Just For Me?

He stays away and makes money but has no time to spend that money, or does he? He says he wants to be with me, ya like I believe that line of crap. He has followed me online for years and lied all the way, he knows I know who he is yet he still hides like a little boy. I have become his “friend”. 

He reads everything I post because it appears that I am the only “real” person in his life. He sits back and laughs, feels sorry for me and I piss him off. I enjoy pissing him off because he deserves it for all that he has done. He thinks I wait for him, ya just like I’m waiting for a serious case of diarrhea while shopping.

It must be nice to sit back and read about my life and say you want to marry me, like that will NEVER happen. I do not envy him nor do I wish to live his lifestyle. Many would love to be wealthy and famous as he is but I find that to be useless and shallow. He is neither but sometimes people need a swift kick in the behind.

I have my faults but I have some damn good virtues and he doesn’t have a place in my life and he is slipping out of my heart as well. He has watched me suffer yet offers not one word of support. I get more support out of an over bleached bra then I do him and just like that bra, he is being trashed.

You can give for only so long and when you get nothing in return it’s time to pack it and ship it, to let’s say fucking Chile. So go your own way and forget me as I am forgetting you. You are a scammer and always will be, how sickening is that? You stole from me and my children you fuck.

B.S. Blogger

You can always tell when you are dealing with a b.s. blogger, someone who posts nothing but lies and act like they are british and live right here in Texas. Some bloggers are just full of crap and write for some twisted reason. Frankly, I don’t care about your ugly ass kitchen you just redid.

I do not care about your fake relationships and if they are real the two of you are a perfect match. I cannot stand reading blogs from fake people with fake stories and I think they are a bit touched to begin with. If you are a b.s. blogger get a fucking life and take your b.s. posts and cram them.

23 Words

I have counted them and twenty three words describe the feeling of betrayal all over again. I knew better than to believe he would meet me and he loves setting me up and watching me fall. He has really hurt me but that comes as no surprise.

I have no doubt I will hear from Joe again, ya he’s another joker a real winner and liar. I am through this time did it for me. I will not be treated in this manner and I have to much self respect to play childish games and it’s just not worth it.

I do not know who he is nor do I give a flying fuck as he seems to be quite taken with himself. What else is there to say? Twenty three words describe how I feel and that is all, just twenty three words. I hope he has enjoyed the game.

One More Step

Some people get hurt by another and they say they will never let anyone hurt them again like that. That’s the biggest lie we tell ourselves because as humans we require a certain amount of love and affection but when you get hurt you are to afraid to take one more step.

I used to know somebody that hated themselves and  has been gifted with a talent that was used to help many people with. I think I have a bit of understanding why this person denies himself the happiness he wants so badly. I think he has no clue about illness but I do and I have noticed his actions to be one of an ill person.

I am not trying to be mean, no not at all in fact I’m trying to save a life here. He knows what he wants but he allows himself to deny himself of that love. He worries about the erratic behavior and out bursts and is afraid for me to see that side of him so he pushes me away.

He doesn’t realize my mother and my brother is and was mentally ill, my brother had paranoid schizophrenia and I have also dealt with people in life that are ill. He thinks if he keeps hurting me I will go away. Nope that isn’t going to happen because I am not going to reward him for his poor behavior and self image at this time.

No, I am not going away so forget that right now and I do know one thing, when you care for someone you are there for them no matter what the situation. I am always going to be here as his friend and yes I do believe he has an incurable mental illness.

He can continue to be narccistic and deny himself of love and someone who understands where he is at in his own mind. I understand only to well and I am here to tell about it, I hated myself so much that looking in the mirror never happened.

I felt such a heavy emptiness and profound sadness that I walked through the days like a zombie. I couldn’t get myself to do a damn thing. I lost all desire for anything or anybody and I locked myself away from the world so I could lick my wounds.

Well, the most shocking event occurred, I had a break through my mental illness and I have found a way to help myself in moments of stress and anger build up. I have learned not to blow up at people as that only makes the situation worse. I still have my blow-ups but quite infrequently these days, I know about the cold, rainy fall days when one is alone.

Hate yourself all you want, in fact I encourage you to hate yourself as much as you can. Now turn that emotion around and love yourself as much. Couldn’t do huh? Need a little help in that area? You need a good friend not a lover, you have a great friend right here but you are to afraid to reach out for fear of more pain. 

I totally understand those feelings because I lived through them myself. I think it has been best that I had no one in my life because I have been able to focus on my own mental health and become so much better. I reuse to let my illness every run my life again.

The saddest thing in the world is he cannot deny himself of her, he is obsessed with her and follows her everywhere she goes online. He does little things to keep tabs on her even though he is no where near her. He cannot let her go and that is making him feel crazy as well.

