So You Want It?

People want, want, want-they want to be wealthy, thin, beautiful, live the high life, own homes and car and closets full of clothes. I learned that none of this is important because it gives you nothing but instant satisfaction. Sure buying shit makes us feel good but at the end of the day there is no emotion from these items.

I look at what is really important in life and that is people, people give hugs and kisses, people give empathy and understanding and people are what makes life worth living. Some of us want people we can’t have and there are people who want us but we do not want them.

I no longer want to let anyone near my heart because they do not appreciate what I have to offer as a person. My circle is extremely small because I like my solitude and privacy. I am learning that love always has a price tag and that is hurt, I no longer will let anyone near me because all they do is use me and lie to me.

I am so innocent on several levels but emotionally I am very weak and need to be nurtured. All of us need to be loved and nurtured but the pain it can cause us makes some of us want to forget it ever existed. The person that I have had feelings for is wealthy and famous but he is finding out not even his standing in life can make his private life any happier.

Take your money and wipe your ass with it, take your private jet and fly the skys until you run out of gas because you are headed for the side of a mountain. You are not special, you are not different, you have just been dealt a hand to make your life easier but are you happier?

If money makes you happy then you are shallower than any person I may know, and no I do not want your money or standing in life, in fact I no longer want you because I am finally seeing you for the person you are, which is nothing to me or my life. I am hurt but will get over it but will you get over no longer having me to chat with or play or little boy games.

You have hurt me so bad and do not even care but once you are hurt it’s a different story now isn’t it? You do not enjoy feeling emotional pain anymore than I do but you do not appreciate who I am and what I have to offer as a person, lover or friend. Go on your way and do not look back because I will no longer be standing there.

I Wonder

I know you are sleeping at this moment and I wonder if you are sleeping next to her. I wonder if your arm is around her belly swollen with your child. I wonder if you are going to marry her and I wonder how I fit in your life. Do I fit in your life or am I just entertaining.

Do you care at all for me? Do you love me or think you are in love with me? If you think you are then you must meet me to know for sure. Are you afraid that reality may ruin your fantasy? Is it safer for you to stalk me online and watch from a distance?

What do you want from me? You see the personal hell I deal with day in and day out and you do nothing to help me. Am I not worth helping? Loving? I’m only one person trying to make it on my own and it’s damn hard and you make it harder. Make my life easier and talk to me, tell what is really going on and where I stand if I stand at all.

I am not sitting around waiting for you to knock on my door, no I am trying to deal with all the things happening in my life. If someone comes into my life and there’s an attraction then I’m gone simple as that. Life must move on and that includes my own.

Frontal Lobe Language

When my bipolar controlled me I was at the mercy of the screaming thoughts that were so loud they sounded like voices. The self hatred came out in those thoughts and I would do things that deliberately hurt me, I wasn’t a cutter but I have broken several toes and fallen numerous times out of my own stupidity.

It is quite possible to hurt yourself over and over and not understand why you are continually causing yourself pain and injury. When I was going to hang myself it was the screaming thoughts that convinced me that I was  not worthy of living. It’s very hard to control the thoughts of self-hatred but you can stifle the mother fucker to death if you so choose.

Self-esteem is directly related to how we react to others and to ourselves and when you have no self esteem you look upon yourself as worthless, useless, a mistake and you do wish you were dead at times. You have to learn to believe in yourself and having friends that can see your illness dragging you through the shit is really important.

I have one special friend that could see I was being drug through the shit and I smelled like it as well. She started building me up very slowly as not to cover me with her bullshit as I would have seen it to be. She said nice things in small amounts and one day it finally kicked in.

I was a worthy person, I did have a purpose and use and I was worth keeping alive and no one could tell me different. I began the road of self-love and yes it was full of pot holes and muddy water but I moved passed that stage of the road and finally found smooth pavement.

I started meditating which really has helped a lot but it has taken some time to get focused enough to take control and empty my brain of all thoughts. Once you can empty your thoughts then you can begin self-healing and taking back control of your life.

I am not an island and I am not the only one that has searched for help and answers as there are so many mentally ill people searching as I did. My interest in medical procedures, medications and holistic medicine started in 2003 when my husband had his leg amputated.

The years of learning have made me venture into different areas of medicine because I felt it necessary to have as much knowledge as possible in my brain. You have to be your own medical advocate for your own safety.

Dr.s will and do abuse their fiduciary responsibility and their power medically as we are taught to trust the police, priests and doctors. We are taught not to question them or judge them when that is exactly what we must do for our own safety.

Dr.s are compensated quite well by the pharmaceutical company’s and if you don’t think they are you better think again. Dr.s push pills because they are handsomely rewarded to do just that and when you realize you are not getting better, look at the pills being pushed down your throat and who is doing the pushing.

Mental illness must be watched carefully because the big drug company’s are the ones with the patents for the major mental illness drugs. When a drug’s patent is up that is when it becomes so much cheaper because it is now labeled as generic.

Look at the drugs you are taking, are they generic? If not chances are very high your doctor is getting a kick back for pushing it on you and yes even the generics are being pushed as well. Holistic medication can and does work as good if not better than the pharmaceutical company’s harmful meds.

Look at the side effects of the medications from the company’s versus the medications available through holistic medication. I am not telling anyone to stop their meds and I am not telling anyone to change to holistic medication. What I am saying is take an interest in your health yourself and do some research, do not leave your health and welfare in the hands of anyone else.

Take control of your own health and learn as much as possible about herbs and supplements that are available and read, read, read until you are as well versed as your doctor. Know the side effects and no the alternates that are available to you.