Paradise Secret

All of us have our dreams but how many of us have sat down and mapped out their secret paradise? I have and long ago I started building my secret paradise in my mind. I have refined that secret within me and I find I am happier every time I go to my secret paradise.

My place is one of naked love and freedom, respecting myself and the man I am with to have trust and both of us living our lives together but separately. He does what he needs to and if that means he is gone for a month at a time then so be it, if it means he needs to be with his family then I encourage that as well because siblings and parents need to stay connected.

My paradise is a ranch home with black raspberry bushes and a summer garden, my paradise is taking care of my children until they are on their own and then I want to be with the one I love. I do not want to get married but I would if he wanted me too because men are like that, they like predictability and security as well as women.

I do not need to be married because I totally trust my partner and I have always felt that if you aren’t happy do not cheat just pack up and leave. I do not have time to cheat because my focus is on keeping the one I love happy and yes that is a full time job because relationships don’t fix themselves.

 

Solar Eclipse And Scorpio

The eclipse of November 13 is a solar eclipse, sure to bring opportunities. A solar eclipse is always a new moon on steroids, and these special events always start a new chapter (not end one). They are very, very powerful. I like solar eclipses, for they open a path, but when you walk down them, you will soon see, you can’t retreat back to your old life again – you have to keep marching forward across the bridge and not look back.

The universe knows we are creatures of habit, so it will send an eclipse to give us a push, ready or not. You are a fixed sign, so the idea of change is not always a welcome one, but even you will see the value in moving on.

  Not since 2003 to 2005 have you seen eclipses in Scorpio and the opposite sign of Taurus. This means you are moving into a very important new cycle, and that the coming two years will bring vast changes. Your life will begin to have a very different look and feel from years past. Combining that with the arrival of Saturn, you are about to make quantum leaps in maturity, and your life will have more form and substance than you’ve had in the past.

This is a solar eclipse, so you will see shifts in your profession too, and perhaps last month, October, you started to see glimmerings of this truth already. Eclipses repeat in exact degree every 19 years, so you already had an eclipse in Scorpio to this degree on November 13, 1993 (and the other eclipse this month on November 29, 1993.)

Of course the other planets surrounding the eclipse are always different, but perhaps you can recall something that happened near this date, or soon after, that was important to you. 1993 was a powerful year for you, for Jupiter had just entered Scorpio. Pluto was in Scorpio, too – quite bit of planetary power. Saturn was in your home sector, however, so that was not an ideal place for Saturn to be, as it affected your home life in a difficult way at the time. Those planets are all in different positions now. Look forward to the changes – it’s time to shake things up. Taken from http://www.astrologyzone.com/forecasts/monthly/scorpio_full.php

As I look back to 2003-2005 I can clearly remember my husband having his leg amputated and the huge changes my family made at that time. It was devestating to say the least but with bad does come good. I try to stay focused on the good so I can bring more good into my life.

1993 was the year I broke off an engagement and major changes were happening in my personal life as well as my businesses. It was a tough year but I learned  a lot and the wheels were put into motion for me to meet my husband. This year was another major change in my life. 

Who knows Celestino has come into my life and I really do not see myself marrying him but odder things have happened. I didn’t want to marry my husband either but I ended getting married none the less. I had been hoping to be with the one I have loved for all these years but that dream has died and there is no possibility of even meeting him.

 

What To Do

What do you do with all the emotions that have stolen your heart? What can you possibly think when the two of you are apart? How do you know if he loves you at all? How do you know if you are the one for him? How do you know if he is lieing with another? How do you know if he hasn’t made her a mother?

What do you do with all these feelings and no validation? This is called love, not a recreation, so what do you do? Why will he not speak? Why will he not release me from my person penitentiary? I beg him to please just tell me, will there ever be an us? Or is it nothing more than lust?

Au revoir

You are flying from here to France to Australia, mexico and a million other places so what is it you really want from me? You have the name and the fame so I have no idea what you want from me. I’m not interested in your name or your fame.

Why do you torment me so? Why do you do everything in your power to keep me in conversations with a million of your aliases? Do you think you can actually keep me from looking for someone who really wants to be with me? Is your problem that you would like to but just can’t at this time?

If that’s the case, damn step up and say so because when I am gone, I am gone for good and I may already be, who knows? I do not wish you anything but happiness in your life and hope that is what you really have at this time. My best, take care bb

One More Step

Some people get hurt by another and they say they will never let anyone hurt them again like that. That’s the biggest lie we tell ourselves because as humans we require a certain amount of love and affection but when you get hurt you are to afraid to take one more step.

I used to know somebody that hated themselves and  has been gifted with a talent that was used to help many people with. I think I have a bit of understanding why this person denies himself the happiness he wants so badly. I think he has no clue about illness but I do and I have noticed his actions to be one of an ill person.

I am not trying to be mean, no not at all in fact I’m trying to save a life here. He knows what he wants but he allows himself to deny himself of that love. He worries about the erratic behavior and out bursts and is afraid for me to see that side of him so he pushes me away.

He doesn’t realize my mother and my brother is and was mentally ill, my brother had paranoid schizophrenia and I have also dealt with people in life that are ill. He thinks if he keeps hurting me I will go away. Nope that isn’t going to happen because I am not going to reward him for his poor behavior and self image at this time.

No, I am not going away so forget that right now and I do know one thing, when you care for someone you are there for them no matter what the situation. I am always going to be here as his friend and yes I do believe he has an incurable mental illness.

He can continue to be narccistic and deny himself of love and someone who understands where he is at in his own mind. I understand only to well and I am here to tell about it, I hated myself so much that looking in the mirror never happened.

I felt such a heavy emptiness and profound sadness that I walked through the days like a zombie. I couldn’t get myself to do a damn thing. I lost all desire for anything or anybody and I locked myself away from the world so I could lick my wounds.

Well, the most shocking event occurred, I had a break through my mental illness and I have found a way to help myself in moments of stress and anger build up. I have learned not to blow up at people as that only makes the situation worse. I still have my blow-ups but quite infrequently these days, I know about the cold, rainy fall days when one is alone.

Hate yourself all you want, in fact I encourage you to hate yourself as much as you can. Now turn that emotion around and love yourself as much. Couldn’t do huh? Need a little help in that area? You need a good friend not a lover, you have a great friend right here but you are to afraid to reach out for fear of more pain. 

I totally understand those feelings because I lived through them myself. I think it has been best that I had no one in my life because I have been able to focus on my own mental health and become so much better. I reuse to let my illness every run my life again.

The saddest thing in the world is he cannot deny himself of her, he is obsessed with her and follows her everywhere she goes online. He does little things to keep tabs on her even though he is no where near her. He cannot let her go and that is making him feel crazy as well.

I have no plans of sitting down and waiting for him to build up enough character to meet me, hell no girlfriend is not a waiting for no man. God knows what she needs and will care for her and when the time is right, he will come into her life.

He may be waiting at a deli for a lunch, he could be the gas station attendant, hell he could be even you, yes you just have to be willing to take one more step in my direction and then quicken your pace because you were going to run in my direction until you started thinking to much.

I expected you to pull out as the date got closer and I knew you were going to be a no show as that has been a given with you. You are scared out of your wits to meet me and you know that is true. I do not have powers to put a spell on you, I assure you.

If you do not take this opportunity to enrich your life, you may have just given up one of the best things that could have happened to you. I promise you I will not wait but will be here if you need me and I am not mad and I am not crying.

I am working filling that space in my heart that needs love now, yes right this second and I plan on getting it filled. You are going to be really pissed at yourself that you didn’t take advantage of meeting me, go one bury your head in work, like that is going to help you?