Guilt

Guilt can eat you alive if you let it and some people do not feel any guilt what so ever and they are psychopaths who feel nothing at all. I was feeling so guilty when my husband died because I felt as if I should have been there from the day he found out he was dieing but he never told me. When he did come home from the hospital he was in the hospice program and they gave me morphine to give to him for the pain.

He never complained about pain but when I laid next to him he told me it hurt so I only sat next to him that one time. The last few days of his life I gave him the prescribed amount of morphine and on the day he died I gave him the total amount prescribed. When he died I felt as if I had killed him and I talked to my friend Lynn about it because she is a nurse and she told me I didn’t kill him but relieved some of his pain.

I walked around with the pain of that guilt for over two years before I talked to Lynn about it and I was so miserable I wanted to die myself. Guilt is something that weighs heavily on me and that is why I avoid lieing to anyone. I also cannot steal because I cannot live with the guilt and several years ago I found an ipad on a plane and was going to keep it because I do not have an ipad and really want one.

I ended up finding the name of the person that owned the ipad because he didn’t have it password protected and I contacted him and got his address and mailed it to him. Last year I had hired several men to do some work for me and I found a wallet which belonged to one of the men. I couldn’t find any contact information in his wallet so I called the company that referred him to me and told them about his wallet and he came back to get it.

I felt guilty going through his wallet but what else was I to do? I hate violating anyone’s privacy and I hate my privacy invaded but if I find something that belongs to someone else I will return it with all of the contents. I could never keep money from someone’s purse or wallet and I could never keep anything that isn’t mine, maybe I am being stupid but I would hope that someone would do the same if I ever lost something of importance.

In today’s world most people would keep a wallet or purse or any other piece of property they found and they wouldn’t think anything of it but not me. I am a strong believer in karma and I damn well know better than most that karma is a bitch and yes she will bite you and take a huge hunk. I am no angel but I am extremely spiritual and I have to live with my choices so I try to live a good life, a fair and honest life but I also have to remember not everyone is like myself.

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