Bonding

 

 

 

 

We got home from the rv and the kids decided to make homemade pizza even though they didn’t know what they were doing until I entered the kitchen and saw the mess! Shelby had pizza dough stuck to her hands because she didn’t know she had to coat her hands with crisco to keep the dough from sticking. Ryan didn’t do much but put the water in the microwave to heat up so it would activate the yeast in the dough.

Sometimes bonding can be so much fun and watching these two made me laugh.2014-07-26 20.37.07 2014-07-26 20.37.11 2014-07-26 20.37.18 2014-07-26 20.37.19 2014-07-26 20.37.25 2014-07-26 20.38.41 2014-07-26 20.38.43 2014-07-26 20.39.25 2014-07-26 20.39.27 2014-07-26 20.40.05 2014-07-26 20.40.08-1 2014-07-26 20.40.08-2

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I wish you would meet someone so you would forget about me even though that won’t be easy because I am a one of a kind. I’m silly, crazy, funny, kind, considerate, caring, loving and so much more and no one compares to me. Saying that, I really wish you would allow yourself to let someone in your life because you won’t let me and you need someone who you can trust and rely on to be there.

What you are looking for in a woman isn’t easily found and even though you have found it in me you refuse yourself to let me into your life. It’s time for you to forget about me and move onto a real woman,  a woman who will care for you for who you are inside and I am sure you can find that type of woman out there somewhere in all of your travels. I know what I have to offer a man and you do to but for some reason you just refuse to let me in.

You need to quit living in a fantasy world and join the real world once again without me on your mind. You spend way to much time focusing on my life and what I am doing that you have forgotten about yourself and your happiness. I truly wish you the best and hope you will open yourself up to someone because you need to be loved so bad that it is breaking my heart to see you this way.

Moving On

When you lose your spouse to death only you and you alone can decide when it is best for you to start dating. It isn’t an easy decision because you are dealing with left over emotions from your marriage. Some people can move on rather quickly because they cannot stand being alone and need the company of another on a regular basis and then there are those that never move onto another relationship.

I have seen people remarry as soon as six months after they have lost their spouse and they tend to do very well with their new spouse and their life together. I have a neighbor Mike who lost his wife a decade ago and he attempted to date but it just wasn’t for him. Unfortunately, he had to put his dog down and losing your spouse and your dog well that just totally sux.

I have had people ask me when will I start dating and I just say I do not know because it is none of their business that I have already dated here and there. I do not like anyone knowing my business but my neighbors are so damn nosey I have to watch every move I make. When I was seeing “C” I would park my car in the driveway and have him park in the garage so my neighbors wouldn’t know I had a visitor.

I think it is best to keep your private life private until you are really comfortable in your relationship with another then go ahead and introduce that person to your friends and eventually your family if you think the relationship will stand the test of time. It is always best not to introduce the one you are dating to your kids until you feel that the relationship is a strong one.

Good People

Most people take things that aren’t theirs and if you lose your wallet you will be hard pressed to get it returned. Well, today I left my wallet in a shopping cart outside of the grocery and as soon as I got home I realized I had left it. I got caught up in traffic so that kept me from getting back immediately to the store but when I did finally get there my wallet was not in the cart.

I sat on the couch thinking maybe I will get lucky enough to get it returned to me so don’t panic. I was just about to start canceling my debit and credit cards but I though I would wait until tomorrow because I have to go to the bank tomorrow anyway. I was so down in the mouth about losing my wallet because it seems like our entire lives are carried around in our wallet.

I was hoping someone would return it and sure as shit a young girl showed up at my  house with my wallet. I only had thirty dollars but I gave her twenty of it and thanked her profusely. She said she would hope if she lost her wallet that someone would return it and I told her I wish I had more money I could give her but she said that was fine and I could tell she was happy with the twenty I gave her. It is so nice to know that there are still some really good people walking this earth!!!!

Be True

To thy self be true sets us free as we are following our heart and doing what we should be doing to have inner peace. When you deny what you know you should be doing you are causing yourself inner pain. What keeps us from the very thing we want or need in our lives? We are living our lives to please others and not ourselves and we end up getting lost in others wants and needs.

Some people keep themselves so busy that they do not have time to think about what they really want or need. Sometimes even though they are very busy their wants and needs creep up like a shadow in the moonlight. No matter how hard we try to deny what we need in our lives we can never truly forget about it and we feel the need, the pull to go after what it is our heart wants.

