Negative Back Feed

People can be so mean and hateful and when you blog you are doing it for yourself. Some blog to make money, release feelings and emotions, settle problems in their own mind and numerous other reasons. You should never get hurtful back feed you should only get positive feedback.

I was reading a post and the comment made was one that made me want to slap someone. I wanted to reach right through the computer and slap the person that made such a comment. The blogger is dealing with a mental illness and the “commenter” was saying how much he hated people with a certain mental illness.

People with mental illness fight everyday to make it through and it is difficult when you do not have positive around you. Mental illness is so ignored  anymore and thrown to the wayside. Mental illness can be controlled under the right circumstances with the right medicine.

I have bipolar disorder as does my 15 yr old son. I am happy to say I am quite stable and doing fine mentally. My son on the other hand is going through what I went through trying to find the right “cocktail” of meds. Mental illness is usually treated with several different meds and you have got to take your meds.

I hate taking meds but I do it daily to keep the abyss from swallowing me whole. The more I trust myself the better off I have been and the meds help with that. I am making good decisions and thinking of myself for a change. I no longer fall for stupid lines from men or are manipulated by them.

I see my future clearly these days and who will be in it and who won’t, sometimes you just have to cut someone lose if they are giving you what you need emotionally. That is where I am at and I am doing a good job at it to. I have reached the limit of no return and it’s about time I take control of my life.

So Sleepy

I think I fell asleep around 4:30 this morning and I know I was crying because my pillow was wet this morning. I have no answers nor does cps when it comes to Ry. They understand that there are no answers but I noticed Ry pulled this crap on the night Shelby came over.

I have to stay firm and not take Ry back for quite some time because he is killing me slowly. I refuse to wear the cloak of the failing mother because I didn’t fail, the world failed me and my son. I am holding back the tears but the damn is going to break and I am afraid I will wash away with it.

What does he want from me? Why can’t he be at least a little happy? Why can’t I be happy? Is there happiness in this world or is it all a lie we live and tell ourselves. I have no one to love me but I am not trying to kill myself, what can I do? What can cps do? What can anyone do?

It’s so damn hard to watch your child live in a self imposed exile from the world but I cannot change his reality or his fantasies. As far as “him”, I have changed my mind and will not expose his true identity because I want him to go away and just cutting him out of my life is best.

He could sue me but that wouldn’t look to good on his behalf but knowing the con he is he would blame my bipolar disorder and he would say I am crazy instead of being a man and standing up to what he does. He is nothing but a fuck that I do not want to know ever and I have no desire to know even a bit of him.

Foot

I am broke as usual but I have milk and bread! That makes it a good day around here and I am trying to block my son out but he and I have an unseen connection, we do communicate telepathically, ya I know I’m crazy and you are right, certifiable bipolar disorder, thank you very much.

You should be scared, very scared because I cannot be held accountable for anything I say or do because of my mental illness, so go ahead fuck with me, I have bodies in my backyard, want to join them?

I am so sick of people trying to take advantage of me and succeeding, like that bastard that stole over 4 grand of items from my home and of course the cops won’t do shit. There are gangs that will do anything for a Ulysses spot and shit can happen you bastard.

I’m not allowed to own a gun and wouldn’t anyway cause guns become dangerous in the hand of man and my luck I would shoot myself in the damn foot. I put my foot in my mouth enough as it is but I don’t want to shoot it off.

Backbone

The hardest thing in the world to do is to turn your back on your child, especially when they suffer from bipolar disorder. I have no choice but to walk away from my son and it is ripping out my heart. He attempted suicide Oct 1 and was talking the same stuff at 3 a.m. I have done all I can do and now it’s up to cps.

I will be charged with neglect and the state will put him in a facility or in foster care. For a mother to have do this is so very hard. I have no more choices and it is has come down to be getting a backbone and walking away at this point. I cannot let my child destroy me and himself so I have been given no alternative.

The hospital keeps calling and I refuse to pick up the phone because they want me to take responsibility financially and it’s not happening. CPS knows I have done all I can do for him and it gives me no pleasure to have to be so cold to my child. The problem with being a mother is doing what is best and not feeling guilt.

I feel so bad that I have had to do this to my child but it is for his best no matter how it hurts me. I talked to “C” about the situation and I think I could hear a sigh of relief in his voice. Maybe I am imagining it but I have no doubt that having my son out of the way is what he would like.

When you feel like someone is glad to have your kids out of the way there becomes these undertones of disgust that you feel. I also feel a sense of betrayal from him because I thought he would have common sense to accept my kids but I am starting to think differently.

Bipolar Bad Ass

I am writing about bipolar disorder because it’s time to celebrate and share how well I am doing. I didn’t talk about it for the longest time because I was so afraid that I would have a major set back but that has yet to happen.

I was doing some really fucked up things when I was ill, I was meeting men that I didn’t know but all I did was smoke some weed with them. One guy wanted me to put on his x wifes fur coat and that was weird so I didn’t do it and made some excuse to leave.

I got scammed out of 23 grand, yes you read it right, 23 thousand dollars because I was so “in love” with a no name no face person on the internet. I was so desperate for love that he got me at the perfect time in my life, when I was weak and vulnerable.

When you are ill you feel so bad about yourself and when someone starts to build you up you grab a hold of them like they are a life saver. You get caught up in the bullshit they lay on you and you start to have feelings for someone you have no clue who the fuck they are.

