Unbridled

I think all of us have a secret center that we show no one, not even our closest partner or friend. This part of us is unbridled and it controls us if we do not take the time to get in touch with that part of ourselves. In that back pasture of our lives we carry our deepest of pains, our shame, our greatest disappointments and guilt and we get so lost in those areas of our lives at times that we forget to be thankful for who and what we are.

Some people go to mass to control that section of their lives and some meditate or explore their spiritual side and I for one try to center myself when life gets to hairy and ugly. I try so hard to look beyond the failures in my life and I try to remind myself that I have done much good in this life. I have slipped and tripped along the way but I try to brush myself off and pick myself up and move forward.

I havent attended mass in a very long time and I do need to feed that part of my life but for some reason I cry almost uncontrollably when I do attend mass. It’s as if I need to flush away all that hurts me and makes me feel incomplete. I am not religious but deeply spiritual and I try to feed my soul through the connection of God on my own terms and yes it does help and it is an important part of me.

I think I carry quite a bit of guilt from my relationship or lack of with my mother and from my marriage as I did so many mean and hateful things to my husband over the years. I try to validate my actions but there is no way to validate hurting another person. My husband and I hurt each other quite a bit and we never said anything to each other about those painful events because we just did not communicate on a level playing field.

I am working on myself this year, the physical as well as the mental and I am doing a flush of all that has lead me down the wrong path in life. I am learning to love myself again and I am learning to laugh and to enjoy “my time”. I think we spend to much time working and not enough playing and we lose our balance and focus and our lives get out of sync which is so unhealthy and defeating.

We tend to compartmentalize our lives and we lose our flow of healthy living and being happy. We cannot rely on someone else to make us happy but it is important to have someone in our life that helps us keep our equalibrium and that person helps us see ourselves as we are not as we chose to see ourselves. It’s easy to get lost along the way and we need to forgive ourselves and to move in a positive direction.

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