The Other Side

The other side of death is life and I have dealt with quite a bit of death in my life. My rock and touchstone was my grandmother and she lived with me and died at home. I went to bed with a forboding feeling and I awoke with such a start, as if I had been struck by a lightening bolt. I took the stairs two at a time and I raced towards my grandmother’s bedroom as I ran down the hallway to her door I could hear her television on. She watched the 11 p.m. news and then she went to bed, got up in the morning and had her coffee.

This day she was not going to have coffee or get out of bed ever again. I had to find the key above her door to unlock the door and as I flung open the door the first thing I saw was her television on and then my eyes were drawn to her lying across her bed with her eyes wide open. I knew she had passed in the night and that moment defined me as an orphan because she was my everything and now that she was gone I no longer had a guide or a touchstone. The next death would be my brother’s and that particular day my husband was in the hospital.

The hospital called me to tell me he was being transferred to another hospital for emergency heart surgery and while on the phone someone was beeping in. The caller was from another hospital asking me questions about my brother and then telling me that he had passed and I needed to come and identify his body. There I stood in my kitchen in a state of shock as one man in my life could possibly die while another man in my life had died. One would never think such events could happen simultaneously but they did.

The next death was my beloved aunt and she passed from foreboding disease which is not common and then my other grandmother passed. It seems like death has played a major roll in my life and now I have no family left other than my mother who is gone mentally and my sister who I do not have a relationship with. I think all of these losses have made me want to give all of my love to just one person and since I have dealt with so much emotional pain I am able to love just that much more.

Most people haven’t experienced as much death as I have and they cannot understand how so many losses can change you but they do. I wish I was able to convey how painful it is to lose someone but those final moments are so indescribable. I have tried to put my emotions into words but unfortunately I do not believe I have been able to do so which is so sad because I want just one person if not many to understand how deeply loss can affect us. Yes the tears flow but the pain goes deeper than shedding tears, it goes straight past the heart into our very being.