Being true to ourselves is one of the hardest things to do as I have found out but I do know that when we follow our own desires wants and needs we become more fulfilled and complete as a person. I think we play to many mind games with ourselves and we end up confusing ourself which only makes things so much worse for us. We end up wasting so much time and we end up regretting it.

The Fear

Mike and Gabe are scared to death of thunder and lightning and they couldn’t get any closer to me if they had tried. They curl up in a ball and push themselves into my chest as if that is the safest place they could be. I sleep like a log and didn’t hear a thing but my kids said the thunder was super loud and shook the house. I do remember waking up and seeing the lightning but then I fell back to sleep.

This has been a strange summer but I shouldn’t be surprised because Michigan weather is screwed up with the winter being ridiculously cold and the summer just being strange as we have had a lot of rain this year. I haven’t been to the rv in a month and the grass is so damn long so we will be heading that way Saturday once Shelby gets out of school. I have had a couple call me to see the rv and they asked me not to sell it until they see it, wtf???

I had a lady ask me to do the same thing about six weeks ago and she never showed and wouldn’t pick up when I called her which is so fucked up. She should have just said she found something else or she had changed her mind. I do hope these people show up and buy the place because it is such a waste of money as we do not use it as we once did. Im not going to hold my breath but damn the money would come in so handy as I need to buy another car.

The Fear

Mike and Gabe are scared to death of thunder and lightning and they couldn’t get any closer to me if they had tried. They curl up in a ball and push themselves into my chest as if that is the safest place they could be. I sleep like a log and didn’t hear a thing but my kids said the thunder was super loud and shook the house. I do remember waking up and seeing the lightning but then I fell back to sleep.

This has been a strange summer but I shouldn’t be surprised because Michigan weather is screwed up with the winter being ridiculously cold and the summer just being strange as we have had a lot of rain this year. I haven’t been to the rv in a month and the grass is so damn long so we will be heading that way Saturday once Shelby gets out of school. I have had a couple call me to see the rv and they asked me not to sell it until they see it, wtf???

I had a lady ask me to do the same thing about six weeks ago and she never showed and wouldn’t pick up when I called her which is so fucked up. She should have just said she found something else or she had changed her mind. I do hope these people show up and buy the place because it is such a waste of money as we do not use it as we once did. Im not going to hold my breath but damn the money would come in so handy as I need to buy another car.

The Connection

I was doing some reading this morning and ran across this article and as I read it, it was as if I were to read every word and at the end I found it dedicated to Kimberly, how fitting is that??? I connect with every word and it touched me to my core and yes it was written and meant for me to read and I share it with you in hopes that you get something of importance out of it like I did.

I believe that many people have difficulty embracing the idea of past lives or in reincarnation. Yet many of these same individuals are determined to find their Soulmates. If you are of the same mindset as I, then you too will believe that we tend to attract people or partners to us who compliment ourselves in some way. In attracting these people or partners, we attract exactly what we need in order to grow. I believe that a Soulmate can be a man or a woman….it makes no difference. What makes a Soulmate relationship so special is the ability to immediately and intimately connect on a much deeper level; we perceive in the other that which we do not have, that which we are lacking. Through this type of symbiotic relationship, something wonderful happens. Through this relationship we confront or become more aware of our limitations. This kind of *joining* transforms the other, and visa versa.

Much has been discussed and written on the topic of Soulmates. Several months ago, aftersome discussion, a friend sent me a wonderful article on the topic of the Soulmate relationship. It left quite an impression on me at the time and wanted to share it here. If anyone knows who the author is, I would love to know to give proper credit. Here is what was written:

SOULMATES

When we are born it begins a journey. Along the way on this long winding path we eventually end up seeking many things. One of which is love. In the beginning, it is from our Mother & Father, then our family, community and so on. Eventually, assuming everything goes right, we begin to find we have a void within us, which other forms of love can’t seem to fill.

We have all known loneliness, a dark emptiness within our soul which seems to stretch for an eternity. We feel like we are apart of nothing, just drifting aimlessly upon the sea of humanity with no destination, nor land in sight. At times despair is like our wet clothing as we shiver cold and alone in the darkness. To distract ourselves we dream of “The One” and how they will lift our spirits and take away the emptiness, this absence of life.

For some, eventually someone comes along and brings light to this darkness. But as humans, sometimes we are by this time so starved to be “touched” that we unknowing make compromises which, if we were rational we would not make. Thus the saying. “Blinded by Love “. Because, of these compromises, we may never find our true predestined love.

Many of you now, are not in a “Soulmate” relationship. The truth is you got tired of waiting and you settled for the best “offer” at the time. This was your choice, and now is your Karma. But in your heart, in your soul, you know if someone is your Soulmate, for it goes beyond just love. It is a form of joining.

