The number nine has been in my life since I was born on the 9th in the year 1959 and 9 was the number I always wore when I played sports. Nine has played a part in so many things and people in my life that I must believe that there is a meaning there somewhere. I do not follow numerology but I have no doubt that 9 is tied to spirituality in some way or another. Nine is a strong number as it is the last single digit number and stands tall next to the two digit number 10.
Pluto is the ninth planet in the solar system and plays a major part in astrology and is paramount in my astrological make up. I am a strong believer in astrology but I do not lead my life by what is written as that is generalization and not me. I am made up of the location of the planets at the time of my birth and yes it has been very accurate but I haven’t always listened to my astrologer which has been a major failing on my part. If I had listened years ago my life would have been so much different then it has been but what the hell I have learned a lot even if it has been the hard way.
If nine plays any part in your life I do belief that spirituality also is part of your make up even if you are an asshole at times. People need something or someone to believe in and without believing we float through life losing direction and purpose. I do not discuss my beliefs with just anyone because most people think I am an odd duck to begin with so I keep what is important to me close to my heart. I love my pets more than most people because they are innocent and want nothing more than food, water and affection while most people want what they can get from you.
I find most people to be selfish and greedy and I have no use for that type of person in my life. I am so far from perfect but I do have morals and ethics that I refuse to deviate from while others have no place in their lives for either. I am a giver, a lover and a damn good person or so I think I am as I am always giving and helping others. This has been a downfall of mine as I have allowed myself to be used and abused but those days are gone and now I just stick to myself and my family no matter how small it is.
I bought a new modem today and to activate it I had to call my service provider who uses people in India or Pakistan or some other country. They do not speak fluent English and I get so pissed when trying to talk to them. I had to call four times to finally get my equipment to work and then I find out that I can no longer have my home phone because my service provider is the only one that provides equipment needed for a home phone. I do not need a home phone because I never get calls anyway.
It works out to my favor anyway because they were charging me $30.00 a month for a phone I rarely use so I just dumped it and will only be using my cellphone from now on. I get so damn mad when I have to deal with people not from the states because I cannot understand them half the time and they do try their best but I am sorry their best is not good enough. I shouldn’t get so upset but damn I live in the states and speak english and expect those that I pay to provide me with english speaking help.
I think it is bullshit to be asked by a damn computer to press 1 or 2 if I speak english because spanish speaking people tend to get first priority. If I wanted to speak another language I damn well would learn but the people I deal with can hardly speak our given language. Between the potholes that will suck you up and those that cannot speak english I get so damn mad I could spit nails. I do not know what is happening to the states as illegal aliens seem to have more benefits than those that are legal or born here.
I just want to tell those people to go suck a dick but that wouldn’t be nice now would it? I can be very nasty when I lose my temper so I try not to get mad because all it does it affect me and stress is such a killer. So many are dieing from the widow maker blockage in their hearts and I do not plan on being one of them. I need a vacation so bad and this weather so sucks as it snowed today but didn’t stick and March should not be so cold that it snows. I hate this damn cold weather and it probably will snow in April as well, fuck!
I trimmed my husband’s rose bushes but I should have done it last fall but like so many other things I just didn’t do it. The bushes are outside of my kitchen window so I see them as they bloom and they are quite pretty as the pinks and reds flourish with the rain. I am feeling melancholy today as with spring comes the third anniversary of my husband’s demise. I don’t just remember him on the day he died I remember him as I pack up the house and run across pictures of us.
I will think of him more and more as the end of April nears and his birthday passes and ten days later the day he passed. There is a cloud that hangs over this house as I so look forward getting through the month of April. I cannot wait to sell this house and move into another one which will be the beginning of a new life for the kids and I. We have thrown out so much and as I put the things we are to keep in the study it makes our lives look so small as there are not that many boxes.
I will be donating my husband’s furniture and buying new for the new house but that all will happen in time. It is hard starting over and being alone but that is how life is now isn’t it? I hate being alone but it is my time to go it alone as I still have much to learn I guess. I do not need a man to make it in this world and I have always made it by myself while others think they need someone and very little faith in themselves. I have had opportunities to change my life for the better but then I would have had to use the person and I refuse to use anyone for anything.
This is the year for major changes for the better and life will finally settle down for all of us and I look forward to settling down once again. You have to be so careful with who you let into your life and who you share yourself with and trust. Trust is one of the biggest things you need to have with another person and I have difficulty trusting anyone these days but that will change when I meet the right person and I will know him when we meet, yes I will know him for sure.