I have no plans of sitting down and waiting for him to build up enough character to meet me, hell no girlfriend is not a waiting for no man. God knows what she needs and will care for her and when the time is right, he will come into her life.

He may be waiting at a deli for a lunch, he could be the gas station attendant, hell he could be even you, yes you just have to be willing to take one more step in my direction and then quicken your pace because you were going to run in my direction until you started thinking to much.

I expected you to pull out as the date got closer and I knew you were going to be a no show as that has been a given with you. You are scared out of your wits to meet me and you know that is true. I do not have powers to put a spell on you, I assure you.

If you do not take this opportunity to enrich your life, you may have just given up one of the best things that could have happened to you. I promise you I will not wait but will be here if you need me and I am not mad and I am not crying.

I am working filling that space in my heart that needs love now, yes right this second and I plan on getting it filled. You are going to be really pissed at yourself that you didn’t take advantage of meeting me, go one bury your head in work, like that is going to help you?

It’s Fine

Hey today’s been another great day and Ryan and I adopted a kitten from the dog pound and I adopted two yorkie puppies, two females. Ya I know, I’m just such a fantastically wonderful person, blah, blah, blah save the shit. 

I do what I do because I believe and that’s all there is to it, it was a great day because I no longer let “him” hurt me, no he no longer touches my heart, which is a good thing because that’s the first step in getting someone out of your heart and head.

He is going to be a wanderer his entire life as he is always going to wonder what it is like to be with me, he knows what he wants but he is to afraid to go for it yet he hangs on to every word I type, every site I am on and he just won’t let go but won’t move forward.

Well, I can’t wait any longer and like I said he no longer can hurt me as he does exactly as I expected of him which means he never lets me down because I took back the power and refuse to lift anything to let me down from.

I do not think he does the things he does because he is malicious no I think he has an illness that is so disruptive he cannot do anything about it either. Yes I am totally convinced he has a mental illness and he has got to learn that I am no longer waiting.

I’m jammin’ like I do every day and no I have shed not one tear as he is the one that should be crying. I’m just blowin’ a doob, jammin’ and have adopted an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude because I really do not. You can only let people upset you when you give them mental space.

You know people aren’t born assholes they just turn into one through life’s experiences, I am not sure if he is an asshole or has a mental illness. One thing I can accept is mental illness as least that’s a legitimate excuse but when you’re an asshole, well you’re just another asshole.

I’m not his shrink but have enough of my own problems to see that his problems are much worse than mine could ever be. That’s why I don’t get upset because I know he isn’t very stable and hides behind aliases and he hates himself.

How can I not feel sorry for him? Hell, I opened up to him and he is the one that has needed to open and start feeling good about himself. You know, when you hate yourself there is no darker days to try to survive through and it’s hard to make it to the next day.

You can never make anyone do what they do not want and the ones that want to and can’t well can’t help them. I just smile and look out the window and keep my little secret to myself and remember him fondly as a fool I once knew.

You know sometimes, people become a way of life and that is where you like to keep them, liking failing relationships. Some people just stay because they feel responsible, guilty or whatever but I have realized how easy it is to replacing him.

He’s been nothing but a “filler” in my life and that is all he has served no real purpose other than to scam me and he even tried to again. You see I pity him not love him and hopefully he becomes a real man one day for his sake.

The Ruler

It could have been any day of the week and it was just another Sunday, but what a lovely Sunday it was. The weather was perfect, it was “hold my hand” weather, it was a lazy day even the wind was warm and moving very little.

The kids and I spent the day together and went out to dinner, it was nice just us, yes I enjoyed myself very much. I had fallen in the fog of my own mind until my daughter brought me back to reality by actually shaking my arm to get my attention.

I was thinking of him, thinking what it is going to be like to meet for the first time, will he even show? I would hope he would and I can feel how care free we are going to be once we get over that initial uneasiness. I hope he likes being silly and I hope he isn’t one of those who thinks being silly is stupid.

I just realized it is fall already and we all know what that means, cuddling by the fire drinking cocoa and just relaxing. I think this is happening at the perfect time in my life and I really do hope he is the one that I have waited for.

I do not even know this man but I feel as if I am going to marry him and I know that sounds crazy but it is true. I’m in no hurry to get married and I screw around on my facebook and joke with the guys and ask them if they want to marry me, damn I’m only kidding guys.

