To Take

From what my aunt told me I was a very happy little girl. I smiled, giggled and laughed quite a  bit at lifes little pleasures. I slept like a baby, literally as I was one.

Then the divorce of my parents happened and my sister, brother as well as myself became wards of my grandparents. Not many people have any idea how it affects a child being separated from their parents. To take the love away from a child really changes how they approach life.

My dad had no desire to be a father and my mother wanted what anyone twenty one years old wants. She wanted to be single, free, playful and loved.

Unfortunately, for her mental illness took hold of her brain. She left us with our grandparents for several years and her promised visits were nothing but lies.

She did come to visit us but the visits were far and few in between. My grandparents loved us but living on a farm had happy as well as sad times.

My uncle molested me when I was three and my sister was five when he infiltrated our bodies.  He got off on touching us in are private areas and years later he did the same to his granddaughter.

I have put that terrible part of my life to rest many years ago but the physical abuse as well as mental abuse was yet to come. When my mother to possession of us once again then the beatings and hateful words began.

I was made to feel that I owed my mother my life and I guess I did. Without her I wouldn’t be here today but I should not feel that I should pay for each and every breath that I take.

I can remember wearing long pants and shirts to hide bruises and the fear of telling. I was more fearful of not knowing what would happen to me if I told. Could life get any worse being taken from my mother?

I kept the beatings a secret as well as the hateful words but year after year I prayed for the day I was old enough to leave.  Finally, I became of age and got a job in the steel mill.

The happiest day of my life was moving into my own apartment and getting away from my mother. I will admit I went to counseling on and off for over thirty years, and yes it has helped.

I can remember how many times I wish I were dead but never had the nerve to take my own life. The dysfunctional family unit made me crave for stability and love.

I think my upbringing is what makes me recent people who do things for me and through it in my face. When you remind me over and over what you have done for me it feels like a rake going over an old wound.

I get angry when the very person that has helped is now haunting me. The reminders show me a very weak person that needs constant reassurance. I am not the type of woman to feed insecurities and maybe its because I have lived through such adversity.

If you cannot put on your big boy pants then dont expect me to respect you as I won’t. If you think I will feed your insecurities, no I will not. If you are not happy in your life, your work or your marriage, do not expect me to hold your hand and make you feel better.

Maybe I come off as a cold individual because there was never anyone there to hold my hand. There was never anyone there to protect me and save me when I needed saving.

I learned the hard way the importance of the relationship between parent and child. Those that put their children in boarding schools have no idea the damage they are doing to their relationships with their children.

I am finding more and more Libra’s put their children in boarding schools  because they do not want to be a 24 hour parent. They want their freedom to do what they want without the burden of children. 

This is really sad as the child becomes bitter and builds resentment towards their parents. The child finds love in personal relationships and lacks it from their own parents.

The bottom line is our childhoods shape us in many ways. We can either repeat how we were raised or do the opposite. I for one have tried to not repeat the same mistakes my parents made. 

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