The Pain Burrows

I ran my hand over his cheek and down his neck only to find a chest of skin and bones. The clothing hid the tell tale signs of imminent death along with the odor that death carry’s with it.

The sadness washed over my face and down my body and as he laid there with his eyes closed my body started slowly with the tears. Making their way down my cheeks my tears turned into uncontrollable crying.

My body was racked with the pain of loss which would come within hours. He no longer felt pain as I had given him the morphine required to steal away his physical pain.

He had talked to me earlier but few words were spoken. The pain in his eyes said volumes as we shared our last physical moments together. He and I had a life together, children together, built a house together and shared good as well as bad times.

The memories came and went at their own free will and I was at a loss to stop the invasion. Yes, the memories were invading me when I least expected it or wanted it.

I hated the memories as they brought not just the death of my husband but the death of my grandmother as well. Both were in great pain shortly before they passed and I was there to help them cross over.

Until you walk in the shoes of someone that has been a caretaker for someone taken over by cancer you have no idea how much the days tear at our hearts.

You have no idea how hard it is to watch a loved one slip away, slowly and methodically. You can never wash away our pain and emptiness and you can never even imagine how the pain burrows into our hearts.

The Year Of Nots

She woke up Christmas morning and blinked twice as she listened to her dogs wanting to go out. She turned over in bed and thought to herself “another day another empty holiday.” This was the year of nots, not a happy valentines day, not a happy easter, not a happy birthday, not a happy Thanksgiving and definitely not a Merry Christmas.

They just had no desire to decorate or even put up a tree and she had bought her daughter a new television the month before. Her son wanted for nothing but a few shirts with league of legends characters. 

She got out of bed and let the boys out and she thought to herself that this was not the way a holiday should be. The kids had gotten her nothing and there were no presents under the tree because there had been no tree this year.

She got dressed and took the boys for their morning walk which was just short of four miles. She then gave her son the package with the shirts she had ordered for him and gave her daughter a planner that she had wanted.

She sat on the couch feeling nothing, absolutely nothing-no sadness, no anger, nothing – not a single emotion. She then got up and put the turkey breast in the oven and a while later she put the potatoes in the oven.

The triple berry pie had been made the night before and she had also made a chocolate cake. The turkey was finally done and she removed it from the oven and let it rest while the dinner rolls baked to a beautiful golden color.

She texted her on which was the standard form of communication between them as he was totally addicted to league of legends. He played the game from morning until night and only came out of his room to use the bathroom or to eat.

They each had a place to sit to eat dinner, her son went to his bedroom as usual, she sat on one couch and her daughter sat on the other. The family co-existed under one roof but the family dynamic had changed long ago.

Her daughter’s boyfriend came and picked her up and she sat on the couch by herself for hours, which was common for her. Her son came downstairs to get a piece of pie and they chatted about the day she had found out about her husband didn’t death.

They didn’t cry and her son had such a vivid memory of what had taken place that day. She on the other hand had forgotten so much and it was no doubt do to the shock of everything she had learned.

Mother and son chatted and walked down memory lane until the son was ready to return to his online game. Mother was left wanting to forget the conversation and to move on. She wanted to open herself up to the new man that was so very interested in her.

They had the same ideals and felt the same way about so many things  but she was afraid to let him get close to her. She was so afraid of getting hurt and even more afraid that the man she had waited for, for so long would finally  come knocking on her door and she would end up hurting the new man.

She hated hurting anyone and she hated hurting herself and all she wanted was to get through the holidays and finally find some peace of mind, some happiness. She was in need of love and a friend and she was finally going to allow someone to be a friend at least.

Multi-Dating

How do you feel about dating more than one person at a time? Or living with someone and you are the new flavor and she has become nothing but “filler” in his life? There are people that must have someone in their life at all times and others like myself that doesn’t need that space constantly filled.

Some people need to have feelings stronger for someone else before they can make the move they know they should have made a long time ago. The relationship is comfortable and she has been there for him and they like each other as people.

He just doesn’t feel the spark and fireworks he wants to feel, he feels it when he is talking with the other one and of course she is none the wiser. They meet, click, really click and then he has some tough work to do and his life becomes hell for a while.

He is willing to do what he must to finally have what he has wanted for so long and she is finally here with him by his side and he is feeling everything ten fold now. He makes his presence known to her online by the fb pokes and the subtle posts.

I think you should make your move first and then do your searching because to many emotions get involved and people get hurt. I hope that isn’t the case here but one never knows now does one? Wouldn’t it be scary for me to open the room door to a midget, bald and talks like a munchkin? lol