When you meet your, (SM) this person will have an instantaneous effect on you. A Soulmate is someone who makes your knees go weak and you want to catch your breath. With but a single glance they lesson your burden and but a smile, warms your heart. You will feel a sense of connection ( affinity ) with this person. They will touch you so deeply on so many levels, you will want to share your inner most secrets. For the first time in your life someone will make you feel like almost like a god. Once you have met your (SM) for better or sometimes worse, your life will never be the same.

One of the things which makes this experience unique is the sense of a meaningful spiritual experience. You both feel like this is to be and that you’ve been together before in a past incarnation. Normally for some, it is several months, weeks or days before physical intimacy (sex) occurs. But when you meet your (SM) something happens, the pull or drive to become physically intimate overwhelms many, and one finds it happening basically in the initial meeting. There’s a sense of safety with this person. You knowingly let go of your defenses as an empathic like bond is formed. Unlike other relationships, in the past, there will be no game playing or hidden agendas which plagued you in the past.

Sometimes the best way to find something, is by not looking for it. With this in mind, you probably will meet your Soulmate (SM) when you’re not looking. Since life revels in making things difficult, you’ll probably meet them in the morning when your on the grave yard shift. For many it will be after a bad relationship or several bad relationships. If you’re lucky you won’t have to wait until your 50 to meet your (SM). But if you do. well at least you’ll appreciate it’s significance more, than someone in there twenties. You have had the benefit of experience, the perspective of age and the knowledge, such love is once in a life time.

The point here is “Serendipity”, so forget about taking that “Singles” bus tour to the Circus. Sure you’ll meet a lot of nice people and perhaps you really should get out, but just be prepared to ..Well, meet some real clowns.

The universe is a funny place, don’t be surprised if your Soulmate is older or younger. Soulmate’s don’t care about age. How much older or younger ? From my observations, expect years like 7 to 20. In a true (SM) relationship it won’t matter, if anything it will make you stronger. Life is not neat, nor has it ever been. So why should it start now ?

There is something about the Passion you share with an (SM). It goes beyond just ” body parts“. For a moment in time you two are the only ones who exist in the universe. Hearts beating in rhythm as your souls have intertwined themselves becoming one. Your personal energies meld and you feel the flame of creation move through you like a wave of the ocean on a hot summers day. Soon you begin to lose track, of where you begin and your partner ends. From within the depths of your raw passionate union, your (SM) will know how and where to touch you. It will be different, intense and more gratifying than lovers of your past.

They will look into your eyes and you will feel your soul open wide. For some people, there is the “Rush”. All the love, all the lust, all the need will surge forth from your soul like captives from a prison. At this moment you will know what it means to get lost within someone’s eyes. You will experience a touch you have never felt before and your lust will rise to new levels. Often, in the case of true Soulmates, you can get so carried away you can actually hurt yourself. ( I know.. she caused me to pull several muscles one night) But in the end as you lay there, as the warm afterglow begins to fade, you will realize what just happened was not sex. “Sex, simply doesn’t feel this good.”

To put it simply, your (SM) will be able to make love to you in ways no one else will be able to match.

It is within our nature as human being to fuck things up. The very thing which makes Soulmate love so special, is the one thing which can bring it down. The simple fact is, the unparalelled love & passion is terrifying to many people.

We learned how to have relationships from our parents or primary giver. If your primary givers relationships were dysfunctional, then chances are so are yours. There are many people in this world who in relationships maintain an extreme amount of emotional control. They take pride in the fact that their partner is madly in love with them. By being able to “wrap them around their finger” they feel safer. Thus, all their relationships become based on this pattern. Then one day their (SM) comes along and wham!. Quickly they discover the control over their heart and the relationship is gone. Now they must relate on a level playing field, and for many, they run.

For those of you who are runners let me tell you what you already know. It doesn’t work. You can move to the other side of the planet, marry someone else and fill up your spare time with some cause. But the simple truth is, your (SM) will be there in your soul. No matter how hard you try, no matter how busy you make yourself, everyday they will enter you thoughts. So then many try and fuck them out. But that doesn’t work either, for it becomes just sex and as you lay there afterwards you will feel empty and cheated.

A good measure of this is a simple test. After you have just made love to the person who you are using as a safe substitute, do you find yourself wanting to “get away” from them? A kind of “Okay, I got off..now get away from me feeling”? This is assuming that you can still get off. In some cases your orgasms are just barely, if you’re lucky. When you were with your (SM), didn’t you feel the need to remain close, to pull each other tightly and melt into each other? That’s the difference….and one which is very hard to hide from yourself.

