He Just Can’t Do It

I looked through the window looking at the streaming sunlight cutting through the rain drops as they headed for the ground. It’s not often you see it raining and shining at the same time. It’s quite beautiful and somewhat soothing.

I’m feeling really good about who I am and where I am at in my life and no one, not a single damn person can make me feel any different. The kids are back to school tomorrow and life moves forward as usual. My next quest is to set up a vacation for the kids and I in February.

I think of how it must feel to want something but you cannot let yourself go after it because you are so afraid. I have never felt like that but it must really suck more than a five dollar whore. I have the ability to move forward even during rough times and I have done just that.

It’s time to make the move to the next phase of my life and let my friends set me up. Yes, I hate the thought of that because I am so private, but who knows? I’m not looking to get married but if the possibility presents itself well then I have to take a good look at where I am at and where I want to be.

I know where I want to be and I am heading in that direction but I have time to make what ever adjustments need to be made to make the appropriate moves in the right direction. Like I said I wait for no one and have not as I have focused on myself and myself only.

Looking at serious retirement I am making plans for that move as well in a couple of years I will be out of here and the kids will have to come visit me. I’m ready for the world but is the world ready for me is the question I am not so sure about that.


The pressure pushing on my bladder forced me to get out of bed and go pee. I removed the blanket from my waist and ran naked to the bathroom. I up’d my mac and rolled a joint and smoked it. It was a  nice relaxing morning as I listen to my son’s deep breathing.

I have been getting crap done but man has it taken a lot out of me and Ryan has been doing so much without asking him, it’s weird he’s like a completely new kid since his diagnosis. And his mother is up to know good again, lol.

I’m pissed about my daughter giving away my babies so this time I’m getting tea cup yorkies and people want to get rid of them so bad that are giving them away. So, yes I am going to snag two puppies male and female from two different mothers and eventually have my own babies again.

I adore taking care of baby animals and I am going to get a kitten and I don’t want to hear a word about it. Ryan wants to get another puppy but he doesn’t want a small dog, well to bad I can no longer handle large dogs as they yank me around to much.

I have to go back to the rv one last time and I had to order a 1 1/2″ socket to change the heating element in the water heater. I haven’t had hot water but one time this season because the element when bad and I had to order a new one and had to order the damn socket.

Just another boring ass day for me and my worker is coming today and I think she’s going to be surprised by the shape the house is in. We have really been cleaning up crap around here. I have tried to get motivated to tackle the basement, and I almost one but, the big L took over, lazy. But today will be different as I have got to rent it out, the loan payment alone is 1/5 of my earnings and between car insurance and car payment there’s another 1/5.

It’s ok things will be fine and I know it and have no doubt what so ever. I bought the winning power  ball ticket last night so I’m worry free, lol. Money, money is what everyone wants but they want a real person when they are dieing.

Time to hit this joint again, really helps with the back!


I have been given homework from my counselor, she has requested that Shelby and I  write about how we would like it when she finally comes home. The state took my kids away because I was a mess, emotionally I was a mess.

It really hit me hard on my 18th wedding anniversary and things got worse and worse. Shelby was home for one day and I got thrown in jail, Ryan was still in the hospital. The state took Shelby and placed her in a foster care home, that didn’t work out one  bit.

Shelby got a taste of real life, yes the way the world is even though it is scraggly and abstract. I have legal documents from the probate court but the cops think I do not know my rights. Have to wait for the transcript and then we can go to court and get this b.s. over with.

How would I like it to be when Shelby comes home? I would like her to open up to me and spend more time with. I do not want to argue over Leo, I have told Shelby that he is not allowed in the house but he can pick her up if so chooses.

I would like to joke and kid around with the kids more just because it’s fun and that’s it. Why should I act like I’m going to die? No way, I am to mean to die and the devil isn’t ready for someone like me I just love th laugh and smile, I have done way to much frowning.

Marijuana Mayhem

I’m throwing it out there right now that I find nothing wrong with using marijuana for medical purposes. My understanding is that most people will want access to it or it wouldn’t have come up for a vote and the marijuana users could purchase from “dispensaries” but now they are trying to change the law.

The politicians are like the “right to lifer’s” as I refer to them and yes I  support a woman’s right to do as she sees fit without badgering. I have read about the side effects of some of the medications I must take as well as my son and I actually would prefer to smoke pot then pay to kill myself sooner.

My son wants me to help him get a “card” which is proof that you are state approved to carry marijuana. Politicians, hell they always fuck up a simple project and to draw attention to themselves. It’s quite sickening and that is life but hey let’s go get drunk and laid and talk about silly shit, Ok?