The Connection

I have been physical with my share of men in my lifetime but to have that mental connection is something quiet unique and rare and once you have that than the physical is no longer satisfying. All of us desire sex but the truth is without that mental connection sex no longer has the intoxicating affect that we require to be fulfilled. As we get older we want more than just sex we want and need that deep connection to feel we are in tune with another.

Men desire sex even as they age but women tend to lose that desire but even a man will walk away from cheap sex if it isn’t mentally satisfying. Once you feel a connection with someone else regardless if you have ever met them or not sex will never give you what you need even though you may lay with another you will always feel empty and incomplete incomplete and actually you feel cheated and you no longer wish to lay with that person.

You can keep having sex with other people looking for that feeling you know is required to make you feel really good but you never will find it because you are drawn to someone else. As long as there are thoughts of another person in your mind you can never move forward. We end up staying in a state of fantasy always fantasizing what it would be like to be with that person and not just in a sexual way but sharing every day simple things together.

As We Age

When we are young we tend to go along with the latest trends from clothing to how we wear our hair. We want to look attractive to the opposite sex so we can obtain a mate and we do a lot of stupid shit during the growing years. We go through a phase that shows our arrogance and we think we are all that when the truth is we are wet behind the ears and just learning like everyone else.

Some of us find a look that we feel makes us attractive and we keep that look as we age and a perfect example is shown below as this man has worn a goatee for thirty some years and I will admit he still wears it well. He shed his locks gradually but other than that he hasn’t changed much about his appearance. I will say one thing he has been photographed and on tv wearing less than a desirable look as far as I am concerned.

One would think a man of his wealth and stature would dress classier but I guess it’s a foreigner thing as I have seen him wearing tennis shoes that where untied and I have seen him wear the ugliest green tie I have ever seen. I have noticed that foreign men have some really off the wall taste in clothing and the colors that they wear and they do not seem to care that they do not look attractive.

The one thing I notice about these pics is his eyes, the picture on the left shows a happy man, a satisfied man and the pic on the right shows a who is missing something in his life as he is not happy but content. The years have been good to him in many ways but not the ways that truly count and this man has an ache in his heart that he needs to get filled but he is so guarded he refuses to let anyone in.

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Control

Do you ever lie in bed and listen to the rain, the birds, your own heart beat? Do you ever ask yourself where your life is headed and what it is that you are to accomplish? Do you ever feel like your life is nothing more than a kaleidoscope of random colors and shapes? Do you ever feel exhausted even though you slept all night or at least thought you slept most of it? Do you ever really know what your purpose in this life is?

Do you believe there is an answer to every question even if you do not believe in the answer? Do you ever feel like the leaf on the branch that captured the shit from a bird? Do you ever feel cleansed of all bad and seek to be only good? Do you ever wonder what it takes to find total inner peace? Do you ever wish the world was square and you could just walk over the edge? Have you ever felt totally happy for years on end?

I have thoughts that I do not understand but I do know they all stem from a deep seated loneliness that festers inside me and I hate this feeling, I really do. My son’s safety weighs heavily on my mind and I have thought about being in the drive when he pulls up and telling him to go in the house leaving me alone with the son of a bitch that has been taking advantage of my son. I have thought about pulling his head back by his hair and pressing a knife to his fucking throat telling him never to contact my son again.

I know that doing this would not serve me well but believe me the thought of this bastard touching my son through manipulation and alcohol infuriates me to no end. I do not think I am the only parent that has such thoughts and I know there are other parents experiencing the same feelings that I am. I know I cannot control my child and he will be on his own eventually but even then I will continue to worry myself sick.

Where O Where

Do you ever wonder if you have touched another’s life in a positive way? Do you ever wonder if there is anyone out there that understands what you have been through? Going through? Do you ever wonder if there is anyone that even cares about your triumphs or your struggles? Do you ever wonder if there is a single soul that really wants to help you? Guide you? Be there for you when life gets so damn tough that you just want to hang up your gloves and quit the fight?

Do you ever feel misunderstood? Do you ever feel like the square peg trying to fit into the round hole? Do you ever cry out of frustration and anger? Do you ever pray and hope God hears your prayers and comes to your aid? Do you ever wonder when your soulmate will come into your life? These are things I wonder about and I try not to lose my hope and faith but sometimes, well sometimes it isn’t so easy to hang in there.

Do you ever wonder where the arms that are to surround you are? Do you ever wonder if anyone really cares? Do you occasionally feel sorry for yourself but fight the urge? It’s not often I feel these feelings but at times I do and I hate it because I see that as a sign of weakness and I am not weak yet I am not that strong either. So many think I am so damn strong but I am human and I falter just like everyone else. I want the same things as most, love, happiness and contentment.

I realize I am a container of contradicting emotions and feelings but that is the way I am wired and I do not know if that ever will change or even if it should. All I know is that I do have a soulmate that understands me like no  one else can and I know that he will one day open up the door and show me a different way, a happier way, a life of peace and happiness to be shared by two. I just wonder how long it will take to meet that special one, that one that is just for me and me alone.