A Mother’s Pain

If you are a mother you can relate to how much my heart hurts. I have tried so damn hard to raise my kids the best way I know how. My son is bipolar and tried to kill me two years ago.

He refused to take his meds and he was posting on facebook that he was going to commit suicide. I took away his phone so he couldn’t post anymore of that crap and he attacked me. 

He is a big boy 6’2″ 240 lbs. and he is very strong. He grabbed me and threw me into a wall and took the dog cage and started beating me with it. Earlier he had poured a gallon of milk on the kitchen floor and I refused to clean it up.

Once I was able to get on my feet I ran into the kitchen avoiding the milk and he slipped and slid into the cabinets. That is the only thing that saved me as he ran out the sliding door.

The cops found him walking barefoot in the middle of winter down the street. He was committed to a mental institution for a year. I did everything I could to help him get better. I would drive an hour every saturday to go see him and do therapy sessions with him.

My son is the spitting image of his dad as far as manipulating and lieing and you cannot tell he is lieing because he is so good at it. I have never lied those dark and ugly lies but I am guilty of the little white lies.

My son and his girlfriend were living with me and I didnt ask a dime from them. They lived like pigs and I had to evict them last week. My son has been playing league of legends which is a huge online game.

He met some older people that live in Texas and they became friends. Ryan told them that I was hateful person that has never done a damn thing for him. He talked about me like I am shit so of course they invited Ryan and his gf to Texas.

My son stole 2 computers that cost $5000.00 the alienware gaming computer was $4000.00 alone. He broke up with his girlfriend four months ago and she cried like someone had died.

My son is her first boyfriend and she told me they were marrying in a couple of years. Lieing little bitch got knocked up and she is now 4 months pregnant. I found out from a friend of my sons.

He told me he wanted nothing to do with me ever again and that he wanted me out of his life forever. Ok, no problemo I removed him from my will already and I refuse to help him ever again.

I have no desire to see that kid and my son needs mental health badly as does his girlfriend. My son has huge up and downs emotionally and the mood swings get scary at times.

I have cried for two days because I have tried so damn hard but nothing I do is ever good enough. My son feels he is entitled to steal from me and that I owe him. He is jealous that his sister got two cars already and totalled both and now on her third car.

He is jealous because everyone that meets my daughter can see she is going places and is a hard worker. My son is lazy, inconsiderate and hates me and if he had a gun he would shoot me-no lie that is how much he  hates me.

I know I raised him and being a single parent I felt bad that his father had passed. I know I was always easier on my son than my daughter. This entire ordeal has ripped my heart out of my chest. I didnt know I had that many tears inside of me but I found to have a flood of them.

A mother’s pain runs deep when their child do and say hateful things. When a mother doesnt have a good mother that raised them then problems arise. My mother was physically and mentally abusive. She never conforted me or told me she loved me, in fact she told she hated me and wish I had never been born.

I lack the ability to show compassion physically, hugging and giving words of comfort are foreign to me. I dont know how to comfort people spontaneously, I actually have to thing about my reactions and what to say.

I am very compassionate and caring but showing those emotions is very difficult for me. I tried to comfort my mother when I was younger and she rejected my hugs so that is why as an adult I cannot just show someone how much I truly to care and want to comfort them.

I have to look at the situation in the best of light and it is best he is gone. My son has been making me sick and I am so upset that I cannot keep anything down. I had two temporary ischemic attacks about six years ago and I have to be careful not to have anymore.

I lost part of my  memory and I do have a difficult time with my short term memory. Fortunately for me I did recover most of the memory back but I still have issues. Keeping myself healthy is my main priority and cutting my son loose is going to remove the daily stifling stress.

Here I am a widowed mother trying to do her best but nothing she does is ever good enough. It breaks my heart but cutting my son loose is the only way he will grow up and learn about life and I will find some peace finally.