I am a believer that those that have crossed over come back into our lives and they validate that they are with us in one way or another. I have been thinking so much about my departed husband lately and it is as if he is standing next to me. He comes to me and he tells me things that people would think are complete bullshit but I know better because I believe he comes back to visit me. He tells me that someone special is coming to me but the person is so afraid of their feelings that they try to run from what they feel.

He tells me this man is to be a major influence in my life and he will change my life forever once he allows himself to feel again. My husband assures me that I will not be alone that much longer and that this man is the gift from God that I have waited my entire life for. My husband tells me he is sorry that he didn’t give me what I needed but he gave me two children which is part of what I did need at that time in my life. He tells me it is time to sell my home and to move on leaving the memories with the house and he tells me to let go of the anger.

He knows that I am still pissed at him and he tells me that the sooner I let go of the anger the happier I will be and of course I already know that. He also has told me that I am making the right changes in my life and that the upcoming surgery I am going to have is exactly what I have needed for a very long time. He tells me that I have been cheating myself by hanging onto the memories that bring me such pain and that I am also cheating my children and I must let go.

He tells me that I have to open my heart and let love in but I am just not there yet even though I may think I am. He tells me to let the love in and quit sending out such negative vibrations and start sending out more positive energy. He told me that my new website is a teaser and that the site is nothing like what people think it is about. How would he know this? How would he have this information? He tells me the little boy that comes to me is relying on me to bring happiness into his life through his father.


The Swing Set

When I was growing up I lived on my grandparents farm and they lived off of the land going into town only for items such as toilet paper or possibly laundry detergent. My grandmother probably made her own laundry soap I do not remember but I do know that my grandparents butchered their own meat and grew their own fruits and veggies. My grandmother used to  chop the heads off of the chickens and then she would pull out all of their guts and then submerge them in a huge container of boiling water.

She would build a fire and put the metal container on to boil and then she would dunk the chickens in the water to make plucking their feathers so much easier. I can remember her cutting of their heads and hanging them from the cross bars on the swing set to drain their blood. I loved being raised on a farm and going into the garden to snatch a fresh tomato or two and take bites of the juicy fruit and letting the juice run down my chin. Most women of today would be seriously grossed out if they had to see a dead chicken let alone a dead chicken with no head.

I think raising children on a farm teaches them so much that can not be taught in the city and the love of the land is something that is special and unique. There is nothing that smells better than a handful of the earth and I have been  very fortunate to grow up with the land being my leader. I love the smell of a barn and horse and cow manure excites me not gross me out because I love the farm and the animals that make up a farm. There is something special about a farm and you really appreciate it more if you grew up on a farm.

I would love nothing more than to retire to a farm and enjoy what comes with farming and believe me I wouldn’t miss the city a single bit. I am quite content with watching the grass grow and watching Gabe and Mike run free in the field behind my house. I would give up everything to go back to the days when I was just a young child living off of the land and happiness came in the shape of a home made apple pie or fried chicken and biscuits. How I miss those days so much and long to go back to those days.

When You Know

There are times when you just know something or you have felt that you have experienced something before and this also goes for knowing when someone belongs in your life and you just know that you belong with that person. People can deny the truth but the truth is that certain people do belong together and they do end up together in time no matter how hard they may try to ignore these feelings they come to pass. You can try to hide from what is going to pass but you will never succeed.

Two people can live across the country from each other but one day they will come together and one of the couple will relocate to be with their partner. These two people come together because it is fate that they meet and it is meant to  be no matter how much they may deny their feelings, their feelings will always  come out on top. When two people are spiritual beings they will explode like fireworks when they finally do meet because there will be so much emotion between the two.

When these two come together the love is like nothing they have ever felt or ever thought could exist because it is so unique and different from anything they have ever felt. People try to deny such emotion can exist and they will try to hide from it but they will always fail because they want that emotion and they want the depth of such a relationship. When you open your heart and begin to trust yourself then and only then will you have such a relationship in your life.


