Mother of Reinvention

I awoke to a soaked nightgown and that nasty phlegm cough that comes with being sick I had been ill for about 8 days and there was no end in site. I had awoke feeling loathing and anger as yesterday was just another replay of bullshit.

 My son was never raised to be a man and his own father wasn’t exactly the shining star intellectually. My husband found jealousy in technology, he was jealous that I enjoyed the computer more than him. That wasn’t hard to do because he did not have any desire to be more than he was.

When he lost his leg he allowed himself to lose himself and acting became second nature to him. He pretended life was fucking wonderful and instead of competing with a computer he chose to smash it.

My son was no different, he destroyed his bedroom door last night, this was the third door in the house. He had smashed my printer and laptop and I was sick of this behavior and just wanted  him to go away.

A parent should never feel that their life would be easier without their children or child. My son was not going to be allowed to treat me this way and I so wanted to slap him across the face. The situation is making me ill and it has to stop, it must stop immediately for the survival of the family unit.

My world stops completely when I am ill, the house is a pig sty, bills aren’t getting paid, the grass is knee high and the dogs are shitting all over the house because I’m to damn sick to stand for more then a view moments and let them out.

I loathe living in filth but since Mr. Fucking Dudley Do The Fuck Right preferred to keep his kids reliant on him, they never learned how to be mature enough to take the initiative to pick up something from the floor or put a dish in the dishwasher.

I’m trying to get a $2000.00 grant from the Archdiocese to help pay for school but have lost the paperwork. I ask for just a bit of help but that is never forth coming. My daughter is so fucking materialistic I could puke, just like her dad.

She wanted a $200.00 purse and she got it but she could damn well forget about pom camp. I refused to pay another dime for her desires and her coach got paid anyway. They wouldn’t allow the different clubs at school to have fundraisers and keep the funds. No the athletic director saw to it all fundraising was done for the football, as if they could play.

I’m overwhelmed daily with just living and I am only one person trying to keep things running smoothly but of course they never do. I’m sure when I am old and dependent  my daughter will put me in the shack on her property and hire a spanish speaking maid and I do not speak fucking spanish.

It’s hard to instill the importance of family when there is no family alive. I know the worth of family but it no longer matters because I cannot replace them. My grandmother  was a southern woman, a woman that knew growing your food, slaughtering your own meat and canning your own vegetables was the way of living. She was no push over, no Bessie Mae would beat your ass in a heartbeat but she would also wipe away my tears as I sat all dressed up waiting for my mother to come visit. My mother never even called but left us to sit and wait for her never appearing.

You do not do that to a child, you do not give birth to them and dump them in a parking lot waiting for their grandparents to take them. My grandfather wanted to adopt us but my mom refused because she didn’t want to give up the child support. And you wonder why money is not appealing to me? I had been taught that love came with a price tag that was to rich for my wallet.

I have actually been able to move past a lot of my personal issues but yes I am mad, damn mad and have a right to be. The woman that lived with my dad refuses to give me a copy of his trust. Michigan does not recognize common law marriage after 1959 so she is fucked and knows it.

I have no desire to bring harm to her life but she has no right to keep from me what is mine. She expects me to believe every word out of her mouth, yet she has lied to me about my dads attorney’s name and she is holding on to the trust for all it’s worth.

My great grandmother had china and my dad had replaced missing pieces but Doris said she was  going to give me half of them, who the fuck is this woman? I don’t care about the value of the china, it has no value to anyone but me. I ate my red velvet with green cream cheese frosting birthday cakes off those plates. This woman was parasitic and she took advantage of the elderly.  She helped the elderly so she could get into their pockets, another useless cunt on this earth and I have no there is a long line, very long line of more like her.

She was going to give the other half of the dishes to her kids when she died, as if they had a right to anything. She tried to convince me that my dad felt about her kids the way he felt about me. This is not so and never could be, my dad saw the image of himself in me, I was his greatest accomplishment in life. We look at our children and see ourselves and if all is well we find great pride in the goodness that we have passed to our children.

Her kids didn’t like my dad because he wouldn’t allow them to be abusive to Doris, their mother.  My dad had supported those kids and their mom for years and my dad didn’t marry her for a reason, even when I told him that would protect her when he passed.

My dad knew something I hadn’t and he informed me that his attorney didn’t know if his trust was legal. Why would my dad tell me this? Because he knew that Doris would try to fuck me in the end.

This wasn’t about money, this was about greed and insecurity, this woman had been promised many things by many people and never received them. You do not manipulate and control the sick and elderly and expect their family to let you have “things” you tried  to talk out of the person.

I wasn’t seduced by my dad’s money, I was seduced by my own history, my dad knew that I had his value system and morals. I do not know how much fight there is left in me but I WILL NOT stand by and let her take what belongs to my children when I die. FUCK HER AND THE HORSE SHE RODE IN ON, she will not walk away with $1.5 million of my dads hard earned money, NO FUCKING WAY.

My husband had pissed away every dime we had which burns my ass to this day. It was not his fucking money, the majority of it had been mine that I worked double shifts in the steel mill to earn. I scrimped and saved while he spent continuously on shit and cheap shit at that, my house is filled with dollar store trash that I am throughing out as quickly as I can but do not want the garbage men to avoid my house for all the shit.

When I became a mother life seized to be about me, it became about the kids and their futures and I did what was never done for myself. I put money away for their education as that was my responsiblity. I had to ensure they got a good education that would allow them to take care of themselves but he pissed it away, every last fucking dime. So, here I am fighting for what is mine which is essentially my children’s.

Money once again has taken control of a person’s mind and the greed is quite obvious. I should have been a damn attorney for all the legal shit I am dealing with and of course I could walk away but that had been a problem of mine for to many years and years of therapy taught me it was alright to stand up for what was mine. I have no short term memory left, two temporary ischemic attacks saw to that but the long term, yes the long term memory remembers it all, all the way back to the age of two.

I have been trying to give my mother the benefit of the doubt, at least in my mind but I just can’t seem to do it, no I just can’t. I sat back today and counted the number of times she told me she loved me or hugged me. The number is a huge 0 and I have accepted the fact long ago that I wasn’t a “love child” just another inconvenience, I have chosen to take all this shit and let it spew from my brain because it is toxic, just as she. I have to let this shit go but to let it go it must come out first and it is, no it is not pretty but it is so refreshing to write it down as when I am done I will put on my fire proof gloves and burn it and all the anger it possesses.

I am not telling a story just letting the words flow through and out of me and yes,  I can feel a tiny piece of weight off my shoulders as the paragraphs flow. I am a work in progress and I know in several weeks I will start to become a new woman but for now I have no choice but to release what I have caught along the way and have no regrets. This shit weighs me down, keeps me from growing, experiencing happiness and finding love and that is why I am not marriage material. I cannot be fixed as I am the repairman that must make the repairs and no amount of love can change that fact, I have no desire to be involved with anyone at this point because I cannot see investing into a business when one partner is not healthy-I am that partner.

I am unable to love myself at this time but that will change because I chose it to be so and will not wallow in self pity but deal with the blackness the only way I know how, through words on paper. The words I write release my  inner rage along with all the dysfunctional shit that exists. I want so much for others, I want people to be the best they can be-not for me but for themselves and I do pray for health and happiness for the world as a whole but I never pray for wealth. Wealth is a heavy burden to carry even though it gives happiness in materialistic ways, you have to concern yourself with true friendships, honest business associates and accountants. Why in the hell would I want that for someone else? I am a poor woman financially but very rich in spirit and that I thank God for, I never want to carry the burden of wealth even though I am a financial embarrassment.

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