So Robotic

The closer it gets to the third anniversary of my husband’s death the more I think about the last moments with him. I knew he was going to pass but my mind went into “shock” mode. I had walked into our bedroom and even though I knew by his death rattle that he would be gone shortly it felt so surreal.

I went into a state of denial as I continued to give him morphine and I wiped his face after he passed. I sat there holding his hand for the longest time and I could feel his soul taking flight. It’s so difficult knowing someone is dieing before your eyes, that person is leaving you forever and you will never see them walk this earth again.

It takes a very long time to let go of the anger that comes with grieving and sometimes it follows you for years afterwards. The only way to let go and to forgive him as well as myself is to be involved with someone else. That time hasn’t come my way as of yet but I know it will eventually.

There’s a terrific pain that comes from death and it felt like a betrayal to me. I am so not perfect in so many ways but I gave it my all to make a happy life with my husband. The circumstances that surrounded our marriage set the tone of how our life together would be.

The biggest mistake anyone can make is to marry to young or marry because of pregnancy. I had been warned by my astrologer not to marry him but I put my unborn child first. I came from a divorced family which was very dysfunctional at best and I didn’t want my child to walk in my shoes.

I know I rag on my husband still to this day but he gave me the two greatest gifts, my children. I have two wonderful kids that have helped me grow as an adult, a woman and a person. Yes, it has been difficult but without them I really have no idea where my life would be right now.

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