My daughter was watching a show about little people and it got me thinking  about little people porn and if there is such a thing. My daughter wonders what it is like to have a dick and balls and riding a bike, lmao. She wonders what it feels like to have  such equipment just hanging around and if it becomes bothersome. I cannot imagine some three foot guy having some huge cock and doing sexual acts on film, lol I know it is kind of twisted to think about such things but what can I say? roflmao


It is so easy to tell when two people have a connection as their body language speaks volumes. When you are with someone and they are always touching you, leaning into you as the two of you talk and always looking into your eyes then there is a connection that that person feels towards you. When there is no connection you can instantly feel the coldness between you and the other person and there is no touching or leaning into you as the two of you talk. When the date is going really good it ends up with a kiss.

The kiss tells you everything you need to know about that person and their desire or lack of desire to spend more time with you. When you kiss someone you should feel the connection long before your lips meet for the first time and you should feel an attraction that draws you into that person. A kiss should come on slowly and you should be able to see the desire in their eyes and then you should feel that kiss all the way to your toes if the connection is a strong one.

It has been quite some time since I have kissed someone and of course I miss it but just because I miss it doesn’t mean I am going to run out and find someone to make out with. I feel the same way about sex as I miss it so much but refuse to jump into bed with someone just for the sake of getting a nut off. I think the worse feeling in the world is having sex with someone and they fuck you and get up and have some excuse to leave, now that isn’t a feeling I ever want to feel and I never will either.


The sun is shining so brightly today and the boys as well as Khloe are basking in the sun. When it is sunny I feel so much better as do most people in Michigan because so many do suffer from seasonal affect disorder. I really hate the winter weather and the cold and I am looking at possibly relocating to California in another year or so. The kids will be old enough to take care of themselves without me there leading the way and I think Ryan will be ok on his own as his sister will have to share the house with him.

He doesn’t realize that there is no maid service and Shelby will not clean up after him so he will have to learn the hard way to take care of himself. He is more than capable but he has taken advantage of his sister as well as myself but that will all come tumbling down around him. Boys are used to have their mothers and sisters there to take care of them and I think they come to rely on them because they have always been there for them. My son knows how to cook and clean as well as do his own laundry so he will be able to survive without me.

I do not need much to survive and to thrive, a small place to live is about all I really need because I have chosen to live a simple life because I do not like the burden of a big house and all the work that goes with it. I may end up just buying a mobile home who knows where I will be in a year but I do know I am so ready to relocate to a warmer climate. I have thought about moving to Georgia or Florida but now I am thinking going west because of the good year around weather.

It will be interesting driving cross country taking my time and soaking in the sites as I have never really spent much time out west. The boys and I will have quite an exciting time and maybe I can find someone interested in traveling with me. I just have to be so careful because I was once such a trusting soul but have learned you can not trust anyone in this world as everyone has an agenda and people are so me me me oriented these days. It would be nice to meet someone with the same values and morals as myself but I will not hold my breath waiting to meet that person.

So Close

There are times that we are so close yet so far from our goal or the person we so wish to be with and we just cannot let ourselves pass that invisible line. It’s as if we would drown if we step past that barrier that keeps us from moving in the direction we so wish we could let ourselves. We build up fears that do not exist and we shy away from what we need the most or wish we had and we do this because we are so damn afraid of what could happen. There is that one special person that is waiting for us and almost everyone has a special person.

If you are happy with your life as it is then you wouldn’t want more out of your life now would you? You wouldn’t feel that your needs are not being met and you wouldn’t keep searching for that one special person. Some people find their special person but are to afraid to make a move in their direction and they sit back and fantasize about what could be or should be. While you sit back and live in  a dream state that special person is looking for fulfillment in their lives and no they will not wait forever.

They will move on and they will end up settling for less than they deserve because one can only be lonely for only so long. You may be one of those guys that bang as many women as you can to validate that you are desirable but the truth is they didn’t bang you for any other reason than to get what they wanted out of you. Most women use men and men use women in return but there are a few of us out there that value ourselves and do not sell ourselves to the first bidder.