Sadness In The Heart

I have such sadness within myself and it’s all over my son and his confusion of self. He met someone on the internet and had this guy picked him up when I wasn’t at home. He isn’t aware that I have befriended him on facebook and I can now read all of his posts. He posted that he is gay and has finally come out of the closet but I do not believe this. I think he is confused because the attention he is getting is from some guy who obviously has bad intentions.

For some sexual confusion comes when they are much younger and they have sexual experiences with both male and female and they eventually find their way, may they be gay or straight. My son is so lost within himself and he has all of these emotions and hormones raging and I am going to drop a bomb on this guy when my son comes home. I know this guy is over 18 and my son is only 17 and bipolar which of course this guy doesn’t know.

As a mother I am compelled to protect my child even if he ends up hating me at least I know he will be safe. I get so pissed that someone would take advantage of my child but I cannot stop the world from being so fucked up. I can always tell when my son meets some jerk online because he treats me like shit and thinks he has all of the answers but don’t all of us think that when we are young? My child has gotten me so upset that I cannot eat and do not sleep well because of worry.

If my son is gay then so be it but I refuse to let anyone lead him to believe some bullshit when they are taking advantage of him mentally as well as physically. My son is a wandering soul and has been since his dad passed three years ago. His father played such a small part in his life as he never did anything with my son that fathers generally do because of his own depression and lack of self worth since he became an amputee in 2003.

I do not know what else to do as I have no one I can talk to about this, I have no man in my life that might be able to give me some sound advice and guidance. It’s hard being a single mother without having at least an x-husband in the picture. I have learned that the internet is dangerous and few if any can be trusted because everyone is so damn fake and phony and out for what they can take from others instead of what they can give.

When A Hero Falls

 

My son writes a lot of poetry and I found this on his facebook

When A Hero Falls

The piano plays a sad song,

And the crowd’s weeps echo,

Tears fall; crash upon the ground,

The flag covers the casket,

And each person walks up to say their stories,

Yet the memories of his smile plagues my heart,

For I know this nightmare is just reality,

They carried him as if they knew him,

But no one knows that man like I did,

They buried him with putrid soil,

That is unworthy of touching his casket,

To some another man died,

To others a good friend died,

To few a family member died,

To me my Dad, a hero died.

 

It’s Ok

I don’t have all the answers but that is ok but I am not supposed to – it’s ok to wonder and to ask for the answers to come to you because they will, eventually when the time is right. It’s ok to feel lost and confused and it’s ok not to be what everyone else expects you to be. It’s ok and quite acceptable to feel empty at times and it’s ok to cry so shed those tears without feeling that you are weak. I think we expect to much of ourselves and when we fail ourselves we feel that we are a failure, which of course we are not.

I expect so much from myself and that makes me expect so much of others and I have to remember that people are not here to live up to my expectations but to their own expectations of themselves. I am not better than anyone and no one is better than me but I do strive to be a better person with each and every breath I take. I do not care what others think of me because I have learned that what I think of myself is more important because it is within me that the answers lie to the most important questions.

Arrogance is not part of my life because to be arrogant is to look down on others and I do not look down on anyone but myself. I know what type of person I am and am not and I know that being mean and hateful doesn’t serve me a single bit.  I look at the elderly with respect and I look at children and wonder what they will be like when they grow old and I wonder if I could be a better person but I think I am the best person I can be at this time.

 

Who Knows

Who knows you the best? your parents? your spouse? your best friend? or yourself? Who really knows you the better than anyone else? The truth is no one knows you not even yourself because we say we will never do or say things but the situation controls us and we respond in ways we never expected ourselves to act. A perfect example is divorce because the person we trusted the most is the one that will use against us the things we entrusted to them the most.

We think we know ourselves so good but the truth is we do not as we are constantly changing and rearranging our lives, thoughts, fears, dreams, hopes and wishes. People will say it is because of them that we are where we are at in life but that isn’t true because they are only a small part that was part of our life as the changes occurred. People want to take credit which is fine as long as they take credit for the small part they have played in our lives.

No one comes into our life without something to give us in the way of change and growth and yes we learn from them but they also exit when we have learned all we need to from that person. Our lives are similar to a revolving door as people come and go and sometimes it is a very sad departing and sometimes it is a happy departing and sometimes we are totally indifferent to a departure. We hold tight to our convictions but one day we open our hand and let those convictions fly away because we know it is for our best.

I have learned to let go of things that have needed to be let go of but years ago I would hold on so tight I would strangle the very thing I wanted the most. I have learned so much and have grown so much that I am no longer the person I once was. I have had my bipolar under control for quite some time but I do still get angry and frustrated and do not know what to do. I am not above sitting by myself and letting the tears flow because it is quite therapeutic in the long run.

I have been alone for a very long time because I have needed this time to clean up my life and to learn the lessons required to survive in this world. One day soon I will be with the person that I am meant to be with and that is when I will blossom like the bud on a rose bush. Then and only then will I truly be happy because that person will appreciate what I have to offer and they will know that I am a very rare and endangered woman.