Numero Uno

I woke up with tears on my pillow and the sun streaming through the window and the thought of my mother on my mind. I spoke with someone yesterday and my mother was brought up and the anger I felt instantly took over my emotions. I never have had a good relationship with my mother because of her treatment of me as a child and I have always held the abuse against her. The one thing that never really touched me was how badly she was abused as a child.

My aunt and I were always close and my aunt tried to get me to understand that my mother was a troubled child and she was abused by my grandparents. I guess my grandfather was very abusive and mean but he was never that way with me. My grandfather never spoke to me and yes that seems strange but he rarely said anything to me or my sister or brother. My grandparents slept in separate rooms and watched tv in separate rooms and basically lived separate lives.

My grandparents raised me and my grandmother was my “mother” and always there for me but even to this day I long for a good relationship with my mother. I have got to forgive her because she has never bee “right” and as I look back I know she felt bad for the way she treated us. She would try to make up to us by buying us things after she was so mean and hateful to us and I believe that is why I do not like gifts from anyone.

I equate gifts with trying to “buy” me even though that isn’t true it is just something that has been engrained in me. My mother raised three kids the best wau she knew how and she is the strongest woman that I know or ever will know. She put herself through nursing school and no matter how hard things got for us she always managed somehow to take care of us even if it wasn’t the best it was the best that she could do.

I realize it will be very hard on me when my mother passes because our mother’s are the main person in our lives for so many reasons and moms teach us so much emotionally and we need our mother’s love so badly. I need to cut loose all of the anger I have towards my mother and my husband and it appears the only way I can forgive them is to be loved by someone who is special in my life.

It seems every time something upsets my world I am quick to blame my mother or my husband but the truth is I made my own choices and destiny has stepped in time after time. Truth be told I miss my mother and I miss my husband and I wonder how different my life would be today if both of them where an intricate part of my life. I remember the day the dr. told my husband and myself he only had a month to live.

The dr. left the room and I got up from the chair and walked around the side of the bed and I sat down and the tears started flowing and I put my head in my husband’s lap. He put his hand on my head and he said everything will be ok even though both of us knew it would never be ok again. I sat up and I told my husband he was coming home, he needed be at home and I needed him.

I am crying as I type this because when I let go of the anger my heart hurts so much and inside I am crying out for someone to be there for me, for someone just to hold me and tell me I will be loved again. I act so tough but it is nothing but a veneer that I need to hide behind because the pain is so stabbing, so relentless, never letting go and never giving up. I am not a big an bad woman I am a broken woman trying to put myself back together just like humpty dumpty.

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