The Empty Chair

I was so hoping to have a nice dinner with my kids and James but Ryan didn’t take his meds last night and I saw them today and he took them before I could stop him. Of course he passed out because he has pills for sleeping and so as it goes he fell asleep on the couch and Shelby, James and I had dinner.

The fourth chair sat empty and I avoided looking at that chair because I didn’t want to think about Bob but it was a distraction none the less. This is the second Thanksgiving without Bob and that is a good thing because the second holidays without your spouse is kind of  a landmark for healing.

The first holidays are always the roughest and the second ones you seem to “remember when” and for me it has been easier than the first one for sure. These are mile stones I need before I can move on completely and I am glad I am not in a serious relationship because these are things I need to do myself and for myself.

No one can ever feel what you feel or think what you think and that is exactly why this is my “healing time”. I have to heal myself before I can let myself get seriously involved with anyone. Once I get past this year and the kids birthdays there will only be Bob’s birthday, Shelby’s graduation and our anniversary.

Once I am past those occasions then I will feel much better about getting seriously involved. I would like to meet someone and have a long distant relationship because I would like to know someone slowly. A long distant relationship would give me time to adjust to someone in my life and give both of us a chance to get to know each other while we continued to work on our own lives.

I want to have a lasting relationship and I think working on one slowly gives both people breathing room and not feel pressured. I am not one that is happy to skip down the aisle anytime soon if ever again. I would like to have an open relationship for a while until both of us feel we want to be exclusive.

Fakes And Phonies

I read some of the blogs posted and it cracks me up as I know they are men writing pretending to be women, they pretend to live in let’s say England when they really are in Texas. What’s the point of writing a blog when you  aren’t honest with anyone including themself. 

A certain blogger believes I am writing about them because the initials I have been using are the same. Arrogant? Ignorant? Unsure of themselves, feeling guilty? I have no clue but if they feel I am writing specifically about them, then they should no longer read my blog. I could give a fuck about anyone elses life at the moment as my plate is overflowing.

As most of you know I have an online stalker, he has already located me on a dating site and I have no idea how to shake this dude. He needs to concentrate on his gf and be honest about his fetish for me. How can you build a relationship with someone when you  are attracted to someone else.

Isn’t it interesting that men do shit like that behind their wives and gf backs? How many of you think you know your significant other? Don’t fool yourselves because you do not know that person like you think you do. Proof is in a divorce, that is when you see the real person and what they are capable of.

I went to the cemetery this morning and bitched out Bob, I must have looked like a lunatic as I ranted and raved and kicked at his grave. It’s odd how I think he is alive still at times and how angry I am at him and want to slap the shit out of him. He babied the kids and did everything for them and I mean everything.

Not allowing your kids to grow up really hurts them later in life, like right the fuck now in high school. My husband’s mother always babied Bob’s brother because he was asthmatic and Bob had to do cut the grass ect. because his brother could not. Bob was never shown any affection as a child and he raised our kids the same way.

My husband only hugged be several times during our 18 yr. marriage, he wasn’t affectionate at all so to make up for that he bought the kids everything they wanted and did everything for them. He was a quit gregarious guy, people loved him and yes he could charm the panties off a nun and my son has the same charm.

My husband turned our entire town against me when we were getting divorced, that is how small this town is, the cops were ticketing me for no reason, seriously now that is plain fucked up but a small town people talk and the story always gets bigger and better as it is passed on.

All because of Bob my neighbors are cold as ice to me even to this day. I am not a hunter but I do believe if you can’t shoot a dear, hell shoot your neighbor. I know, shitty attitude but the guy is a moron, seriously gives me the creeps and I never wanted my children alone with him because he is creepy, like bad creepy.

I recorded Titanic blood and steel, I think it’s about the building of the Titanic and what the men went through. It’s a several hour series and it looks so interesting. I know most of you think how boring it would be to sit and watch that but hey, I like history, I like learning so I’m a geek but I’m a damn cool geek, just ask my son’s “friends”.

 

Dodging Bullets

It seems as if I am forever trying to dodge one bullet after another because I have been involved in so many messes. I am going on this vacation and keeping it from the child services worker not keeping it from her but told her I was leaving the sixth of next month.

