The Greatest Love Of All

I know people that have been married over fifty years and I know widows that have never remarried, those were their “greatest love of all”. That kind of love is rare and when you have it you know it, it’s not the “puppy” type love as I refer to it as. Loving has degrees, levels and depths and most people never even scratch the service.

My adolescent “greatest love” was when I was in ninth grade, he was tall, long hair, “suck you in” eyes and a sweetheart. He was your typical Aquarius and odd but true we melted into each other. To this day I think of Tony and say a prayer for him as he was murdered at nineteen.

Now that I am in my early fifties, I have buried a husband that I loved but was never in love with and nor he with I, I ran, walked, stumbled, tripped and dove into my current “greatest love of all”, we have never met but the connection is there. It is living and breathing as you and I are and it grows each day as a beautiful flower in a field. I am a dreamer but this is no dream this is as God intended it to be.

The love I have for this man doesn’t even fall in the same category as love but I am without words to express the depth of it. When you want nothing but the best and happiness for someone even though they are with someone else and you don’t matter, that is beyond love.

I see his smile and hear his voice and the angels are singing and yes he is that special to the world and I of course hold him within my very veins as he flows threw me every second of every day. It’s an odd thing the emotion of love and it is all consuming when you have the greatest love of all. I will never remarry again as I consider myself married to this man through the eyes of God.

We came together in the oddest of circumstances and almost four years later we still are within an unseen reach. He may wish that I forget him but his wishes will never be answered because he is my greatest and that is it, that’s it and it’s non negotiable. Am I denying myself and also hurting myself?

No I am not because I am open to dating but there will never be anyone that can remove this man from my life, it’s impossible. When you experience your greatest love of all there is no turning back, turning away or denying it. It consumes your entirety and one accepts that as the feelings are cloned tenfold and knowing that even in my mind at times I feel like letting go, I just cannot.

My prayers are always with him and I will always want the best for him regardless of how he lacks feelings for me. It’s all good because the greatest love of all I am experiencing and that is more than I can say for most people.

Don’t Give

When you think you will never find someone that will love you and prove it don’t look any further than f.b., I took a chance of meeting someone and even went as far as flying to another state. He didn’t show up, which really wasn’t a surprise but did hurt none the less.

Well, as I sat in the airport I started checking my mail and got contacted by a new dating site, low and behold I did some surfing and what did you think happened? The hottest guy close to by age and I have struck up quite the conversation.

What’s really nice is he is willing to come visit me instead of the other way around and that says a lot. When someone will go the extra mile to meet you that should tell you a lot and it has. I think we need to chat a bit more before he comes to the states but at least he shows that much interest in me.

No, he hasn’t laid the I love you line on me for which I am glad but he is sexy with a big S and such a gentleman. It’s not so easy to find someone my age that I am attracted to but he definitely has caught my eye and  we chatted for hours today, which is a good sign.

I put so much into a one sided relationship and I have found that it isn’t worth it as I do not mean enough to him to meet me. That’s ok because I know my worth even if he doesn’t and I am not going to waste my time on someone who won’t invest time into me.

Well, I have found someone that is interested in me and would like to meet me and we will see how things go, of course don’t you know he’s an aquarius and we have hit it off fantastically and I do hope things continue to go in the right path.

I’m not looking to get married but a relationship would be what the doctored ordered for me and he seems to be so loving, kind, intelligent, handsome, awesome body, romantic he is the full b

3:15 p.m.

This time tomorrow I will be in Albany enjoying a beautiful day with my camera in a park with a packed lunch so I can have my own private picnic by the lake in the park. I’m sure I can find a park with a lake somewhere and the thought of having a picnic sitting my a tree and staring up at the sky.

You remember don’t you, how to enjoy a picnic with a blanket to lie on and your arms under your head as you look up at the clouds and see shapes of dogs or squirrels, lol. The warm breeze blowing so gently it makes you want to take a nap with someones arms around you.

I am a dreamer of life and I can see myself looking up at the clouds and enjoying the day with someone special, yes I can see it. Being a visionary is so nice and comforting but when I think of meeting someone and falling in love I must confess I am very afraid.

Why be afraid you ask, because I am the type that falls and falls hard and how can you have a relationship with someone you cannot be with all the time? Is it possible to have a long distance romance for the most part? Then there are the holidays and the children and how to deal with that. 

There has got to be a lot of trust and respect, give and take as well as giving in during any arguments, you cannot be right all the time, or can you? lol no you cannot and you have to be very open to each other’s responsibilities and lives.

If everything clicked between myself and someone else I would have no problem committing because I believe with technology we could be in contact daily and no it’s not as good as being together but I would just be thrilled to be involved at all, lol. 

I can see myself walking hand in hand with someone during sunset and watching the sun go down, it’s times like these that are times that make wonderful memories and they are so romantic. It’s the moments that do not cost a dime that make a relationship special.

Afraid Of The Night

I have finally ran into something that scares me more than the night, it’s love, yes I am afraid of love I have just discovered. Who is afraid of love you may ask, someone that has been hurt very badly and very deeply. I want love so bad but the fear, well the fear.

I don’t think I could ever believe that someone could possibly love me just for myself and nothing more. It seems the first time I was engaged of course what I had played a key role and then my husband well he married me for what I had as well. It’s as if I cannot be worth loving if I don’t have something that someone else can profit from, well I guess the next one is shit out of luck because I am scraping by every month. I don’t mind the way my life is of course it would be nice to be debt free again and I will in time.

