Rejection

The doorbell rang and I walked over and opened the door, there he stood with a beautiful bouquet of wild flowers and his award-winning smile. I opened the door and he handed me the flowers as he stepped into the foyer. He was dressed very comfortable in jeans and a shirt with a sweater over it.

He always looked attractive no matter what he was wearing. He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and I turned and he followed me into the kitchen. I opened the cupboard door under the sink and took out the flower vase. Opening the flowers and removing the “vitamin pack” and locating the scissors and cutting the pouch open and pouring it into the vase.

I filled the vase with water and cut the flower stems on the appropriate angle and removed the vase from the sink and placed the flowers inside. I arranged them to my liking and placed the vase on the kitchen table and stood back. I stood just looking at the flowers and wondering what each of them represented, if anything.

He walked up behind and put his arms around my waist and asked me what I was thinking and I told him. He told me each flower represented something he found to be super special about me. Damn Aquarius males, so smooth and flirtation, so sensual and caring so damn irresistible!

I took his hand and let him to my bedroom, this was going to break in the new mattress and break in Kimberly day unbeknownst to him. “C” was so much of what I wanted in a man, a relationship but something….there’s that something again. I drifted off in thought momentarily as if to ask myself if this is what I really wanted to do.

I sat him on the bed and removed his sweater as I kissed his forehead, nose and each cheek. I began to kiss the top of his ear letting him feel the heat of my breath on his ear and neck. I slowly took his ear lobe in between my teeth and slightly tugged and kissed it. I was also busy unbuttoning his shirt.

I wanted to rip it off of him but I hate sewing and would not want to sew those buttons back on. I removed his shirt and undid his pants and pulled them off as well. He had a marvelous body, one to be admired as well as desired. I raised his legs to the bed and I looked at him lying there with his arms under his head and the hard on bulging through his wears.

I moved to the end of the bed and began to lick on his second toe and slowly took it into my mouth. He could feel the excitement shoot up to his cock and it bounced up and down like it was clapping. I loved looking at him in nothing but his boxer briefs because it’s more exciting not to see and to imagine than to see and have no fantasy at all.

I massaged his calf as I played with his toes and I massaged his thighs as I kissed the inside of his ankle working my way up to his boy toy. He was making some quite entertaining remarks as he had never felt anything like this before. Yes, he had had his toes sucked on but I was doing so much more.

Anyone can have sex and anyone can fuck and some can even make love but when sex is an art form you love to paint then splash the canvas with the colors. I enjoy feeling the body, I enjoy knowing the body, every perfect part as well as all the imperfections. Sex is art to me and I am loving the canvas I am painting…..to be continue……………..

Soap Opera Duchess

I feel like I am the Duchess of soap opera life blogs, my life reads like a poorly written exert in a cheap novel. I sit here trying to remember happier times and I am hard pressed to remember any. It’s been so long since I have been happy that I have become comfortably numb without it.

This life has been nothing but a series of tests and wits and somehow I have managed it this far. My son is going to be the death of me yet because I do not know what to do for him. No child should be so unhappy they want to die but there are so many and suicide rates climb daily with adolescent suicide.

This world puts too much pressure on our young to be their own caretakers at such an early age. I have been fortunate enough to be home to care for my kids the majority of their lives but I feel like such a failure as a parent but I cannot allow myself to wear that cloak of responsibility.

I just don’t know what is going to be next for me because as it stands I cannot see any happiness coming into my life anytime soon, if ever. I am pretty down in the mouth right now but I will bounce back as I always do and no it isn’t about strength, it’s about not having a choice.

Myself Lost

I am so completely lost in my own life and have not a clue where I am heading. One would think at my age I would have all the answers and know where I want to go. I do not, I am completely and utterly lost at this point in my life and all the changes keep on happening so I can never adjust.

I would love nothing more than to live on a small farm with my pets away from people. I have found I like my own company more than other people’s. I am so comfortable by myself and in my own home that I have no desire to go anywhere else right now. I love to travel but I just can’t afford it.

I need to get through these next several years and when the kids are gone is when I will make whatever moves are necessary or desirable. I am so glad I am not a woman who needs company or a man to make her complete. I get lonely but I have survived quite nicely without a man.

I will one day find all that I have dreamed for but in the mean time I am just trying to get past the manure pile of my life and dump the unnecessary crap. It is hard work to clean yourself up and dust yourself off and it takes years to shed the old skin and let the new one shine brightly.

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Hurting Place

Try as we do we cannot stop love from reaching a hopeless place that is a hurting place. We carry our hearts on our sleeve and someone comes along and squashed those good feelings. Letting go into a drowning pool is what it feels like for me and the seaweed wraps itself around my legs pulling me further down.

Is it a hopeless place we go  for so long or is it our own minds that place us there? Does love and the loss of it take us to the box with no lid, does it take us to the shower with no water? Dealing with loss of love is very difficult and painful to the heart for so many of us and we look at ourselves like fools gold.

