Six Behind

Today is one of those days that you dread for about a week prior to it. For me, its exactly six years ago today that my husband passed away. It’s been a strange day in many ways as I have had such a heavy sadness.

For all of us that have suffered the loss of a spouse know the sadness I speak of. For those that have divorced you as well know that feeling. That is if you have finally gotten past the stage of anger and sticking needles into a doll hoping your ex or soon to be x can feel every poke and the pain of the depth of the needle into flesh.

I stayed busy all day but my husband was a frequent visitor to my mind. My son and I spent another active day doing repairs around the house and cleaning. We put down cement patches on the driveway and power washed the back porch. I have to say my son did an awesome job and tomorrow he is coming by to finish it.

After my son went home (he is no longer living at home) I started power washing and one corner of my porch was filled with the shells of thistle. I was literally covered from head to toe and sent the pics to my kids, both got a real good laugh out of it.

As I moved the power washer to wash the dirt towards the drain I had one of those Cheshire cat smiles cross my face. I thought of my husband and how he would of gotten a good laugh out of my appearance as well.

As I thought about him I could see him charming the panties off of the nuns, literally. He was smooth, as smooth as constipation medicine and he never met a single person that didnt like him.

He was a good man, a kind man as well as the biggest asshole I have ever met. As I look back at the almost divorce it would have been so much cheaper to keep him and looked for something on the side.

I talk some shit but the truth is I never would have cheated on him as that just isnt part of my makeup.  I know there are many people who have gotten tired of their worn out relationship.

They find their heads get turned usually for someone younger and then before they know it they are in a full blown affair. The fun lasts about 3-6 months and then things change and for  men that new girlfriend wants much more than you are willing to give. 

She starts pushing and the fun is over so you sit back and decide wish evil to chose. You end up going back home and back to the life you were living but this time there is a bit of underlying hostility from your mate.

You figured that the relationship at home isnt as bad as you thought and you knew it would be better to let that fresh, young thing move onto someone who can provide her with the future she is searching for.

What ends up happening is we settle because its convenient and predictable and we feel safe. Then there is the financials that are easy enough to share on day to day but to give up half of your fortune just isnt going to work.

All of these thoughts going through my mind and I know my husband isnt lonely and I know he tries his best to protect us. I have to say looking back I did respect my husband for most of our marriage but then things went south and I just couldnt recover.

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