To Know

It’s really difficult to know what you are feeling for someone when you are not certain if they are married or involved with someone. I am a widow and dating is so foreign to me and I have somehow gotten hooked on someone who I have never met. I wish I knew if he was still married or involved with someone because knowing that would make it easier for me to forget about him.

I am no home wrecker and would never do anything to split any two people up but the truth is no one can split up two people who are in love with each other. I do not know if he still is in love with his wife or even married and it is making life for me very difficult. I have feelings for this man and I haven’t felt anything close to this in a very long time and I really hate being a slave to my emotions.

If he is divorced he must be involved with someone and I wish I knew if that were the case but I know he isn’t going to tell me one way or the other. Did you ever feel a connection with someone that you have never met? This connection is so deep and strange to me because it is a soulmate connection and I cannot stop thinking about him and I want to so bad. I want to be free of him so I can open my heart to someone who wants to spend their life with me and I them. If you are reading this please tell me if you are married or involved so I know, please care enough about me to be honest with me so I can free myself of you.

I have seen online where you say you are in a relationship but you do not say you are married so I am not sure what you mean by being in a relationship. I also do not know how long ago you put that out there and I am so confused and spend way to much time wondering. Please set me free, please be the man that I think you are and step up for once and let me know.

The Beginning

Most people start their lives together at their wedding but I didn’t have a wedding because I was older and pregnant. A wedding should be beautiful and it should make the bride and groom want to be with each other even more so. I think the wedding night should be super special but of course mine wasn’t as we had pizza and I puked that up because of morning sickness that went all day and night.

I do not know if I will ever remarry again and I do not know if I will ever have a wedding or not and its just another let down  of my life. I didn’t go to prom because I was afraid my mother would insist on making my dress and she didn’t sew very well but she was super cheap. I refused to be embarrassed so the guy that asked me I ended up turning down and I felt bad for him because he didn’t know the real reason I did turn him down.

I am like every other female and yes I would like to have a beautiful wedding but I am more concerned with being happy and living happily ever after. I have no family to celebrate such an occasion so I seriously doubt that I will ever experience such an event. It wouldn’t break my heart if I were never to experience my own wedding because knowing that someone loves me enough to want to spend their life with me is enough for me.

I know I will one day meet someone problem will be with me for the remainder of my life and I know it will be the happiest years of my life as well. I just want someone to look at me and say that I look beautiful and I want that someone to be the man who I am committed to. I hope to be able to give my daughter a beautiful wedding but I do not know if that will ever be something I can give to her.

The Walk

I started walking again and did my first two mile walk with the boys this morning. They enjoy the walk but it is quite warm out today and they got tired so I would carry them for a while and then let them walk again and then carried them. When it isn’t so warm they seem to have no problem walking the two miles and they enjoy themselves so much but wow they fall out as soon as we get home.

I’m covered in sweat and cooling down before I jump into a cool shower which will feel so good against my warm skin. I like having a bathroom in my bedroom but when I move I know I will not be so lucky unless I choose to have some construction done. This house has some nice benefits but I still am ready to move on and close this chapter of my life for good.

We get so used to a certain way of life and we tend to forget where we started out and we end up taking for granted the things we have but I am so adaptable that it won’t bother me to much to down size. My kids have never known anything different from what they have now and I am sure they will experience a certain amount of shock and disbelief. My daughter thought everyone has a sprinkler system and it blew her mind when she discovered that wasn’t so.

I’m ready to kick back and put my feet up as I bought new shoes and they are tight and need to be broken in but they are still quite comfortable regardless. I have to get my ass out walking twice a day, two miles each time so I can lose more weight. I have lost some weight but I am far from my goal and it will probably take a year for me to lose all the weight and meet my goal.