Control

Do you ever lie in bed and listen to the rain, the birds, your own heart beat? Do you ever ask yourself where your life is headed and what it is that you are to accomplish? Do you ever feel like your life is nothing more than a kaleidoscope of random colors and shapes? Do you ever feel exhausted even though you slept all night or at least thought you slept most of it? Do you ever really know what your purpose in this life is?

Do you believe there is an answer to every question even if you do not believe in the answer? Do you ever feel like the leaf on the branch that captured the shit from a bird? Do you ever feel cleansed of all bad and seek to be only good? Do you ever wonder what it takes to find total inner peace? Do you ever wish the world was square and you could just walk over the edge? Have you ever felt totally happy for years on end?

I have thoughts that I do not understand but I do know they all stem from a deep seated loneliness that festers inside me and I hate this feeling, I really do. My son’s safety weighs heavily on my mind and I have thought about being in the drive when he pulls up and telling him to go in the house leaving me alone with the son of a bitch that has been taking advantage of my son. I have thought about pulling his head back by his hair and pressing a knife to his fucking throat telling him never to contact my son again.

I know that doing this would not serve me well but believe me the thought of this bastard touching my son through manipulation and alcohol infuriates me to no end. I do not think I am the only parent that has such thoughts and I know there are other parents experiencing the same feelings that I am. I know I cannot control my child and he will be on his own eventually but even then I will continue to worry myself sick.

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