I don’t need someone to help financially and emotionally well hell I’m just a mess in disguise, not really I am doing very well thank you. I’m so used to be alone and frankly it sucks if you want to know the truth but I realized today that I am scared to death of a relationship.

If I knew that he would be true to me and me alone I might take the plunge but I do not know if I could ever really trust anyone again. As much as I would like to I do not know if I have that in me or not. I want a committed relationship so bad but can he commit?

It would hurt me so bad to find out he cheated on me I don’t know if I could take it or not. I’m so true blue it’s not funny, when I’m committed I don’t even flirt anymore because I have that much respect for the person I am with. When I tell someone I love them I mean it and I don’t want them to feel insecure or hurt.

 The next relationship I have will be my last I guarantee it because we will be a perfect fit and I know it in my heart. I have so much love to give and so does he that is why we belong together and will eventually be together in time.

If he makes me fall deeply in love with him then he has got to keep me those are the rules baby.

I WANT LOVE IN MY LIFE AND I DESERVE IT

Have You Ever

Have you ever felt like you were surrounded by mystery and intrigue? Have you ever felt like someone was putting on a surprise party for you but there was no special occasion?

I have felt that way for the last couple of days, yes like there is a surprise party in the works but I know there is none. Why I feel like I am surrounded my intrigue is another thing I cannot explain.

It’s as if the joke is on me and someone has been pulling my strings all along. This is exactly why I am getting away. I am losing touch and my thinking is going way out in left field.

I guess it’s good to fantasize now and then but emotionally I prefer to keep control of those emotional moments. I could so easily fall apart and I have no plans of letting that happen.

My biggest fear is that I will fall seriously in love and then never see him again. That is the type of luck I have and it would destroy me if that happened. I hope I do meet someone and maybe just maybe we can work it out.

That’s one thing about me I am flexible and always willing to go the extra mile to make something work. I am not a controlling greedy person and I find it beneficial for two people to work out what works best for them.

I think this trip is going to be holding something quite unique for me. I feel like this is a turning point and I have no idea why, it’s some big mystery but one delightful mystery at that.

One More Step

Some people get hurt by another and they say they will never let anyone hurt them again like that. That’s the biggest lie we tell ourselves because as humans we require a certain amount of love and affection but when you get hurt you are to afraid to take one more step.

I used to know somebody that hated themselves and  has been gifted with a talent that was used to help many people with. I think I have a bit of understanding why this person denies himself the happiness he wants so badly. I think he has no clue about illness but I do and I have noticed his actions to be one of an ill person.

I am not trying to be mean, no not at all in fact I’m trying to save a life here. He knows what he wants but he allows himself to deny himself of that love. He worries about the erratic behavior and out bursts and is afraid for me to see that side of him so he pushes me away.

He doesn’t realize my mother and my brother is and was mentally ill, my brother had paranoid schizophrenia and I have also dealt with people in life that are ill. He thinks if he keeps hurting me I will go away. Nope that isn’t going to happen because I am not going to reward him for his poor behavior and self image at this time.

No, I am not going away so forget that right now and I do know one thing, when you care for someone you are there for them no matter what the situation. I am always going to be here as his friend and yes I do believe he has an incurable mental illness.

He can continue to be narccistic and deny himself of love and someone who understands where he is at in his own mind. I understand only to well and I am here to tell about it, I hated myself so much that looking in the mirror never happened.

I felt such a heavy emptiness and profound sadness that I walked through the days like a zombie. I couldn’t get myself to do a damn thing. I lost all desire for anything or anybody and I locked myself away from the world so I could lick my wounds.

Well, the most shocking event occurred, I had a break through my mental illness and I have found a way to help myself in moments of stress and anger build up. I have learned not to blow up at people as that only makes the situation worse. I still have my blow-ups but quite infrequently these days, I know about the cold, rainy fall days when one is alone.

Hate yourself all you want, in fact I encourage you to hate yourself as much as you can. Now turn that emotion around and love yourself as much. Couldn’t do huh? Need a little help in that area? You need a good friend not a lover, you have a great friend right here but you are to afraid to reach out for fear of more pain. 

I totally understand those feelings because I lived through them myself. I think it has been best that I had no one in my life because I have been able to focus on my own mental health and become so much better. I reuse to let my illness every run my life again.

The saddest thing in the world is he cannot deny himself of her, he is obsessed with her and follows her everywhere she goes online. He does little things to keep tabs on her even though he is no where near her. He cannot let her go and that is making him feel crazy as well.

I have no plans of sitting down and waiting for him to build up enough character to meet me, hell no girlfriend is not a waiting for no man. God knows what she needs and will care for her and when the time is right, he will come into her life.

He may be waiting at a deli for a lunch, he could be the gas station attendant, hell he could be even you, yes you just have to be willing to take one more step in my direction and then quicken your pace because you were going to run in my direction until you started thinking to much.

I expected you to pull out as the date got closer and I knew you were going to be a no show as that has been a given with you. You are scared out of your wits to meet me and you know that is true. I do not have powers to put a spell on you, I assure you.

If you do not take this opportunity to enrich your life, you may have just given up one of the best things that could have happened to you. I promise you I will not wait but will be here if you need me and I am not mad and I am not crying.

I am working filling that space in my heart that needs love now, yes right this second and I plan on getting it filled. You are going to be really pissed at yourself that you didn’t take advantage of meeting me, go one bury your head in work, like that is going to help you?