Does It Hurt?

What hurts your heart? What tears you up inside? How does it make you feel? How do you take each step to get through the day if you are really upset? I do not know myself but I can tell you I am feeling every question without any answer. I do not know how I feel about anyone or anything and I had such direction at one time.

Now I feel lost and uncertain, I feel standoffs and I also feel abandoned which I should be able to accept with no problem as I was abandoned at the age of three. I have secretly believed in someone for so long but now I am realizing I have gained very little from this “union in my mind”.

I don’t feel anger or resentment in fact I feel nothing for which I am glad. It may be the full moon affecting me but I guess one good thing is any decisions I make during this time will be final and in cement. So, you see it’s fine and I will be ok and of course I will miss him but I will get on just fine, thank you.

It’s not that I have strength, no I just happen to choose to deal with most situations logically instead of letting my emotions take over. My emotions can drown me so I steer away from them as much as I can and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. Life can be funny sometimes in not a funny way but hey the bitter with the sweet, always the bitter with the sweet.

The Damaged Child Within

I have spent years in counseling on and off to help heal the damaged child within and I can say the counseling helped some but not as much as I had hoped. It is so hard to love yourself when you have always been brain washed to think you are no good, a useless person, unloveable and unwanted.

I do not live in the past but there are times when the past shows itself and I prefer not to look at the past. It is what it was and that’s life and some people let the past shape their future. I have suffered a lot of hurt in my life and it has made me the person that I am. We cannot let the ugliness of the past affect our present life.

People hold on to hate and anger like its a life raft which does nothing but push them further out to sea. I try to let go of anger I have and it is slowly dissipating. I have anger from my husband’s death but that is part of the grieving process and I am not as angry as I used to be.

At this moment I feel no anger towards anyone and I blame myself for most of the bad things that have happened in my life. I have made some very serious mistakes in my life and my past is so far from Lilly white. I have to look at the good that has come out of the bad and focus on that.

If you choose to focus on the negative in your life then that is what you will draw to you but if you focus on the positive life isn’t that bad. I know some people are consumed with the anger of their past and that is so sad, when they could be happy and forget that garbage that hurts them.

Every once in a while I have the demons from my past pop up and yes I do get angry but I try to push that demon’s head back down into the past where he belongs but there is no doubt that we can never escape our past and we have to live with it no matter what. Our past does not reflect our future and I will not let it affect mine.

 

 

I Don’t Know

I don’t know what I feel anymore, I don’t know what he ever felt if anything at all. I have no place in this world I feel comfortable and at peace, it’s as if I have to fight constantly. I feel so uneasy in the place that I am at and I noticed when we talked this morning there was silent moments where neither of us knew what to say.

That says volumes and now I know, there is no place with you that I belong. It’s time for both of us to move on, it’s hard to say but I feel it best, that we put this relationship to rest as it is going nowhere and you know it as well as I, it’s been nothing but one big lie. I was there for you and you for me but we are stronger now and we can move on.

It’s not with anger I say these words but a gentler and kinder person inside me now. Three and 1/2 years we have kept in touch but the lies have piled up and left me with so much sorrow. You think I don’t know who you are, yes I do and wonder why you would even think of me as I have nothing left to offer you. 

Don’t feel sad don’t feel lonely you have AB to warm your home and your bed, so just say goodbye and let go, it’s best for both of us don’t you know? I will be I will be ok, I was just stupid and thought one day that you and I would be happy together but I’m not for you as I am not arm candy, like you once said, “have you taken a look at yourself” no I’m not pretty, thin and young I am just me I am a special one.

Lost Without You

It’s so hard to walk away from someone you love, not out of anger-no there was no fight. It’s just the feeling of helplessness, the it’s never going to be feeling. I do not know if I am giving up to soon and things will turn around and we will be together or if I am dragging my heart behind me looking for a safe place to mend?

I really have no desire to date but I am forcing myself to at least register on the sites. It’s hard when you’re heart isn’t into it and not even a hot looking guy excites you. It’s really a rather sad situation as I have no clue what to do, I love him that much. Am I a fool or a hopeless romantic?

Lash Out No More

I cannot understand why people lash out at others when they are hurt, relationships go south and that is life. Why slash tires, break windows, damage reputations and hurt others because you are hurting. Rejection has always been part of my life and yes I have been hurt, hurt very deeply and I have lashed out but not in a damaging way.

When you love someone it is your gift to them and if they turn their back on you do not let it take you so far down you cannot recover. People need to grow in their own way and time and nothing anyone can do will change that. If the person you love is loving someone else wish them the best not the worse.

I cannot hate for very long as it can consume me and I will not be devoured by pain and the man I love, yes I do wish him and his gf the best because that is me. I want to see the world happy and if I cannot be part of his life there is nothing to be gained by wishing him an unhappy life.

He has always wanted a daughter and he even named his child that hasn’t been conceived Salina. Men have no clue that they do not decide the sex of a child, it is the woman’s body that makes that decision, so blame the woman. He may just have a daughter in the womb of his lover, who knows? Who cares? Not me.

