I got a call from Florida yesterday in regards to my mom’s health as her cancer is back and the nursing facility needed my ok to put her back in hospice. I knew this day would come when I would feel the vail of darkness fall upon me and I would feel terrible about losing my mother. Needless to say we never had a good relationship and I always wanted to be loved for myself by my mom but she always compared me to my sister.
In my mom’s eyes my sister was literally the cats ass and I was the cat shit but then my mom discovered my sister was gay and then I instantly became elevated to queen child. I resented this and harbored ill feelings towards my mother my entire life but the time has come to set sail to these feeling because my mother is no longer of sound mind or body.
I feel sad but I cannot feel anything beyond that at this point because of her treatment of me as a child as well as adult. It’s hard to come to terms with so much anger and pain but what good does it do to hold on to such negative emotions especially when the one that brought those feelings upon you is ill and dieing?
There will be no funeral and there are no friends or family that would attend anyway and I just feel empty and sad. My sister doesn’t give a fuck and I have been so damaged by my mother that I cannot behave in the way that someone who loses a parent they loved behaves. Is this wrong? I think not because toxic is toxic and anyone that tears you down and damages you must be extracted from your life, hence my feelings about the situation.