It Lingers

It really hurts when your children say mean things to you and my son told me tonight that he can’t stand me. I have tried so hard to be a good parent and I have given until it hurts but I get nothing back in return. He has good days and then he has bad days but his bad days just take me under and make me feel like I am a total failure as a parent. My daughter doesn’t feel this way and she helps me pick myself up when my son verbally knocks me down.

I know he is in pain but I cannot help him and he told me tonight that I didn’t want him here and I didn’t want him going to his friends on the other side of the state and I didn’t want him to kill himself so what did I want from him. He sat here with tears in his eyes as he said those words to me and I sat here stoic not really knowing how to answer him. I just want him to be happy and to pick up after himself but that seems to be to much to ask of him.

He wanted to go to his friends several hours away, the same kids house he went to for a week and I told him no. That is when we started arguing again and I finally told him just to go. I really need some time away from him because he is destroying me inside and I cannot stand it. I told him when he turns 18 in February he can move out and do whatever he wants and he wants to know how much money he has to work with.

He seems to think that the social security money that comes in for him is his and he thinks I should be saving it for him instead of paying bills. He fails to realize that when he graduates the money no longer will be coming in and even if I did give it to him his last check is in May. He just doesn’t realize how expensive it is to have your own apartment and to pay bills let alone purchase a car and pay the insurance.

I am so hoping things get better between us but I do not see that happening until he starts taking his meds and going to therapy which he refuses to do either. I am so tired of going around and around with him and I sit and cry when no one is around because I am so beyond frustrated with the situation. I wish this house would sell which would clear up all of my financial responsibilities and a smaller home will be so much easier to take care of.

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