To Find Myself

I have lived almost 55 years and I have experienced quite a bit in that time as most people do my age. I still do not know what I want to be or do when I finally grow up, that’s if I ever grow up. At this point in my life I feel as if I am only existing from day to day and I really need to change my life for the better, to be more exciting, to be more productive and just to be more of something.

I have so much to share with someone else but have no one to share it with and I want to learn more and experience more. When I am happy, really happy I shine and you can see it in my eyes as they sparkle. You know when you have all the answers to all of the questions in life then you need to be a professor or something and I do not have those answers that I search for endlessly.

I am not afraid of much for which I am thankful for or I wouldn’t have gotten this far in my life. I am waiting patiently for the one person that will change my life and show me a better way. I am waiting for him to teach me so much that I have not been exposed to and I know we will have a grand time learning, together. I know he smiles when he thinks of me and I know I touch his heart but do I touch him enough to come to me?


For most, being certain of life and what comes next is comforting and we come to feel secure when we are certain of things. When we do not know what is around the bend we become anxious and fear the worse at times. I like to know what is coming next but I also like the unknown and to experience new things that I never expected and I like the feeling of euphoria that comes with something that is so unexpected.

We become so use to routine and when some people deviate from that they become very uncomfortable and lose that sense of security. Even my dogs do not like change in routine and it really confuses them when I change my routine for the day or days or even an hour. They hated the fireworks which have gone on for days because the loud noise scares them and they huddle as close to me as they can for security.

Poor Michael was shaking so bad from the noise that I scooped him and Gabe up and held them close and when we went to bed I pulled them close and spoke softly to them and they finally became relaxed and fell asleep. My son has never liked the fireworks and even as a small child he didn’t like the loud noise that comes with them. To me fireworks are a perfect back drop for making out and enjoying the pretty colors, lol.

Back to uncertainty, I find not knowing to be part of the excitement of something new and I like to see something I havent seen before to be fun and it livens up my life. Meeting someone new is always fun especially when we click. It’s such a rare day to meet someone you really like and enjoy their company and to me most people are boring and only want to talk about how great they are or what they have done to make themselves stand out from the crowd.

I need some excitement in my life and I need to laugh long and hard again and I know I will be meeting someone who does just that for me, I just do not know when. I am so open to meeting someone new and sharing my life with that person. The weight has since lifted from my chest and I am feeling lighter and more carefree and I am smiling again which is all good for me!