The Decision

When we marry we never think that we may one day have to make a life altering decision for our partner, we never think we will have to make a decision to either save their life or change their life forever. This is what happened to me on a rainy April day in 2003 and yes it was life altering for my husband, children and myself.

The dr. told me matter of factly that he would have to amputate my husband’s foot, the dr. spoke as if it was such an easy decision, as if I would not have to give it any thought what so ever. I had to think  long and hard and under the shock of such a surgery it wasn’t easy for me to think of what was the best thing to do.

I knew it was the dr.s fault my husband was lying in a bed in horrific pain as the gangrene took over his toes and I knew there was no way that I would allow that dr. to operate on my husband and I told him I wanted my husband transferred for a second opinion. The dr. said ok and then my husband would be brought back for the amputation.

There was no way I was going to let that happen and once transferred the new surgeon told me he didn’t know if he could save my husband’s leg as his foot was considered damaged beyond repair. The day of surgery I brought the kids to the hospital because that might be the last time that they saw him.

They wheeled him into the operating room and the kids and I waited to hear how the surgery went. The skys turn dark and the rain began to slowly bead up upon the window as I looked past the droplets into the distance. I felt numb and so alone and that is when I made a deal with myself and God.

I watched the droplets of water work down the window in a jagged line and I said to myself if the droplet stopped at a point that I had already determined that my husband would live. If the droplet went past that point then he would die and thank God the droplet stopped which gave me some peace.

No one has any idea what it is like to live with or be an amputee unless they have experienced it and anyone that would be stupid enough to ask a dr. to amputate their leg or legs is really ignorant. My husband came home and I was solely responsible for lifting him and getting him into bed. He laid in bed day after day and called my name when he was hungry or thirsty.

I finally couldn’t take the self pity he consumed himself with and I finally told him to get his ass on the board and slide onto his wheelchair. He finally got so hungry he made the move and found his way into the kitchen. His coffee cup was on the counter and all he had to do was pour the coffee into the cup.

There were days when he forgot that he was an amputee and attempted to get out of bed by and walk which landed him face down on the floor. Then there were the phantom pains he felt as if he still had his leg and the pain that he felt prior to the amputation. He had lost everything, his job, a great pension, long term disability funds, his self asteem, the ability to stand on two legs without help but most of all he lost himself.

Our life slowly went down hill and we became distant as the years passed and we no longer had anything in common. Our marriage had died a slow and painful death as he became more and more distracted and had no desire to be part of the family. So this is how it goes when you have to make a decision to safe a life or a limb.

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Unusual

Being celibate for the last five years has kept me from experiencing some pretty strange things sexually I guess. A friend of mine went out with a guy and ended up in bed with him and he used a chin-strapped dildo on her, lmao. She was in shock that he would use such an item on her without her consent but then again what the hell is she doing in bed with someone she just met?

Im not against sex, o no not at all but I do not believe in sleeping with someone for the sake of getting your rocks off. Im not a prude, just someone that believes it is important to know the person you are sharing your body with and sharing their body fluids. So many people have herpes and yes they should tell you but do they?

Some people will brag that they are getting laid but is their quality to the sex they are getting or is it strictly to get off? I wouldn’t enjoy sex just for a nut all of the time because I want to feel the very soul of the person I am having sex with. I want to share myself so deeply with that person that they feel something that they have never felt before.

So I will continue to wait for the one that fits well with me and yes staying sexless is difficult but at least I do  not have any regrets or feel cheap like so many others have and do. If you are not having quality sex then why waste your time?

Gift Or Curse?

Some people can sing beautifully and some people are given the gift of being a sports idol and then some are given the gift of knowing things without any knowledge or proof of it being. I have been given the gift of knowing, yes I know things just because and that is just the way it is. When I am grounded and in a well adjusted state of mind I can easily pick up when someone is trying to play me or when they are lieing to me.

