As We Fall

God doesn’t bring pain into our lives he brings changes that may be painful but change our world for the better.  I’ve worked my ass of for sixteen to eighteen hours a day and it seems like I get little done but I am accomplishing quite a bit. I am so damn tired but I have to keep pushing on until I make the changes that are necessary for my life to move forward. I have been throwing out more crap than I have garbage cans or bags for and I keep coming across pictures of my husband when he had both legs.

I’m trying to place my shepherds as they are just too much for me to handle any longer, they are great dogs but they are big and knock me over very easily. My little guys keep me going and they make me laugh and I sure need that as I feel like I’m living in a war zone. I’m escaping tomorrow morning to Jackson where I will have to work my ass of some more and I’m having a hard time keeping my shorts on because the weight is falling of like crazy, I tried on a bra and damn none of the fit, they are all to big as are my lace panties.

My sister and I had a discussion that cleared the air and I never expected that to happen, we talked of our childhood and good memories as well as very very bad ones. We were auctioned off in the court system as far as child support, they went back and forth from thirty dollars a week per kid until they finally agreed on twenty-three fifty a kid. My mother hated my brother because he looked exactly like my dad and she would do things that were inhuman. He once pooped his pants when he was five and she tried to force feed him his own feces. She loved to beat us and lock us in the basement while she fucked married men trying to catch a husband to support her.

We were lucky enough for several years to live with my grandparents on the farm and those are the only happy memories I have of my childhood. I look back at the events and wonder how in the hell she was able to treat us like she did and I ended up in jail for slapping my son. I have forgiven my sister because I do love her and there was some misunderstanding but trust her, never will happen as she has shown a side of herself that I do not like one bit.

It will be nice to get away from the house for several days and I know that I will be alone with the dogs and that is fine with me as I need some peace and quiet and I need to become one with nature again. My daughter had an accident with my car and the insurance is so expensive I didn’t bother to get it fixed and I can’t get the damn trunk open so I have to pull down the seats and try to get things in there to travel to Jackson.  I really love swimming and laying in the sun and go back to the rv, take a shower and make dinner and I can be naked and no one can see me, it feels great to take a shower and just lie down for a while naked.

I will have a few visitors stop by to say hi as we usually do at the beginning of the season but I wont be cruising in my golf cart until Saturday as I have to get a tire repaired. My system is totally wacked and I can’t keep food down and still shitting like a goose, nerves does that to me and I’m walking around squeezing my ass cheeks together so I don’t explode in my pants and I think it’s time to get some emodium to help with this annoying problem.

I so enjoy taking a shower and smoking a joint and relaxing and I’m really looking forward to these next couple of days as next week is another week of running and getting things done. It’s hard for me to focus and get the things done efficiently as Shelby in foster care and Ry is in the hospital as he pulled the suicide card again when he found out they were going to put him in a facility in Detroit. I think he likes is ass to stay virgin and prefers the hospital and working on himself. His attitude as completely changed and he wants to come home but that isn’t going to happen for a while as he really needs to learn that I’m not a doormat or his maid. Shelby may come home on the fourth of June and I pray that she does because this is really upsetting her and messing her up in school.

I do believe this is best for my family at this time because all of are reexaming our lives and how much we love and appreciate each other. It has been a huge wakeup call for all of us and selling everything and moving on is important for us. I see my husband everywhere in the house and it doesn’t matter if it’s a wall, a nascar, a tv or even our bed and it is so upsetting to me that it is for the best just to get rid of everything and start fresh.

I have had friends ask me how I could sell my home and all the furnishings as it is so beautiful, beautiful to their eye but that do not experience the painful memories that we do. None of this “stuff” means a damn thing to me, not a single thing in this house do I want but my clothes and they aren’t even fitting anymore.  I know everything will be fine because my angel comes to me in my sleep and tells me so and yes I do believe him. He has told me my home will sell by the end of summer and things will be so much better for my family and I believe him as he is wise and watches over me and he is there for me in my hour of need. If he weren’t I would not be able to survive all these changes that are coming at me lighting speed.

The solar eclipse has a lot to do with the changes as well as it brings closure to situations that are know productive in our lives, doors close and new ones open and that is exactly what is happening in my life. I never thought I would sell the house, nope not in a million years but look, here I am selling everything and not blinking an eyelash. I haven’t a clue where I am headed but I do know it has to be a much better place than where I am at now.

I am not waiting for my knight in shining armor as that is a foolish person that gets lost in a fantasy and I am not a foolish person any longer. Of course I do wish he would come to me but hey, got to accept he is married and we will not be together until he finds that his heart is sad and empty and he no longer wishes to live the life that he is. He does things that annoy me and he has done everything possible to keep me from meeting anyone. He is one of those guys that doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anyone else to have me and I wish he was more secure with himself and believe in my love for him but he does not and I cannot make him. If he doesn’t believe and trust in my love by now he never will and I cannot do a thing about it but he makes me crazy with his games and spying on me as it makes me feel like a child and I am not a child I assure you.

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