You forget shit and lose stuff, go on spending sprees and sex sprees, you are very loud and appear disoriented, which you are at times. The mania keeps you up for days and you are wound for sound until the lows hit you with the force of a locomotive.

Depression sucks you down and you have no desire to do a damn thing and when it’s really bad, you do not shower, brush your teeth, hair and you have no desire to take care of your hygiene what so ever. You have no desire to do a damn thing and only do what is absolutely necessary.

You walk through the days without any desires at all and you  care about nothing or anybody, you are just walking dead. The depression makes you feel so down that suicide is the only escape or so you think at the time.

I was going to hang myself, I had the rope hanging from the garage door frame and had the dead man’s noose ready to go and Bob, my husband came home and stopped me. I was so ready to hand myself and I wasn’t thinking twice about it either.

But those days are gone, yes they are behind me and I am well, finally I am feeling great ok maybe not great but pretty damn good about myself. It’s a very hard illness to control and I have been trying to control it since I was diagnosed in 2002.

It’s been ten years of pure hell but I have finally gotten the beast under control and I am aware that I could succumb to the illness again. I keep a strict eye on myself and take my meds, see my dr. and go to counseling.

When you are down you cannot see up and do not believe you will ever feel better again but there is hope even though you may think there is none. If the truth must be known and it must if you are not getting better then you have several options.

First, let your doctor know that the meds aren’t working and if he/she doesn’t change your “cocktail” to your liking by the fourth time then it’s time to change doctors.Do not hesitate to change your doctor or voice your concerns.

For those that prefer holistic meds add marijuana, yes I know we have been programmed to think marijuana is a bad drug. Look at the side effects of all your meds and you will find that marijuana is so much healthier for you as is other naturals.

Smoking weed really does help as it relaxes you and puts you in a euphoric state of mind. Yes, it helps hell it helps a lot and is quite beneficial, I find it to be a “friend’ that cares and helps me unwind and chill out for a while.

My father passed in January and him and I would smoke weed together as we talked and he taught me new things. He was big into holistic medicine and he could control pain like no one I ever knew, he passed at home from colon cancer and I gave him hash laced joints for the pain in the very end days.

My dad was 74 when he passed and he smoked weed his entire life and he didn’t think twice about smoking and he accepted everyone for who they were. My dad’s IQ was off the charts and he created new laws, worked on a secret project for the govt, and he came up with money saving ways for a hamburger chain.

My dad knew I was ill and he tried to help me and keep me focused, he could tell when things were not going good for me and he knew when the mania had taken hold of me. My dad was someone special and I knew him as a man not a father.

He had me try different herbs and such to help me and he loved me even though he never said it. My father and I had no relationship until six years ago and the relationship we had built was special and I miss him so much but he accepted me for who I was, illness and all.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you cannot get better as that is a fucking lie, there are those that get better and I am here to stand up and say “fuck you I am better and you cannot knock me down”. Never give up and let go, never accept what others say.

I am the proverbial bipolar bad ass as I have overcome adversity and I have become one of the few that have gotten that bastard under control. You can never give up or give in because it’s up to you and you alone to take a stand and get help.

 

Bipolar Shadow

Bipolar Shadow

I live with bipolar disorder as do so many others but I am one of the fortunate ones as I have it under control finally. I have learned to not tell anyone that I may get involved with about the illness as I have found that I am judged immediately.

I prefer total honesty but that cannot be when you are wanting to be involved with someone. People frown upon mental illness and just the word drives people away so fast. You are not judged fairly and you already have one major strike against you.

I look back on my actions and how my own husband treated me and I can say he made things so much worse for me then needed to be. Playing mind games with someone who is ill is not helpful one bit even if you think it is and you are trying to control the person.

I used to talk very loud and my moods would swing like crazy and I would be happy one minute and mean and hateful the next. I could stay up for days and found myself having conversations with no one, I tried to talk to Bob but he never would listen.

He would hide my cell and my keys and tell me I misplaced them, he would steal my phone when I was sleeping and I caught him once. That is when I realized I wasn’t a nut job but he was doing everything possible to make me think that.

He didn’t want me on the phone talking to strange men or meeting strange men, he wanted to control my every waking moment and he would have like to control my dreams as well. He seriously thought he was helping me when he was obviously making me sicker.

You cannot control a bipolar person, no that is why they have doctors and take meds. Bob was never the great intelligent type to begin with but he could have called my dr. but he chose to move things, steal things and lie to me and make me feel like I was going crazy.

I now have this illness under control but I still have the bipolar shadow that will always follow me, the stereotype that follows the illness as well as knowing that it hides in the shadows just waiting for a moment to sneak out again.

When you finally get control of the “dragon” you always have to remember that it lurks in the dark waiting for it’s great escape. When you accept the fact that you must pay attention to yourself so much more closely than the average person then you are doing damn good.

Meds are mandatory, no if’s and’s or but’s and keeping dr. appointments is paramount as well. As long as you follow protocol things go well when you finally have your “cocktail” of meds right. People must realize that causing stress for someone with bipolar is not a good thing for them. 

You can so easily be pushed over the edge and anyone that does that is really selfish. I am constantly reminding myself that my illness is in the shadows and it is up to me and me alone to keep it there. I am happy and healthy and that is all I can ask.

I am not overly happy just happy enough to enjoy the little things life has to offer but it would be so nice to have someone to share these moments with. Maybe, maybe one day I will find the love that I want but until that day I keep moving on with a positive attitude.