I hide within myself so others cannot see me in my saddest hours and I doubt anyone can hear me scream out in the night. I find myself getting lost within my own thoughts and feelings and there is nobody that knows I am within myself. I smile to the world and the world frowns back at me as I wait for someone to reach for me and take my hand leading me to open pastures and empty highways.
Do you want to know who I am? Do you care what I feel or think? If you cared you would save me from the waters washing over my head. I cling to the rocks near the shore but the sand underneath them is being washed away, taking me with the waters that flow to the ocean of nowhere. No one knows me, no one takes the time to find out who I am, where I have been, how my life has taken on one bad turn to the next.
I deserve so much more but the men in the army fatigues drag me onto the battle field and use me as their fortress. I am not that strong, I am not that independent and I surely am not the woman, the fortress. I am the broken wall falling down onto the ground without anyone to prop me up and there is no one that cares enough to patch the wound that has taken over my heart.
Do you ever wonder why life must be so damn hard at times and so lonely as well? Do you ever wonder when your soul mate is going to come into your life? Do you ever wonder what it feels like to touch the person that you so wish to be with?Sometimes, I wonder about these things but my life is so damn vanilla that I just go from day to day without feeling much and not wondering about a damn thing.
I feel so tired and I know I shouldn’t but I truly feel drained and with this damn rain I have been waking up with so much pain I have a hard time getting out of bed. I get up and I move like a 100 yr. old woman because my hips hurt so much but once I get going the pain finally subsides. I am tired of being alone and feeling lonely and I am tired not having anyone to talk to about my troubles except my dogs and Michael listens intently like he is so wise and understands.
Michael and Gabriel are so funny and they are quite a comical pair of brothers that keep me laughing when I really want to break down and cry. I let them out and when Shelby lets them in they run straight to me as if I might disappear. Khloe is always messing with them and she chases them, licks them and then bites them, WTF? Poor Bingo is twenty years old and he is always throwing up and I fear he may have cancer or something.
I hate seeing him not feeling well and I know I will wake up one morning to Shelby screaming that Bingo is dead on her bed. She has talked to me about what I am going to do when he dies and of course I am going to bury him, I mean what else am I going to do with him – throw him in the trash??? Not likely as I love my pets so much and they give me the love I am not getting from my own species.
Well, Belgium just scored again and the U.S.A. might as well bend over and kiss their asses goodbye because they won’t come back from this or so I fear. This World Cup has gotten me bitten by the soccer bug and I have quite enjoyed watching it and Michael and Gabriel are now fans as well, lmao. I think the U.S. is finally getting more interested in soccer and there are quite a few people watching the game.
Most sports there are several really attractive men but soccer, o my these guys are not attractive in the least bit which is sad because it’s always nice watching sports when the men are attractive because when the game gets boring you can check out their hot bodies, lmao. It is truly sad that sports has become so violent beyond the regular violence of the game as we have biters and that just isn’t making the game interesting to me.
Yesterday, I sat and thought about touching his face, moving the back of my hand slowly down his cheek as I looked into his eyes. I saw beyond the beautiful shade of green and I saw into his soul and I moved my hand down his cheek and neck and I slowly let my hand fall onto his chest and I could feel his heart beating quickly. As I looked into his eyes I was drawn into his soul and it was so odd as we became one as we looked into each others eyes.
I got lost in the thought of the feeling of being one with someone once again and it brought a single tear to my eyes as I thought how badly I wanted to feel again. It is so hard to let yourself feel again, feel something not quite love but something nameless, something that makes you smile again. It’s as if I have known him for lifetimes, from different lives and different worlds and how strange it is to feel something like this.
I do not understand why I have these feelings because I do not know him but feel that I have known him forever. I know he will never come to me and I know I am foolish to want such a meeting to take place but these feelings are so engulfing I seem to have gotten lost in them. He looks at me as a sexual object and nothing more and just like any man he would love to experience me sexually because he has never been with a woman like me.
I am so much more than a sexual woman and I deserve to be with someone who can see past the physical and connect with me mentally. He doesn’t want to give me more or maybe he isn’t capable of feeling more for any woman again. I never want to see this man hurt and I do not wish to put any hurt upon his shoulders but I do not think that is something I ever have to concern myself with because we are like two ships passing in the night, never to stop, never to meet.