are this type of man do not think that this woman will wait for you as she will not and once she gets involved with someone else you will become nothing more than a fading memory and you have lost that special woman forever.

Find Myself

I’ve lived my life like a tumble weed, no direction to follow as I went with the direction of the wind but that is all changing as I  am finding my way. I thought I needed you, I couldn’t breathe without you but I have found that I am fine without you as I have realized that I do not need you.

I reached out so many times to find no one there to take my hand to guide me through the stormy weather. I thought one day soon you would show yourself but you have not and can I blame you? No, you live your life and I live mine but I can no longer cheat myself of what should be mine.

I wish you happiness and I wish your hopes and dreams fulfill you because I am not enough for you and I realize that. Im not a puppet, Im not a follower I am just me and right now I feel hollow. This will change in time but unfortunately  I cannot be the one you want.

I will always be fine, I will always do what I think is right and I will move forward without being your wife. Time heals all wounds or so I am told and I believe I will always be alright without you. Im setting myself free as I let go of you and me. Forget me as I will forget you and move forward into this life, this life which is a zoo.

Difficulties

It’s been very difficult for me to maintain our lifestyle since my husband passed away. I’ve managed to pay the bills and keep our home but I have had to cut back on most things that are not essential. I’m ok with that but I feel as if I have cheated the kids out of things that they should be able to do.

The kids don’t complain and they see how hard I have struggled to make things work for us. We are ready to sell the house and move into one which is more cost effective and easier to maintain. Leaving this house is important because my husband is here and there’s a constant reminder of what once was.

I will have to take a loss on the house but as long as I have enough money to pay off the second mortgage and buy another home with a little money left over I will be content. I do not have the ability to decorate and my daughter wants to decorate our next home which is fine with me.

It’s important to let her pick and chose most of the things that we will be needing because I want her to feel that the next house is really hers. Once Ryan graduates it will be the two of them living in the house because I need to find another home in a warm climate.

I will eventually find myself falling in love again and no doubt getting married again but Im not looking for that at this time. I prefer to have a solid relationship and most men want to marry because they do not want another man taking “their woman”. Getting married isn’t mandatory to me but Im not opposed to it either.

If and when I do marry again I have no interest in planning a wedding and it will be up to him to plan the wedding. I will of course pick out my dress and my daughter will no doubt help plan things. I would like to just get dressed and show up and be totally surprised which is common for a bride.

Im actually fine with just living together because I believe that when you commit yourself you do not need a piece of paper to make it so. It would be nice if he had a medium to large family because I so love family and get togethers and family is everything to me.

It’s hard not having my family any longer and it gets so lonely because I have no one that I trust to talk to about things pertaining to my life. My kids are not in trouble, they don’t do drugs and yes my son has some issues but even he is doing much better these days.

This year so many changes will take place in our lives and Im looking forward to those changes as I have had it pretty hard the last three years. I do not make a lot of money but I do make enough to live comfortably because I do not need expensive things to make me smile.

I’m looking forward to being debt free once again and meeting the man that will make my life feel fulfilled and yes this is going to happen this year. I will once again feel love and be loved and I so look forward to sharing my life with someone who appreciates the little things.