I think all of us have a secret center that we show no one, not even our closest partner or friend. This part of us is unbridled and it controls us if we do not take the time to get in touch with that part of ourselves. In that back pasture of our lives we carry our deepest of pains, our shame, our greatest disappointments and guilt and we get so lost in those areas of our lives at times that we forget to be thankful for who and what we are.

Some people go to mass to control that section of their lives and some meditate or explore their spiritual side and I for one try to center myself when life gets to hairy and ugly. I try so hard to look beyond the failures in my life and I try to remind myself that I have done much good in this life. I have slipped and tripped along the way but I try to brush myself off and pick myself up and move forward.

I havent attended mass in a very long time and I do need to feed that part of my life but for some reason I cry almost uncontrollably when I do attend mass. It’s as if I need to flush away all that hurts me and makes me feel incomplete. I am not religious but deeply spiritual and I try to feed my soul through the connection of God on my own terms and yes it does help and it is an important part of me.

I think I carry quite a bit of guilt from my relationship or lack of with my mother and from my marriage as I did so many mean and hateful things to my husband over the years. I try to validate my actions but there is no way to validate hurting another person. My husband and I hurt each other quite a bit and we never said anything to each other about those painful events because we just did not communicate on a level playing field.

I am working on myself this year, the physical as well as the mental and I am doing a flush of all that has lead me down the wrong path in life. I am learning to love myself again and I am learning to laugh and to enjoy “my time”. I think we spend to much time working and not enough playing and we lose our balance and focus and our lives get out of sync which is so unhealthy and defeating.

We tend to compartmentalize our lives and we lose our flow of healthy living and being happy. We cannot rely on someone else to make us happy but it is important to have someone in our life that helps us keep our equalibrium and that person helps us see ourselves as we are not as we chose to see ourselves. It’s easy to get lost along the way and we need to forgive ourselves and to move in a positive direction.

Hidden Cracks

We hide behind a false face, we put on airs for others to see because to open ourselves up to the world is asking for a burning fire of others desires to take us under. We pretend to be what we want others to see of us and not of what is inside of us as to do that is to lay ourselves out to be criticized, to be torn apart, to be stripped down. It is so hard to trust, to put faith into another, to give of ourselves without question.


We keep ourselves cloaked from any daggers that may be thrown our way and we pretend, o how we pretend to be what will impress others. We always want others to see our best side and to accept us for the person we chose to show on the big screen of life. We are never the person the world sees and we are never going to show the world the tender side as people crush those that are tender.

When you can see beyond the beautiful of someone and you can accept the cracked edges of another than you may find that that one person is the one that will heal old wounds. You may find that one person to be the one to show you what you cannot see within yourself. We are all special in our own way but we cannot always see what is unique about ourselves and we can get lost in the cracks as well.

April Showers

I really hate the month of April as I have had two serious losses in the month and its also my husband’s birthday. My husband I decided that we wanted two children or I should say I made the decision and he went along with it. We had our children and called it quits because two was enough for us and another would be just to much for us. Well, surprises have a way of creeping into our lives without warning and I ended up getting pregnant again years later.

I was four months pregnant and I had just found out that I was going to have another girl but prior to that as soon as I found out I was pregnant I didn’t want to have another child. After about a week it settled in me like a comfortable blanket wrapped around me and I began to accept that I had another little life inside of me. My husband never wanted another child but he pretended he was good with it when he really wasn’t.

At the time my husband took the kids up to the campground to get ready to open up the rv for the season and I was home alone and I started to have some pains in my abdomen and I passed several quite large o clots during the night. My husband and kids were only gone for over night and when he got home I had him take me to the hospital where they did an internal ultra sound and there was no heart beat.


April 4, 2006 is a day I try so damn hard not to remember but I cannot help but remember the date as it hit be like a ton of bricks that I had lost my little girl. I was going to name her Bess after my grandmother and the loss was so raw, so painful and so upsetting to me but my husband had nothing but relief on his face. He didn’t show me a bit of caring or concern and that made things even  worse for me.

I hate April so much and cannot wait for the month to be over so I can move on and put what has hurt me for so long to rest. Men have no idea how it hurts a woman to lose a child and they cannot understand that the loss stays with us for years afterwards. My husband was very selfish in many ways but he was also very caring and giving in others but he is gone, never to return so there is no point in being angry with him.

It’s hard to let go of deep hurts as they leave scares so deep that it takes a long time to heal and to move on with our lives but the healing does happen over time. I am slowing healing and things will get better after this year is over as I am making certain changes that will guarantee a happier life, a more fulfilled life. I know love is coming my way and I know when I least expect it I will meet the one that is meant to be with me for eternity.