My Gabe is so little he pisses on himself every time he goes and I have no idea how he can manage to piss all over his belly. I have to give him a bath every couple of days because he smells like pee so bad. I take my bath and Shelby brings the boys in and I give them a bath and I know some people would think this is gross but not me, I  love my boys and they are so funny especially Gabe.

2014-04-16 18.51.48 They have a habit of hiding food and Gabe will chase Michael and Khloe away if she gets anywhere near his stash. He may not want it but he sure isnt going to let anyone take his stash away, lol. We bathe the boys and then let them run around the house like crazy and they love to rub themselves dry on my bed and then they chase each other and play like kids. The boys are such a riot and they are so little I just love to hug them and hold them.


Today has been so empty, so lonely and the tears flow like melting snow off of the roof, I feel the chill of being by myself and I look back and wonder if I ever made you happy, did I give enough? did I do enough? I was always faithful, yes I was faithful up until the end. I admit I have been so angry because you left me and you promised you never would, another promise, another I should.

I know in my mind that you had no control but in my heart I cannot accept what should be so easy to  accept, you left me, you left us and we have been so lost without your guidance. I am no fool, I am not stupid but we made a pact but you still left. It hurts, it tears at my heart but I have already fallen apart. I look back with such sadness but I am not so angry at you as I once was but yes I still am angry at times.

It isn’t so easy when someone dies, it isn’t so fair either but life ends with death and death resurfaces with new life and its so hard to accept that I once was a wife. I am so alone, so lonely and so lost at times but that isn’t because of you its because I still do not think its alright. Life is tough and raising kids alone is even tougher as all of us hurt in our own way and Iam sure you hurt moments before you went away.

anyone who had a heart

Today is my husband’s birthday it’s a rough day as I think of his passing but then I am also thinking about someone who is living and who I care for very much. How do you let go of what was and embrace what is to be? How do you lay down the guilt of wanting to move on and be happy with another when someone you cared for has passed? How do you forgive them as well as yourself?

Life is for the living and I know that but I feel his hand reach from the ground and I feel the arms of the one that lives so where do I go from here?