Get Over

You never get over the loss of a loved one but with each passing day the pain subsides a little until life is bearable once again. Even though I was not in love with my husband I did love him and when he died it felt as if someone had reached into my chest with both hands and ripped out my heart. My husband died of leukemia and hospice was the best help I could have had.

They came in and brought all the equipment he needed which was basically a hospital bed and medication. They told me how much medicine to give him to keep him comfortable but he wasn’t in tremendous pain or he just didn’t say anything. I gave him morphine as prescribed and I even gave it to him the last hour before he died and I am not sure he even felt much at that point.

I can remember being in somewhat of a state of shock as I moved around the house like a robot. I can remember being so damn angry which is part of the grieving process. My friends would ask me why I was so angry all of the time and my answer was always Bob. We were going through an ugly divorce at the time and he did so many shitty things to me because he was so pissed that I left him.

I am still carrying some of the anger but that will finally go away once I sell this house and I am debt free again. I hate owing anyone anything and I kept us debt free for years. Every once in a while when I walk into our bedroom I remember the day he died and how everything seemed so surreal. I have gotten rid of most of our furniture which helps somewhat but I will never forget the day he died.

You Know

The signs of an unhappy marriage are quite obvious as there is a lack of communication, intimacy,trust, you spend more time away from the home with friends, you find yourself looking online for a connection with someone else, sex is just that, sex, there is no more touching, handholding, passionate kissing. When your relationship is plagued by these changes then you no longer have a healthy relationship.

Everyone deserves so much more and yes it is true relationships die because growth of both individuals is inevitable. Some say they stay for the children but what happens when the children grow up and leave home?? So many feel guilt when children are involved and yes the kids do turn on their parents, especially the one that left. We cannot live for our children or through our children and we must find our own happiness.

We owe it to ourselves to be happy and being in love is so important to our mental health. It is so hard to walk away from an unsatisfying relationship but we have to get our needs met or we become unbearable to live with. You can always tell when two people have grown apart just by watching their body language there is distance between the two, they no longer walk hand in hand or chat and smile. When it’s over it’s over and there is no turning back.