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Who R U?

Do any of us really know what are purpose in this life is? Do any of us know what we truly want to accomplish? Do any of us really know what love is or is it just an emotion we follow? I can honestly say I do not really know what love is because I have never experienced it.

There was no love in my family ever and my mother was nothing more than an embryonic incubator. She was lacking the love of a mother and chose to be physically and abusive. We are given the opportunity to either walk in the shoes of others or to go in the opposite direction.

I have gone in the opposite direction and I believe the reason I let myself fall into a “relationship” that has been unfullfilling is because I do not know what it’s like to be fulfilled. I do not know what it is like to be loved without being used at the same time and I do not know why love has been so hard for me to find.

My life has been filled with so much pain that I have no choice but to believe it is the only way I can pay my karmic debt. Love has abandoned me for lessons, hard lessons to learn. I also believe I am the way I am because I have been given a mission to complete before I die.

I believe I make others life easier because it is my destiny to do so and one day I will have earned the happiness that is due to me. It’s going to be with someone who deserves me and I deserve them, we will have a common bond to help others as that is what I do best.

I am not one to hurt others and I feel empathy for so many and can actually feel their pain. I do not harbor hate but anger yes because I have allowed myself to be used and toyed with. This behavior stopped today as I was hurt very badly by the lack of consideration of another.

People can hide for only so long and the real person comes out and we can hide from ourselves for only so long and then we finally look in the mirror and see the real person behind the face. We see our insecurities, failings and where we need to grow and I saw that person today staring back at me.

I cannot blame others for hurting me because I have to blame myself for letting them and when I stop letting them is when they will stop hurting me. Blaming others isn’t solving the problem it only makes us deny the truth within ourselves. We are responsible for what happens and how we feel.

 

Tattoo Me

I have wanted to get a tattoo for about a year now and I still cannot think of what I want tattooed on my body. It has to be something I will like thirty years from now, that’s if I live that long. I am not afraid of the pain as the amount of pain is based on the part of the body that is tattooed.

No, I am not into tattooing my crotch or boobs, I want a piece of art for all to see, something that I am really proud of and something colorful. Color fades over time and it needs to be redone but I don’t care because pushing fifty three next week has awoken me up to where I am at in my life.

I am nowhere, that is where I am and I feel like I am spinning my wheels in a Michigan snow storm. I can’t wait to be on my own and my kids doing well on theirs. I just want to get on with things and move on in my time before it gets away from me. I just want what everyone else does, to be happy.

I do not know why life is the way it is but it’s time for me to be happy for a change, enjoy the holidays again and enjoy life again. It’s been such a very long time since I have experienced happiness that I don’t know how I would react to such an uncommon phenomenon in my life.

Give Me

You say you love me and we are soulmates, then show me you love me, want me, to be with me. Show me you care, show me something because I need something to believe in again, something to hold on to again. I love you so much and you know it but you do nothing but work, working yourself sick you are.

I had this naughty little fantasy about you and I cooking in the nude, we were surrounded by fruits and vegetables and you bent over and oops I dropped a carrot up your ass. Anyway this isn’t the blog to  post details about how my naughty little mind and tongue works but we had fun with all sorts of foods.

See, what you do to me, you make me think thoughts that make me crazy and it isn’t fair, no fair at all. I do hope if we ever do you meet you have eaten your post toasties, cheerios and wheaties because I am going to tear your latino ass up, you hear me? Ya, you sit back and laugh, we will see who is the last one laughing mr.

So do something wonderful for my birthday will you? No, calling isn’t what I am referring to I am talking about something really exciting and kinky, fun and crazy. Come on show me your wild side, some may think you a shy boy but get past that and you are a wild one that hasn’t met your match face to face.

The Walk

I walked the beach on a chilly October morning and as my bare feet dug into the cold sand and the wind blew through my hair, my eyes teared up thinking of what could be. I could see my hand in yours and I could see your smile with mine, the world is a better place because of us.

We are a force to be reckoned with apart but together we can change the world so completely that it would be unrecognizable. We have the love for mankind and we have the love of animal and nature. We are separated only by words and distance means nothing if the heart loves another.

We lie together in each other’s arms dreaming of our future together, a life filled with quiet moments of love and life. Am I lost in my own dream? Am I lost in my own moments? Am I lost in my own life? I shall hope not and pray you are in my arms before too much longer as I need you as much as you need me.

To Find

To find my

Heart

Falling apart

To find my

Life

So full of

Strife

I love to

Deep

It’s something

I just can’t 

Keep

A love so honest

And so 

Sweet

It could only

Be you 

And me

I live in a

Dream

Just you and 

Me it may 

Seem

But it’s

All a lie

Even though

I may try

To keep 

What I feel

Alive

You do not

Want me

And if you 

Did

You would be

With me

For life

And I would

Be your wife