Holidays are always tough for those that have lost a loved one and Nov/Dec are two months of nothing but holiday hell. I try to make it like it used to be for the kids but those days are gone and I cannot make the kids feel happy. It has been so hard on them losing their dad and they are deeply wounded.
It is harder the older you are when you lose a parent and my kids are no different, it has affected them to their core and the way they react to different things are tell tale signs of hurt. I can only give them me and I know it isn’t enough but it is all I have to give them and I wish I could give them more.
I love my kids and I think they know that but I am hard on them because I have to be. I see them for exactly who they are not who I would like them to be. My kids have suffered since they were in kindergarten and second grade as their dad was always ill and they knew he was going to die.
All of us knew he was going to die but we never knew when and for me to have to put my hand on his chest every day to see if he was still alive is hard to live with. I never knew if I would wake up next to him and he would be dead, I was always so scared of that and I lived like that since 2003.
He is at rest finally and he no longer is in pain and I am grateful for that.