Who Is He?

He is a very, compassionate young man of 17, he has no parents and lives with a step father and his wife. He is a great kid and has come to be a very good friend to me. He helps me with anything I need and he listens to me, he is not a young man of 17 intellectually and his compassion is incomparable.

He sat he with me the last few nights and hugged me while I broke down, it wasn’t sexual or sensual-it was one person comforting another-he made me something to eat, has cleaned up for me and ran errands. We are not lovers, not even close-in more like I have another son.

I do not know what I would have done without James, honestly I believe he has saved my life in many ways. I am helping him as much as I can and he is helping me tenfold. So if you think we have a sexual relationship-turn around and do not even go there and even though I am dealing with a bad situation, I try to focus on something else for a while and I write.

You fool, I will write of you, us, my fantasies and that isn’t going to change, so get a fucking grip, quit trying to make me jealous and hurt me because it isn’t going to work. I wish you all the happiness in the world what more could you possibly ask for? You are the master of your mind and if you let it wonder, it will take you into places you shouldn’t even go.

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The Greatest Love Of All

I know people that have been married over fifty years and I know widows that have never remarried, those were their “greatest love of all”. That kind of love is rare and when you have it you know it, it’s not the “puppy” type love as I refer to it as. Loving has degrees, levels and depths and most people never even scratch the service.

My adolescent “greatest love” was when I was in ninth grade, he was tall, long hair, “suck you in” eyes and a sweetheart. He was your typical Aquarius and odd but true we melted into each other. To this day I think of Tony and say a prayer for him as he was murdered at nineteen.

Now that I am in my early fifties, I have buried a husband that I loved but was never in love with and nor he with I, I ran, walked, stumbled, tripped and dove into my current “greatest love of all”, we have never met but the connection is there. It is living and breathing as you and I are and it grows each day as a beautiful flower in a field. I am a dreamer but this is no dream this is as God intended it to be.

The love I have for this man doesn’t even fall in the same category as love but I am without words to express the depth of it. When you want nothing but the best and happiness for someone even though they are with someone else and you don’t matter, that is beyond love.

I see his smile and hear his voice and the angels are singing and yes he is that special to the world and I of course hold him within my very veins as he flows threw me every second of every day. It’s an odd thing the emotion of love and it is all consuming when you have the greatest love of all. I will never remarry again as I consider myself married to this man through the eyes of God.

We came together in the oddest of circumstances and almost four years later we still are within an unseen reach. He may wish that I forget him but his wishes will never be answered because he is my greatest and that is it, that’s it and it’s non negotiable. Am I denying myself and also hurting myself?

No I am not because I am open to dating but there will never be anyone that can remove this man from my life, it’s impossible. When you experience your greatest love of all there is no turning back, turning away or denying it. It consumes your entirety and one accepts that as the feelings are cloned tenfold and knowing that even in my mind at times I feel like letting go, I just cannot.

My prayers are always with him and I will always want the best for him regardless of how he lacks feelings for me. It’s all good because the greatest love of all I am experiencing and that is more than I can say for most people.

Night Falls

For myself, when night falls is when I get the loneliest and wish I had someone to share the evenings with, it’s as if night fall is made specifically for people to mingle and be together. It’s not a lot of fun watching a movie and having no one to discuss it with.

I go to bed and try to fall asleep as quickly as I can because the nights are sad for me and I chose to escape into my dream state. I am a “cold spot” person when it comes to being in bed, my legs are always searching out the cold spots on the bed because they feel good, lol.

I think a lot when I can’t sleep, I think of the past, the present and the future and I wonder where I will be in five years. My kids will be in college and it will be just me and maybe Khloe our kitten if Ryan doesn’t take her or Shelby. 

I feel like I will not know what my purpose in life is when the kids are gone because that is all I have known for almost twenty years. I seriously do not think I will ever remarry again and I have been alone for so long that I am very independent and don’t play well with others.

I do not like anyone to tell me what to do or not do and I refuse to bend to other’s will as that is not what living is to me. You should never have to change a thing about yourself to be with someone and neither should they and you shouldn’t have to kiss ass to keep peace.

Those that have tried to tell me what to do got a better response from pissing in the wind because we are individuals for a reason and that is not to conform. Relationships turn ugly when you have to dance to someone elses tune and if you have to buy them presents all time, well take a look at what you are doing, you are buying love.

The love I have isn’t for sale and neither is my body even though there is no doubt I could be a millionairess by now, lmao. I’m just an extremely intelligent woman that frightens most men, men do not generally care for intelligent women because they want a piece of the beefcake and the mind is totally irrelevant to them.

I’m a unique type of woman in today’s world because I believe in taking care of my family and my man and yes I still cook from scratch, eat out rarely and enjoy spending time with my kids. I believe a relationship should grow and become rich through sharing lifes trials and tribulations.

But then night fall comes and I am alone again wondering if I will ever be with my soulmate and find real joy and happiness. I wonder if there is someone out there that has arms big enough to hold me when I cry and hug just because.

 

Perfect

It is a perfect time for my mystery man to meet me, yes it is indeed! Venus is in Cancer and Mars is in Scorpio, this equals a perfect time for two people to meet. There comes a time when you either have to dump or get off the pot so bucko, get off the pot.

I am a very desirable woman that is filled with love and you know it so if you keep waiting for the train, you are going to be waiting for it alone. I know you are getting a break for the holidays so be a bigger man than I am woman and come meet me.

I will be in Jackson of course and you just bring your sweet little tushie to me and let’s have a grown up talk, I know that is asking a lot to actually face me and communicate but it’s a new concept you might want to try out just for shits and giggles.

