Lately my thoughts have been on my husband and his death and this is because April is the month he passed as well as his birthday. We have had no family for quite a few years now and all of my husband’s family has passed except his two daughters and a sister in law that didn’t get on with him. It is expensive to have a funeral and I didn’t have the money for a big one so I ended up renting the casket for an hour so my kids could say good bye to their dad. I didn’t think his death would hit me as hard as it did but yes I was knocked to floor when I stood by his casket.
The kids and I walked up to the head of his casket and my knees buckled as I hit the floor and had one hand on the casket. The kids just looked at their dad and the shock of my reaction really knocked them for a loop. After a few minutes of on my knees crying uncontrollably my kids got on either side of me and helped me stand once again. My husband actually looked good as if he were sleeping and I stood there as seventeen years slipped away, my mate had moved on to another life and my life would be changed forever.
No one can understand what happens to us when we bury our mate and you cannot express or explain your feelings to anyone other than someone who has experienced the same loss and pain. I can remember the day of his funeral so clearly as I walked through that day in a fog and my legs moved me with no direction of choice. I chose to have a private moment with my husband and I cried like I hadn’t cried in years and it was so difficult for me to breathe as our time together would be gone forever.
I kept my step daughter involved in the funeral process and that little bitch really fucked me over big time as I gave her the opportunity to set up the date that he would be laid to rest after he was cremated. That evil child told me the date to open the grave had been set for Saturday and I happened to call the funeral home about death certificates and I asked them if the grave was going to still be opened at 10 a.m. on Saturday. The woman totally freaked as she said that the grave was opened on Friday at 10 a.m.
My step daughter cheated me out of saying my final goodbyes and she also cheated my kids as well but that will come back to haunt her one day I assure you. I do not care how you feel about someone you NEVER fuck with the date of a funeral and you never cheat someone out of their final goodbyes. She will experience something catastrophic one day and she will feel what I felt and then and only then will she feel bad about what she did if she doesn’t already. People can be s damn evil at times but in the end it all comes back in the form of karma.
I have been going through some changes in my life and it’s been a long time coming. I no longer share my private pics with anyone because I no longer need that type of attention from anyone. I had a very bad self image of myself for the longest time but I no longer look in the mirror and see someone who I have anger and hatred towards.I haven’t met a single guy online that is worth my time and for the most part men online are looking for sex and sex alone. At one time I needed to be told that I was attractive and the only way to bring those words to me was through my private pics.
I don’t converse with anyone online anymore and have no desire to meet anyone either because they have proven themselves to be shallow and all about getting their dick wet. Men are visual and they love to look at naked pics of women and they fantasize about that woman, the things they would like to do to her and have her do to them. I guess my age has finally caught up to me because I have chosen to keep my clothes on when taking pics of myself and I do not post them for public viewing.
I am quite content with being by myself and of course I miss the touch of a man but I am ok without it as well. I am still packing and working on getting my shoulder back to 100% so I have been keeping busy for a change. I have to finish mudding the ceiling, sanding it and get it painted and think I will have my son help me with that project. He has asked me to take him to practice his parking so he can get his license which I will of course but he must earn that privilege and helping me with the ceiling will be how he earns the right to drive.
It is hard to find quality people to have a relationship with and the women of the world lay pussy out like it’s an all you can eat restaurant. Men will be men and yes if you lay it out there most men will fuck it and call you when they want to fuck you again. I realize that the heat of the moment can make panties drop but mine just do not drop that easily and never will. You have to be ready to be in a committed relationship with me before you get to sample my goods and that is just the way I am.
If you want to date others then do not even think you will get a taste of me let alone a sniff! I know what my competition is and I really have none when it comes to respecting myself. A woman who will fuck you on the first date wants one thing only and it sure isn’t her being interested in your intelligence. Most women will take what they can get so if you are a man who likes to give gifts then you will find a woman who will take those gifts but give you nothing of substance in return.
I don’t do a guy who is doing another woman and I do not tolerate lies because it is just to insulting to deal with liars. No one can steal from me any longer or talk me into giving them a damn thing because I walked that walk and thanx but no thanx. I am not looking for someone to support me or give me the world nope I am looking for someone who I can connect with on several levels. I am very earthy and spiritual but I am not religious one bit but do have great faith in God.
I have several guys that contact me but I am not talking to them because they offer me nothing and I am sick of nothing! I am sick of shallow conversations and lies so I have once again deleted Zack and will not unblock him because quite frankly he is an asshole. Why waste time with someone who gives you nothing and pulls an O.J. on you? Yes, an O.J. is another description of a liar with a smile on his face and he thinks he is so convincing but karma caught up with that bastard now didn’t she?