To Falter

I write and write but no one reads and no one knows the pain I have seen, the loneliness I feel, the emptiness which is like a reel. I ask not for anyone to feel my sorrow,my loss I ask not for anyone to understand or to give me what I need as I am a wall of pain built brick by brick. Never to falter, never to show my bruises, my cuts, my blood because no one understands what I have lived through and no one cares.

I seek not pity, I seek not anything from anyone because I have walked that path only to find it an empty walk alone. I can only write to purge myself and ask not for anyone to give me anything. I do want of materialism and I only ask for unadulterated love and compassion but that hides from me on the other side of the brick wall. I have yet to find that one person strong enough, who cares enough to blast away the mortar and make the bricks crumble.

People only care about what is happening in their lives and they give not to anyone else because it is not the way of man any longer. I am not asking for much but what I ask for is just what I need not what I desire. One day the seas will wash upon my shores and wipe my soul clean once again and make me lovable to that special one, that one who sees beyond my smile and into my pain.

Open The Door

There are no answers

To the questions of why

If I ask

I will only be

Told a lie

My heart is so full

Of love to give

But every time I do

It ends up being

Just me

Without you

I have lived a lot

And suffered so much

But life will change

Under the crunch

And one day soon

Smiles will open

The door

And someone will

Love me

And not think of

Me as a whore

Easter Sunday

When my husband was alive I always cooked a ham for dinner and since there was only the four of us we would eat ham like twenty different ways for days. This year we have broken from traditional and just having chicken instead. I will make chicken noodle soup out of the left over chicken and be a vegetarian for a few days before I go on a two week liquid diet. I am getting serious about losing weight with summer coming I can walk my 4 miles a day in the beautiful sunshine.

2014-04-20 15.55.57

Next week will be the three year anniversary of my husband’s death and I think of him more and more everyday even though I do not want to. I will go to the cemetery and clean up his headstone as I do almost everytime I go there and I will stand over him and say a little prayer. I do not know if the kids will go with me or not but I will ask them just the same and if they chose to come then I will let Ryan drive.

Ryan and I will go to the dvm on Monday and make him a legal driver which is scary as shit as far as I am concerned. He got a speeding ticket two years ago and being  in the hospital for six months has kept him from getting his license sooner. This is something his dad should be here doing with him because it is a huge deal when we get our license and its a big deal to have our dad with us when we get it.

Ryan hasnt said anything about his dad in quite sometime but he seems to be a bit pissed that my husband has left us in the situation that he did. My kids see how hard it has been for me, for us and it makes them try to help me even more at times. It’s amazing what one can do when one has no choice or very few choices in life and one can either swim or drown its all up to the person and I have swam quite a bit in the last three years.