I can look at you and smile as my heart is falling apart, I can let out laughter when the tears are painting me inside, I can be whatever you want me to be, whatever you need me to be. I am flesh and I am blood moving on two legs in no certain direction as I am confused as I move forward I seek out the answers in the dark. I am like the deer that travels within the same mile their entire lives, I am of the wild, of nature, I am of the soil under my feet, I am the great faker.
I don’t have the pieces to the puzzles, I do not have the colors of the paints, I have no one, not even me. I have fought one of the toughest battles that a person can fight but winning is still losing no matter how you look at it. I seek not the wealth of the world, I seek out not the famous that touch so many a heart, I seek out what cannot be found, what cannot be had. I have felt the knife slash my chest and I have looked down to see a bleeding heart wishing nothing more than to be part of the greatest love of all.
The scabs cover my wounds and eventually fall off leaving my flesh brand new but the scabs cannot let go of my bruised and damaged heart. I am a walking emotion, a talking doll of another kind and no one can see the real me, no one can touch the real me as people are cruel and heartless and I have nothing more than a film of protection from those that wish to damage me. There are no arms to hold me, there are no men that want to love me, only fuck me.
As I sat at my dining room table sipping my morning tea what appeared to materialize out of no where was this beautiful doe who gracefully was walking in the back field. I let the boys out and I have to hook them up as I have no fence and they started barking like crazy. They were barking at the doe and she appeared to become quite agitated with them and started charging them which I found to be funny.
What I wasn’t aware of was her fawn was under the tree in the brush and she was protecting her little one from my two who are even smaller than her fawn. I brought the boys in and she glory up her charge and they walked away slowly, mother and child and the rain started which made them move quickly deeper into the back forty. My back yard looks so beautiful in the morning light and it’s so peaceful and tranquil and it’s my time to reflect on things occurring in my life.
There’s a sadness that has settled over me knowing that my mother is dieing and I will never see her again, literally. I ran across a pic of her last night and I realized how much I look like my mother except she has black hair. I know when I get the final call that I will fall apart because all of my anger is nothing more than a way to hide my sadness and depression. My mother has always been toxic but a mother is still a mother and Im learning that quickly and painfully.
My mother has always been my safety net which I would fall back onto when I needed help or someone to listen and even though she helped and very little she still was there. I dont know how I am going to react when she passes on but I can assure you it will hit me like a ton of bricks and I will literally have no one to lean on. This year is the last year that I will have to deal with loss and such major changes and I cannot wait until November when Saturn moves on and I am done learning the astrological lessons of my life.