I know, I have actually said the boo word and scared your 45 year old butt into submission, now haven’t I? Come on I see you smiling because you know I am talking to you, ya you so get rid of that dumb look on your face and get your finger out of your rectum.

It doesn’t get any better than me, lmao now you know that I am the hottest, prettiest, sexiest, intelligent female you have ever  seen. You cannot keep your mind off me or off my pictures can you? See, I know what your dirty little mind is thinking, o yes I know only to well.

How would I know what is on your mind? Hon would you even dare to ask such a foolish question? Well, truth be known I am thinking the same thoughts you are, o yes I am. Come on impress me, please impress me will you? Come and visit me, now that would be so impressive.

I Just

I have come to accept that I just do not fit the bill someone has and yes he considers me a friend but nothing more and I have no choice but to accept that. We love each other but I tend to be the one that has been making all the effort.

When you are the one reaching out all the time and the other person doesn’t, there is no sense in meeting your head against a wall because nothing is going to change their feelings but themselves. I do not want anyone to change a thing for me so I accept it’s a one sided relationship.

Unfortunately we have reached the end of our road together and no we cannot be friends at this time because there isn’t enough respect in the relationship. I do not wish him ill, no I do hope he finds what makes him happy because I am not one to want harm and sadness for anyone.

I have no doubt he is in a relationship that will get better now that I have exited the picture because I feel I am to much of a distraction for him to concentrate on his current relationship. You have to be big enough to bow out when you may because others indecisiveness.

Taking myself out of the equation should bring him much happiness with his current relationship because he can focus on the current girl at hand. He doesn’t seem to be able to find his total happiness in one woman, which is a shame.

He has so much going for him and he is a good man and for all you ladies out there interested in a hell of a guy, let me know and I will pass it on to him. Just because things didn’t work out for me doesn’t mean it won’t for you.

It doesn’t change my situation to be mean and hateful and say negative things about him or anyone for that matter and as long as I keep positive and upbeat I am doing myself good as well as others. People that choose to say terrible things about someone they were involved with need to mature.

Count

Let me count the ways that I love you,

I love the way you try to hide yourself from me under a thousand aliases,

I love the conversations we have as if we are merely friends on fb,

I love the way you make me laugh when I catch you on my computer.

I love the way you have taken such effort to follow me until the time has been right for both of us,

I love when you are silly and when you are serious,

I love that you take the time to chat with me every day,

I love the way you don’t get mad when I am tired and need a nap,

I love you being so caring

I even love when you get mad at me, lol

I wont tell you I love everything about you

Because frankly I don’t 

But I do love the person you are 

And always will

 

 

Beautiful Day

It’s such a beautiful day, it’s one of those days that the breeze is warm and it’s not to hot out, one of those days that you want to whirl in a circle outside with your head tilted back and feeling wonderful.

It’s the kind of day you can hug yourself and smile because you’re thinking of someone special and how good it will feel wh their arms are around you. It’s the kind of day you wear jeans and cowboy boots and kick at the dirt as you are thinking of that special person.

I do so hope this trip is fun and exciting as I need fun and excitement for a change and I am so wanting to feel his arms around me. Hopefully, I no longer will have to dream of his warm body next to mine, but finally feel it. I believe what I feel is real and I believe we belong together but only time will tell.

I bet Albany is just beautiful this time of year because Michigan sure is and the weather, well this is just perfect weather and I wish I were fishing right about now. It’s just such a beautiful day and I am so relaxed and that is how I plan to be my entire vacation.

I already know Shelby will be calling me telling me that Ryan isn’t picking up, typical kid stuff that will stop when she is in college so I hope. It won’t be long before they are both gone so a phone call or two is welcome at this point in my life.

A perfect day tomorrow would be taking off on time, getting my luggage and making it to the hotel, Mr. Joe shows up and is waiting in the lobby for me, we have a light lunch and go to my room and drop off my luggage and go for a walk and just talk.

Then go back to my room and talk some more until I no longer can keep my hands off of him and I make the first move. If I do that, that will be something because I’m shy, really I am very shy but I think my body has a mind of it’s own these days and will attack him like a tigress, lol.

Feel My

He feels my pain

And he feels my love

He feels my loneliness

He feels my happiness

He feels everything I 

Feel 

He is everything I

Feel

I want his arms around

Me

To make me feel

Safe

I want to feel his heart 

Beat

I pray it beats for

Me

And only me

My thoughts are of

Him

And him alone

My heart is open to 

Him

I hope we find a

Love

That we both

Need

We are so much

Alike

Yet we are so

Different

Let  us be the 

Lock

And key that fit together

Nicely

Weeping Fall

I think fall is such a romantic time of year and two people can grow together rather quickly because fall is when things go dormant. It is a time to put to rest troubles and worries and it is time to open one up to accept what is headed their way.

I think fall is sexy the weather gets cool and cuddling and hand holding is sought. The perfect time for a romance to  begin to bud is in the fall. There is something so romantic about the fall and I think it makes me want to be close to someone.

Relationships started in the fall have a certain advantage I think because the fall is the “physical” time to start a relationship. Look at all the spring babies born that is proof enough that the fall romance is very physical and unique.

I have never been in love and if I can’t have a relationship that is “Je ne sais quoi” then I don’t want a relationship or love. Love should not be describalbe, it should be so deep and all consuming that you  cannot describe it.

I finally started to pack for this trip, lol all I can say is what a slut I am! Yes a 53 yr old woman can be a slut when she chooses to be and I guess it’s time for this old girl to let her hair down. I think I need this trip worse than I originally thought.