I have felt his arms around me

In another time and place

Some how we have been brought together again

Maybe to finish what was never brought to an 

End

These souls are heaven bound

They are meant to be one

Together

Forever

He thinks she is crazy

And that is alright

Because he can’t get 

Rid of me

No matter how he tries

I am etched in his brain

And his thoughts

I am the ruler

That hides behind

His eyes

I am the whisper

that makes him so 

Mad

He’s not used to

Being treated like

A young lad

This woman is so

Fascinating

And she is so 

Damn intriguing

That I cannot turn 

Away

I cannot get her 

Out of my 

Mind

She controls me

She moves me

She makes me a 

better man

Stuck Like Glue

Ok fine, what the fuck ever I will admit you have me mildly curious, at best of course. Let’s get one thing straight from the beginning. I do not want any photos printed or sold, given ect and I really would appreciate it if we do hit it off that you do not talk to anyone about it as I really do not want to be on tv or in the rags.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s begin with something simple like do you like to play cards or checkers? Ya I know the mundane shit but ya gotta know it if you want to know the person and I would like to know you and not label you as another fuck of mine, lol.

Gotta tell ya, you are one romantic motherf er and you are crazy and I love it, I really do as I love unusual, different, artistic, creative ect and you have touched on every one of them. You really need to let me know where we should stay and the cheapest price on renting a car.

I might be driving to New York City, I am not sure yet but there is a possibility if you’re interested, just saying but if I do not like you the offer is retractable with no financial responsibility. You see   being famous comes with a price so if you gonna rub your famous shit on me then you gonna wear it all over your face.

I don’t want to come off as a bitch I just want to have some understanding between us as adults. Trust me, I have enough years and experience to tell you that your body is going to fit well on mine, trust me.You are a fucking riot you know that? You really are and if we do click this will make the best damn book ever written.

Who’s Your Hero?

I was just thinking wouldn’t it be crazy if he is some famous person and I have never heard of him? How embarrassing for me but hey he has to wipe his own ass just like me so he is someone I have a connection with nothing more.

I do not play groupie whore very well, no that part goes to some of the other women he has been with. I’m your run of the mill 60’s housewife type and I make no excuses for how I choose to care for those in my life. Yes, I am old fashioned and will not apologize but I am also way ahead of my time in many other ways.

My kids think I’m a pretty damn good mom and they still have their complaints but I have mine as well. They want me to get involved with someone but they want me as well. We shall see what happens in a week and until then, no I will not be getting involved with anyone.

If he thinks I’m going to fall to my knees he better think again I do not care who he is, we put our pants on one leg at a time so we can start there. This has been a real crazy way to meet someone as he has been following me online for like three years now.

He has still hidden himself and maybe he will hide himself still when we are together, which I wouldn’t blame him if he is some famous person. Hell if it were me I would, get laid and if “it” wasn’t there maybe hang around awhile longer and see what I thought.

I have no clue as to what he even looks like, lol yes this is wild but I am cracking up because anyone who would go to the length he has gone to well, it’s just so bizarre to me but I like it, I like it a lot it’s like a love letter but deeper, more thought, manipulation, planning and delegating.

He has me following his lead like a puppy and that is exactly what he wants which is fine for the time being as I will turn the table very quickly, do not underestimate the ability I have as a woman, as a person as a definitive being that knows what she wants.

Forbidden Thoughts

I am a mother, a widow a loner a quiet soul that seeks to feel the sensation of lust between two people. Because I am in my fifties is no excuse not to go after what I have wanted for such a very long time. To have my skin touched gently, the feel of butterfly wings.

If I could feel his arms around me burying his face in my hair and neck as he makes me feel safe, the touch of his hand leading mine. The softness of his lips, I move my fingers across his face as if I were blind, I want to know this man, even without seeing him.

We move slowly but in unison and we have known each other for years but only now, now we meet now we find out what we really feel for each other. I am very nervous but so ready just to relax I haven’t really let him control to much of my thoughts.

Now that I have finally moved my mac into the study, I won’t be online as much and that is important to the kids, which is fine with me. They are going back to school on Tuesday and I will have the entire day to take care of my internet addiction.

I’ve asked him to find a motel with a kitchenette and a car as I just am to damn busy lately to even know where to begin to find a place. I’m flying into Albany and anywhere from there is fine so if you have any ideas let me know.

A perfect week to do absolutely nothing, no answering calls, doctor appts, counseling appts., car repairs and the list goes on and on. I plan to be naked and relaxed from the second I walk into that room. I will have to  take off that nasty quilt they have on top of the beds, so nasty!

Clean sheets I can work with but not the top cover, things have happened on that blanket and I do not need any visuals to make me sick. Chill for a while, relax and when he shows up, we will go get some food, alcohol and we are going to make dinner.

Who knows what could happen in the kitchen, who knows? The one thing about me is if I want to kiss him I won’t waste time waiting for him to make the move. If he doesn’t like it I’m sure he will tell me but I do not think he will have any complaints.

I know I shouldn’t confess to this but I am a very sensual and sexual woman, even though that grosses out my kids. I’m approaching this week without any expectations what so ever and we will see who this caped crusader really is.