To Forgive

I must learn to forgive my husband as well as my mother for all the things that have hurt me so deeply. My husband tried his best I am sure but his best wasn’t good enough at times. My mother was beyond abusive verbally as well as physically and I need to forgive her as Im sure she did the best she could as well.

It’s so hard for me to forgive people who have cut me to the core and I carry that pain around like it is an appendage. People don’t realize how easy it is to hurt others and how that has a profound affect on their lives. It hurts me when people call me names like bitch because it reminds me so much of the abuse I suffered as a child.

People say just let it go but if it were that easy none of us would be carrying so much hurt around. I have tried to have a good relationship with my mother before she got sick but all she did was put me down and take advantage of me. I  know it will hurt when she dies because I have always longed to have a good relationship with her.

It’s to late now to try to rebuild any kind of relationship with her because of her illness and I try so damn hard to forgive her and I think I have but I can never forget and I so want to. I want to forget the abuse and I want to forget the last month of my husband’s life.

My husband would always tell me he was sorry for making such a “mess” when he was dieing. It didn’t matter to me that he threw up his blood or soiled himself as it was my responsibility as his wife and a human being to have sympathy and to care for him.

I hate reliving that time but it seems to always hit me a month before his passing. I sit and cry as I miss him even though life wasn’t a bed of roses. I really need to forgive both my husband and my mother because the only one that suffers from holding on to bad memories is myself.

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