U Made Me Feel So small

I loved you for a little bit longer but……..

 

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Wants And Needs

We want so many things and we work for those things and eventually purchase them but our needs, well that is something totally different in deed. Our needs must be met to keep us physically and mentally healthy and without getting our needs met we suffer so very much.

We get our basic needs met but matters of the heart are not so easily fulfilled and we strive to be happy any way we can. So many are married and miserable or at least unhappy and they want more, need more. Life is so very short and when we find that one person we try to forget, we try so very hard to  forget, we try to push away, we have found our soulmate.

We may even go as far as saying and doing things that will make that person turn their back on us or even hate us. We get so controlled by our own desires that we become overwhelmed and want the one we love to walk away,  but not really. We want that person and cannot deny it making each and every day harder and harder to get through without them by our side.

No one wants to be divorced but there are times that we must do what is best for ourselves and we must make the move we have tried to forget about. We want and need that special person so badly that we are willing to give up whatever we must to be with that person.

We have no intention of hurting anyone but everyone gets hurt regardless but when the dust finally settles and we can be with that person that makes our heart skip a beat we realize that the move was worth it. It’s so damn hard to do what we must to be with the one we need and we know it takes strength to make the move.

We finally realize that if we do not make that dreaded move the one that has stolen our heart will walk away and we will no longer have a chance to have them by our side. We accept that we may have pushed and pushed and the person finally has decided to close the door on us forever and not look back. We also accept that we cannot let that door close so we jam our foot in it to keep it open for us as long as we can until we can enter.

Try as we may, we want it all but know we cannot have it all and the one that has stolen our heart is the one and only that can give us the true happiness we need so badly. Our love continues to grow over time and we know in our heart that we can no longer live the lie of lies and we must turn our back on the one that we have spent years with.

Lets Talk

As I look back the hardest time I ever had with my spouse was telling him we needed to sit down and talk. We sat at the table and I apprehensively looked out the sliding glass door looking over the field in the back. I slowly worked up the nerve to say the words that I dreaded saying but knew needed to be said.

I started by trying to soften the blow with words like neither of us have been happy, we just didn’t fit together any longer, ect. I finally told him I wanted a divorce and the wind was knocked out of him for sure. I could tell he wasn’t prepared for those words and he tried the lets get counseling route but I told him it was too late.

We lived in separate rooms of the house for a while prior to me filing for divorce and once he was served he was no longer trying to be nice. He turned into someone I didn’t know as he emptied the bank account leaving me without a dime and the charge cards had been ran up so I couldn’t use them.

This is the same man who planted his seed in me and I gave him to children, this was the same man who ran to the pharmacy to get my medication, this was the man who I had built a life with. This man was turned inside out and no longer the man I had ever known.

He did everything possible to destroy me, my reputation, damage everything that meant anything to be and disposed of things that I liked. When I come across anyone thinking of divorce I warn them to protect themselves because the one that is rejected is more likely than not to lash out and damage the other person any way they can including using the children.

During a divorce girls usually take to their father’s defense and boys want to protect their mother and will turn against their father. It takes a long time to repair the damage of a divorce when you are dealing with a bitter spouse and its always best not to say anything negative about the other parent.

When we want out of our marriage and there is someone waiting in the wings for us we really need to make a move to ensure out happiness. No one will wait forever but you have to make the move when it is right for you and only you and if someone loves you they will support you anyway they can.

So many times two people meet and the one that is married becomes totally besotted with the other person and they want a divorce like yesterday. They say things to the one that has stolen their heart and they let themselves get carried away and then after thinking about it they run away scared to death at the actual thought of making a move.

They find themselves in a situation that they don’t know how to get themselves out of and they regret things that they said. They end up so confused that they become missing in action until they can get their bearings. They come out of hiding with a clearer head and a vision for their future, may it be with the one that stole their heart or may it be with the spouse that they will eventually leave.

Street Lights

When you drive down a street the street is usually lit by street lights but between each light is a part of the street that isn’t so easily seen. When you come to the part of the street that one light is out you cannot see anything in the dark at all. That is what my life is feeling like at this time.

I feel like I can see clearly at moments and others things can be foggy and completely dark at times. This is starting out to be a crazy month as I was knocked off me feet with surprise by someone admitting that they loved me. I actually believed this person because we are soulmates regardless of my doubts at this time.

He appears to be playing me and I have no idea why he would want to hurt me but if he wants to push me away it is really quite simple to let me know and I would be gone. He will never deal with a jealous woman that wants to destroy him as a way of payback because I just cannot hurt him in that way.

He continues to lie to me for whatever reason and I know he isn’t living in Argentina regardless of what he says. All of the private pics of him have been deleted from their locations and I have been blocked as well. As my son says it takes two people to make a relationship and worrying doesnt change a thing.

I have no doubt there is a girlfriend living with this man and I think he isn’t happy regardless of how much sex he may be getting from her. I can wish him nothing but the best and the biggest sin is not following your heart and opening up to love. I thought we were friends but once again I am the fool with an upside down grin, now aren’t I.

The Eyes

Wow some people are really something as they stallk the fuck out of you but when you start looking into them they dont like it and have you blocked and they tell others that you are stalking them. Then to top it all off they fucking lie to you to find out what you may know about them.

They tell you they love you and want to be with you and its all a fucking game to them. They use you for a quick online fuck and then move on like you are nothing and never were. This is how it goes and this is how life is and this is why I hate people and love my pets.

Everything

Have you ever met that person that had everything you have ever wanted or needed? Have you ever been scared to death to let that person love you for fear that their words of love are just a mask to get something from you? Have you ever wanted to put all of your faith in them but fear that they will hurt you?

That is where I am at in my life, he says he loves me but I think he has a girlfriend already along with a wife and I will not be involved in a relationship that puts me on the bottom of the totem poll. It’s bad enough to be involved with someone who is married regardless of the state of their marriage.

I cannot and will not let myself be part of something that is only going to destroy me in the end. I do not know if what he says he feels for me is true or just a way for him to taste the fruit of my loins. How can I trust what he says, how can I know that he is for real? He has to prove it and if he doesnt real soon then I have to let this go permanently and not look back.

Just Words

I have been played over and over on the internet and I finally caught on and learned to protect myself. The internet can be very helpful or hurtful and it all depends on how people use it. Sex is the number one thing most people are looking for and most connections it appears are sexually motivated.

Im a very sexual woman but I do not look for sex or want to be used for sexual pleasure by anyone. When a man is involved with a woman she is either his girlfriend or his three hole wonder and I surely do not want to be the latter. When you care for someone their words can easily get you to succumb to things that you really want to if you look deep within yourself.

Yes, words can make your heart skip a beat and make your panties wet but they also can rip your heart out and leave you feeling cold and empty. I feel so damn stupid for letting my feelings be known just because he said he wanted to be with me and I am his soulmate mean nothing because they are just words.

I can not allow myself to continue to be here for him until he proves to me that what he says is truthful. It’s just odd that we text for hours but then I have little communication from him for two days. I do not understand the workings of his private life and I cannot hang my hat on his words because I have no proof that he is sincere.