It Lingers

One never forgets when something catastrophic happens to them as a very bad car accident, a rape or someone trying to kill them. My son attempted to kill me two years ago and he would have succeeded if there hadn’t been someone at the house with me that night.

I can remember vividly as he shoved me from behind and I hit the wall and fell to the ground. He picked up the dog cage and started to hit me over and over with it and then he continued to kick me in the ribs. He stood over me telling me he was going to kill me and the fear was like nothing I had ever felt.

I was able to get up and run to the kitchen which had a gallon of milk on the floor from when he had poured it earlier. He slipped on the milk and slid into the stove and I went the other way. He got up and began to chase me and I threw his cell phone at him which broke the spell he was under.

He ran out the sliding glass door and I stood there shaking and in  a state of shock from what I had just experienced. It still lingers as I am fearful to anger him or ask to much of him. He spent six months in the hospital but I will never forget how afraid he made me.

I am afraid to ask him to help me with things around the house as I am fearful that he may just kill me if he gets angered enough. I now know he is quite capable of it but would he, I do not know but I will not put myself in a situation to find out. You never know anyone really no matter how many years you have known them and I can no longer trust anyone 100% because I have seen the flip side of my husband as well as my son.

I have suffered much mental and physical abuse in my life and I know only to well that there is a side of everyone that is hidden until they feel the need to unleash the evil within them. I hide medications and I pray that he will not get angry enough to stab me to death even though I do not think he would just like everyone he could just like anyone else.

There are days we get along great and then there are days that he gets mad and I just shut up and let him go on his way. Is this good parenting? With my prior experiences I find it easier and safer to just let him be and do the best I can by myself for myself and my kids.

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