I am not sure if this is a gift or curse but I do know that I hate hurting anyone and avoid it at all costs but sometimes there is a person that wants to hurt me because they cannot control me and they resent their own emotional connection with me and want me to pay in some way for their own emotional weakness. I have no desire to hurt this person but he has become careless over the years and has left himself open to actually knowing it is him for sure.

I could easily contact his family members and send his naked pic to them and I have so much proof it is him that has contacted me over the years but I have no desire to hurt him. Sometimes, mental illness only seems to affect one person in our family but the truth is stalking is caused by mental illness as well. This person is a billionaire but he is not the only billionaire that is stalking online.

I have been weighing out the good and bad of contacting his family and letting them know that he is stalking me and has for years and yes I can and will provide the proof they need to believe it. He will deny, deny, deny but the evidence cannot be ignored and his family will be in such shock and denial for a while but then they will realize that he is a sick person and all of his money cannot make him free of the mental illness that has controlled his obsessive behavior.

I finally told my bf friend about him and showed her the information about him online and she couldn’t believe he was stalking me until I showed her all of the proof I had. After looking at everything even she couldn’t deny it was him stalking me and she was quite surprised as well. She thinks he wants to meet me badly but because he is married and his wife has her thumb on him he cannot meet me without her finding out and that could never happen now could it? Nope, she would disgrace him among all family and friends and that could never do for him.

He is acting like a typical stalker, blaming me for his desire of me, being hateful, being kind, trying to find out everything he can about my life and my family ect. This is all typical stalking behavior and he needs to get help and get it fast. He could very easy pay someone to hurt me and it wouldn’t surprise me if he did so and yes he could even have me killed but would he? Who knows because he is a stalker and stalkers are very sick people.

My stalker used to be very attractive but as he ages he has lost much of his physical appeal and he is no longer wearing his age very well. The surprising thing is he has so many wrinkles at 45 years of age and I have yet to show a single wrinkle on my face. I am getting healthier every day and he is slowly losing his health, his vitality, his desire. He will stay in an unhappy relationship because to leave it would be such a blow to so many people and that would come back to haunt him or so he thinks.

He is the type of person that will wait for his spouse to die before he finds true happiness but the truth is she will out live him and he will lie on his death bed with so many regrets and so many unfulfilled desires. He is no longer the young attractive young gent, o no he now is an old man who is bitter and regretful and hates having anyone not want to kiss his ass and bow down to him and he will attempt to hurt anyone that doesn’t do his bidding but that is to bad now isn’t it???

Stand Up

Did you ever notice that if you say something negative about someones sister or brother that they will stand up for their sibling more often than not? This is usually the case when people are married as well but when your spouse calls you  a bitch or allows anyone to call you derogatory names then you have no respect for your spouse and actually feel great resentment towards them.

There are those that call their spouses bitches to others and yes this shows great disrespect for that person and it also shows a lack of respect for themselves. One should never say anything negative about their significant other to anyone that is not close family or close friend that one can confide in. Any man that says things bad about his spouse shows that he has no respect for her and he will show you the same lack of respect if you end up with him.

When you feel this way then you need to leave the marriage because you are slowly building hatred towards your spouse and this isn’t healthy for you or for them. You should never allow anyone to say anything negative about your spouse because you once loved that person very much and respected that person as well. You cannot blame anyone for your unhappiness because you and you alone made the decision to commit to marriage and if you are not happy then dammit commit to divorce.

My stalker doesn’t have any respect for his wife and hasn’t for years because he isn’t happy one bit and tries to blame his wife because they married so young. He didn’t mind having her spread her legs and spit out four kids but unfortunately for him he never was given a daughter but four sons instead. He once loved this woman very much as he screamed it out to the world  Ti amo irina and that  was when love was sweet.

As they grew older they have grown apart and he wants what most men want, an exciting sex life, his cock sucked and a woman who will allow him to express all of his sexual desires. He would never ask his wife to perform any sexual act because, well that would make him look sick in her eyes or so he may think and maybe he did try to get her to do open up sexually but that would never happen, nope.

