Does It Hurt?

What hurts your heart? What tears you up inside? How does it make you feel? How do you take each step to get through the day if you are really upset? I do not know myself but I can tell you I am feeling every question without any answer. I do not know how I feel about anyone or anything and I had such direction at one time.

Now I feel lost and uncertain, I feel standoffs and I also feel abandoned which I should be able to accept with no problem as I was abandoned at the age of three. I have secretly believed in someone for so long but now I am realizing I have gained very little from this “union in my mind”.

I don’t feel anger or resentment in fact I feel nothing for which I am glad. It may be the full moon affecting me but I guess one good thing is any decisions I make during this time will be final and in cement. So, you see it’s fine and I will be ok and of course I will miss him but I will get on just fine, thank you.

It’s not that I have strength, no I just happen to choose to deal with most situations logically instead of letting my emotions take over. My emotions can drown me so I steer away from them as much as I can and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. Life can be funny sometimes in not a funny way but hey the bitter with the sweet, always the bitter with the sweet.

The Damaged Child Within

I have spent years in counseling on and off to help heal the damaged child within and I can say the counseling helped some but not as much as I had hoped. It is so hard to love yourself when you have always been brain washed to think you are no good, a useless person, unloveable and unwanted.

I do not live in the past but there are times when the past shows itself and I prefer not to look at the past. It is what it was and that’s life and some people let the past shape their future. I have suffered a lot of hurt in my life and it has made me the person that I am. We cannot let the ugliness of the past affect our present life.

People hold on to hate and anger like its a life raft which does nothing but push them further out to sea. I try to let go of anger I have and it is slowly dissipating. I have anger from my husband’s death but that is part of the grieving process and I am not as angry as I used to be.

At this moment I feel no anger towards anyone and I blame myself for most of the bad things that have happened in my life. I have made some very serious mistakes in my life and my past is so far from Lilly white. I have to look at the good that has come out of the bad and focus on that.

If you choose to focus on the negative in your life then that is what you will draw to you but if you focus on the positive life isn’t that bad. I know some people are consumed with the anger of their past and that is so sad, when they could be happy and forget that garbage that hurts them.

Every once in a while I have the demons from my past pop up and yes I do get angry but I try to push that demon’s head back down into the past where he belongs but there is no doubt that we can never escape our past and we have to live with it no matter what. Our past does not reflect our future and I will not let it affect mine.