If you run, then you’ve made the conscious choice to doom yourself and the other person to be haunted for the rest of your life. Sure, you may eventually fall in love with someone who fits your preconceived image or expectation (cute, rich or successful) of what your partner should be. But as time moves on…you never forget, you always wonder and then you eventually regret. I have a saying:

The Soulmate relationship is worth putting up a fight, but there comes a time when you have done all that you can do..and you can do no more. At some point, the one who runs has to choose to stop and come to their senses. Life is sadly cruel, just as it is grand. Short of burying your child, losing your Soulmate is indescribable anguish.

It is like having your tender soul ripped from your body. You feel lost, abandoned and betrayed. There is a sense of panic which permeates your very being and personal existence. You find yourself saying, “never again”. You did something you had never done before, you willingly let another in….all the way.

Eventually, after the shock, the depression comes, then the anger and then you just want it all to end. You wish you could just stop feeling…but you can’t. And no matter how much you drink, smoke or eat, you can’t make the pain go away. Yes, regular love hurts too..and badly. But when you lose your (SM), no matter how enlightened, wise or talented, in both will and spirit you are…it is devastating.

Many of us sadly, fail to recover and we truly never “Love” again. Those who are really weak, try to kill themselves. Be it with a car speeding on a wet winding road after drinking, or “J” walking on 42nd street, to just taking one too many pills. The end result is the same if we succeed, suicide is suicide whether you leave a note or note.

In the end, we don’t even want to see the person, because that just tares open the wound over and over. Right or wrong, that’s just the way it is. Eventually, you go on with your life and you stop hating them…because like you…they will never forget either.

Every now and then life gives us a happy ending. Sometimes, after trying to get their (SM) out of their minds, the “runner” comes to realize what they had lost. A few are wise enough to do whatever it takes to correct the situation and get back into their Soulmates arms. Hopefully, not enough time has gone by so that the situation is salvagable. But oftentimes it’s not. All I can say is TRY. With Soulmates there is NO pride, and there CAN be forgiveness. We are destined to meet our Soulmate, what you do after that is “your” choice.

We are born into this world alone and we begin our journey. I few are lucky we find the right partner, “The ONE” along the way. With this person we grow, learn and experience the wonders of human existence. They become part of us, as we become part of them. Eventually, our journey must end as we were born to die, alone. But in between these two points we hopefully have learned, experienced and gained some wisdom with the chance to pass it on.

As I walk my chosen path I say to those of you who shall follow me, this is but one part of the road which lay ahead of you.

In my lifetime, I found my Soulmate. I know the joys, the exquisite highs and the sense of oneness, completion and peace. Yet as we turn the coin on the other side, I also know the ongoing torment of losing one. I hope you never have to find out how it feels….to lose part of oneself. But if you do, know this: “You will survive. Your life will never be the same, but given enough time you will survive” At such a moment, you are not able to see that way. Once you do survive, the choices, good or bad, are your responsibility…and life will be what YOU make of it.

The dedication was To: Kimberly….I waited all my life to find you….my Soulmate…and for a brief moment, YOUR thoughts were MY thoughts. MY goals were YOUR goals, YOUR dreams were MY dreams. The love was grand, the passion unrivaled and we both finally felt complete. Sadly for both of us, until YOU put in enough time on this planet…you may never understand the value of what was cast aside.

“Experience is the greatest teacher of all”….

Maybe….my love….we will get it right next lifetime.

Author: Unknown

Bed Time Brawl

I am a restless sleeper as I toss and turn all night throwing the covers off of me and then back on again. I take a frozen bottle of water to bed with me every night because I wake up several times and I am always thirsty. Michael cannot sleep unless he is touching me and he makes it a point to claim his space between my shoulder blades and there he sleeps all night.

Gabe sleeps at the foot of the bed and sometimes he will sleep next to Michael and I cuddle with them like a lover. I lie in bed for about an hour every night thinking, just thinking about the day or selling of the house or who knows. Shelby and I will be heading to the rv on Saturday and we will come back either Saturday evening or Sunday morning as we haven’t decided yet.

It’s Christmas in July at the campground so it will be super crowded and I am hoping that someone wants to buy the rv. Ryan will stay home as usual and the boys will come with us. It’s nice up there but I hate the drive and do not enjoy it when it is crowded. I seem to sleep so late when I am up there and it must be the country air that knocks me out. Wow, the summer is once again flying by but I am looking forward to closing up the trailer for the season.