I once admired and respected him but not any longer and I have no desire to break bread with him any longer. I am not one to hurt others but when they won’t leave me be then they are poking a sleeping dogs and we all know it is best to let sleeping dogs lie. I will contact his wife or family members and send them his naked pic he sent me and I will make it clear to them that he can try to lie his way out of it calling it photoshopped but it isn’t.

I want him out of my life for good and I tried to be his friend but he doesn’t want to be friends, nope he is a  pig and thinks he can control me like everyone else in his life but that will never happen. I am never going to be his puppet like so many others in his life and if he isn’t careful he will fuck up many good things in his life. Hell, he has financed every member and extended member of his family and they look at him as a meal ticket, how sad is that?

Famous Last Words

So many people will say things like “I don’t care what you think or what you say” but the truth is those are always famous last words because those words are so far from the truth. When someone says those words what they are really saying is that they care very much but do not want the other person to know it. The fear of being rejected is so strong that people will say or do whatever they have to so they can protect their heart.

I think everyone cares what others think of them and some care too much and it really bothers them when someone thinks poorly of them. I for one used to care so much about someone but I have learned that I need to forget about that person and let them grow on their own. He is lonely and has a seriously sad heart but that is of his own doing and being rude and hateful to me isn’t going to change that.

He stays in a relationship because it would reflect poorly on him to get a divorce and no one in his family has ever walked down the road of divorce I bet. He isn’t mature enough for me and I will no longer allow him to hurt me emotionally with his immature and hateful behavior. I understand he feels trapped in his life and he wants to be with me if only to meet me but that is something that is just to scary for him to approach.

Im fine without him and always will be and I will continue to live my life doing the best I can and being the best person I can be. I am very giving and warm and I do enjoy helping others and donating my time to causes that touch me dearly. I do not do anything for attention or to make myself look good in others eyes and I do not have to impress anyone like he feels he does. I know longer believe we shall ever meet and really don’t care if I ever do meet him because he shows me nothing other than he is self absorbed.

He is going to have to learn to live without me because he refuses to take the step to meet me and I am not waiting for him any longer. I have taken a long hard look at my life and it doesn’t include him in any way shape or form. I am not angry any longer and I have just come to the point I just no longer care and it is simple as that. He can continue to finance his family’s adventures, and grab the lime light whenever he can because that is all he has which leaves him with an empty heart.

Control

Isn’t it amazing how your emotions can have such control over your behavior? What you think? What you feel? So many people believe in soulmates and they know that when all they can think of is that one person then they have connected with their soulmate. There emotions remind them constantly of that one person that have, can and will change their life forever for the better and even if they are involved with someone else it is just a matter of time before they make that physical connection with their soulmate.

You can never forget your soulmate and you can never get them out of your mind or heart no matter how hard you may try. You may be mean and hateful to the because you do not like the control they have over you and you think your actions will push away that person forever, how stupid are you to think that will work? Nope, that will never work because a soulmate cannot be pushed out or your life because they are permanent and forever there.

So you say but I have a husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend and I love that person so why would I be so attracted to another? It’s because your current relationship has nothing more to offer you, nothing more to teach you and your soulmate is the only one that can help you to continue to grow and learn. You may also say I will never leave my current relationship but we both know that in your heart you want out so badly you can taste it.

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Your soulmate will be with you when the time is right, when you are ready for them and when you will open yourself up to what they have to offer you and only then will you finally be with that one person you are meant to be with. Isn’t it funny how your emotions can lead you to that one person but your lack of maturity will allow you to open yourself to them? You act like an immature little child and your behavior becomes appauling even to yourself but you cannot help yourself, now can you???????

You will always think about that one person and you will always wonder what they feel like, smell like, taste like and you will continue to dream of them, masturbate to the thought of them. Your life will always be incomplete without them by your side and this will forever be the driving force that keeps you doing everything you can to keep connected to them even if it is only by that red string until you can be with them physically.