I will continue to pray for him everyday and wish happiness and love for him but I will not shed another tear over what never happened and I will not lose sight of myself because “we” are not together. Anger is unhealthy and hate is damaging to self so why hurt yourself because someone doesn’t love you back?

I have love from God and that sees me through the darkest hours of the darkest days, I pray for peace, love and happiness for all that have left their tracks on my life and I want no harm to come to anyone in the world. My day will come when it is meant to but it hasn’t so far but I am not letting go and giving up.

As People

As people we are an odd bunch with odd ways and yes we are a very complex species, as long as you do not single out certain people, yes we are a very complex species indeed. I find it terribly funny that some people thrive on being sneaky.

Yes, there are those that love to by a mystery and love to keep mystery going for a very long time. People enjoy a good mystery, that’s if you stay away from the those ignorant souls that find reading and living to boring to endure.

As for myself I hate to break the news to you but I am probably the funniest, craziest person that enjoys reading and solving a good mystery. It took me several years, literally several years to unravel a mystery and I  am not sure that I have unraveled it as of yet.

One should never be to sure of themselves as that can blow up in your face so easily and I am not sure of myself as far as this situation goes. I honestly am so damn scared I’m almost well I won’t tell you what but ya I am scared.

I am actually feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety that is making my heart race and I’m close to grabbing the bottle of xanax to calm my nerves. The last time I took xanax is when my husband died last year and I lived on xanax as I was a mess.

I have been fortunate enough to have someone behind the scenes watching over me and listening to me when I was so messed up. I have gone through all the stages of grief and the hardest one for me was anger, I had a lot of anger and was entitled to every bit of it and more.

People that go through a divorce deal with the same emotions, the only difference is their spouse didn’t die but the relationship did and that is tough on anyone. I hope this is a trip that changes my life for the better, for happier times, more romantic times.

 

 

Up To You Up To Me

Up To You Up To Me

We have traveled many a road many a mile and many a country to meet on common soil. You have been everywhere, haven’t you my angel? You have traveled the world and not found what your idealistic mind has sought.

You have found not a single lady that can understand you’re uniqueness, idealism, humanitarian, intelligence or that you are drawn to the unusual and different plus keep you TOTALLY satisfied, now have you? No, sadly, my dear you have not.

Then, then one day the curtains of the world opened up for you and you met to cause harm to one and you got love in return, yes you got love. How odd and strange that was to you now wasn’t it? You actually harmed another and they did not lash out in hatred.

No, my dear hatred is not the answer, no it isn’t and never will be, love is unconditional and has no boundaries, love has no weight to lie upon your shoulders but can lift your heart to new heights, love can answer the calling in the night, break the silence like dropping a stone in a still lake.

I can tell you I was not born this way, absolutely not and I was filled with rage and so much hate and anger for so very long. But when you do forgive yourself it does feel good to milk that snake forever and that is what I have done in many areas of my life.

I have suffered as you know I have suffered terribly at times and my daughter actually gave me “permission” to get two more little miniature Yorkies so I’m going to have her talk the lady that that Athena and her daughter to let me have them back to see if they are ready to breed.

I want “Theenie” to be with me as much as possible to see that the pregnancy goes ok, hell let me truthful I would love to have them both back and give them puppies for free. But knowing my daughter, she will not let me slide Athena and Apollo back into the house. 

Why am I letting me daughter run my life? At this point I have realized that someone else is better off doing the driver for awhile. I am not going to get into an argument over dogs, no way I do not have that much energy so I’m fine with what ever she decides.

Ok I got side tracked once again, but we have traveled many years to get to the point we have finally reached and that is making plans to meet one another or so I hope. Time is running out and you know it and soon you will be off again.

And what if there is a connection? What if there is a really strong connection? Do you expect me to leave my kids? No can do, maybe for a couple of weeks here and there but not for months. Do not even ask such a thing and what ever shall you do?

Jump in bed as soon as you can no longer wait to be with me again? Get lonely and just “have some company” to break up the monopoly? Sorry, I do not work that way and when I give I give all of me and expect the same in return.

I’m laying my cards on the table so no surprises down the road, got it? No, I do not want to marry you but if there is a connection I will be the only one, got that? No fucking lieing, games, cheating none of that horse shit, got it?

It’s my way or the highway when it comes to fidelity and relationships because just remember one thing, with what I have, I can get all of what you have in nothing flat, not so easy for a guy, so don’t laugh to loud for to long.

We are adults and as adults we have responsibilities to follow our hearts and if we do not set an example for ourselves how can we for others? We belong together, do you finally get it? Maybe not as lovers maybe just great friends or business partners.

If we don’t go the next step we shall never know and I am really scared but I am ready to take at least a tiny step as I am sure you are as well. Both of are idealists and we have a specific purpose and we do have a “job” to do even you believe it or not.

I am not trying to pull the “God” card but I am telling you we have a purpose and I do not know what it is but I feel it so damn strong I cannot deny it. No, it’s not love, but it is something and I for one want to know what it is. Who knows we may just be great friends and that is all, don’t bet on it though, buddy. 

Please do not be married or living with someone of the female persuasion, please? The best relationships are always based on truth and honesty.