She doesn’t need to know and besides Shelby is at the house and the neighbors will keep an eye out for the kids as well. I just really need to get away and I’m going, no it is not going to be filled with wonder and excitement as I am going to rest.

I must admit I know Mr. Perfect will ride up on his shiny horse and whisk me away into never never land, I just hope I don’t run into Michael Jackson, I mean let’s be serious his face is scary with all those surgery’s. It would be wonderful to meet the man of my dreams but let’s face it life isn’t that good to me.

I am trying to clean my basement and that is scary in itself as I feel when I go down there I may never surface again. There is so much junk that needs to be hauled out and the salvation army called to come pick it up, there are Bob’s clothes that are still in a mover box and they will be the first to go.

I have more non ambulatory equipment then you can shake a stick at, I could start my own handicap division. I need to put that stuff up on Craigs List and sell it. I do not want reminders of my past life and I’m donating a bunch of Nascar stuff as well just to get rid of it.

I have more picture frames then a framing shop and those are going as well. I want to get that basement ready to rent out to cover the payment on the loan I had to take out. I have to get new carpeting laid and set up the “private gym” I have a sauna as well I think I might put back in my bedroom.

Life is moving forward as usual with no shocking news or arguing which is exactly how I like it. When Shelby comes home I am sure the arguing will start again. She rags on Ryan so much I am hoping things have changed but I doubt it.

It’s funny as hell when we have an argument and the door bell rings, we instantly stop and change our attitude because we think it’s a cps check up. Lol, it is funny how quickly people pull together when they feel threatened as we do as a family.

When Shelby turns eighteen in January things will be so much easier for me as she will be an adult and I won’t have to worry about Ryan if I want to go somewhere for a few weeks. Damn this trip has my head all screwed up my itinerary is

 DTWto ALB | 27 Aug 2012 Show Details
12:06pm DTW 1:40pm ALB Nonstop

ALBto DTW | 11 Sep 2012 Show Details
4:30pm ALB 6:21pm DTW Nonstop
McNamara Terminal 1h 51m DL 37331 Economy (T)

You’re probably wondering why I put it in my blog, well I’m a lazy one and it’s easy to copy and paste, lol. So I now will remember when I’m leaving because there is so much going on right now it’s to much for my pea brain to remember.

Do Pinks and Purples Blend?

Do Pinks and Purples Blend?

It’s the end of the season and the kids and I went to the rv as it is time to close up soon, so we took the seventy mile drive and did a few things and came home. I really love it there as I look across the “road” to an empty field

The clover sways in the breeze and the other assorted weeds and flowers color the field of pink and purples. The blue birds dot the sky and the clouds take on shapes of animals, it was a lovely day and I know it was hard for the kids.

I just realized I am going on vacation the date of Bob’s sixteen month passing and I will not think of it again as I am working to hard to move on and I will not let myself fall back. The kids where melancholy at the rv and they mentioned their dad a lot.

The things they did together, or so they remember and I let them have all the fond memories they want as it does give them some comfort. I enjoyed the break and being with the kids is always a grin but I like to see them be nice to each other and they were.

I’m really looking forward to getting away and just relaxing because I sure need it and I am so looking forward to having no pressure, just good times and laughs. I must admit I am nervous to finally spend time with a man but I am so ready for it.

As far as a committment or anything like that well you have to play it by ear and just let things flow and see how things go. I have no doubt we will have fun because I like him, I like talking to him he has an “air” about him he is subtle, there’s a quiet within him and I like that.

He is self assured but no overly confident, in fact quite the opposite he goes after what he wants and he really expects to get what he wants and he does, but me well I am a puzzle to him and I have no clue why. I don’t know what he wants to know but hey I’m not that hard to figure out, or am I?

Of course, I am a contradiction of emotions and thoughts, I mean really what did you expect me to say? That I make perfect sense all the time? Not likely, hell I confuse myself regularly and yes I am a stupid shit but I laugh at myself when most can’t.

I want to experience NY with a looseness, no confines, restrictions or demands, I want to just be, enjoy life, the days and nights.I will enjoy my company and that goes without saying, he’s just a nice guy what else can I say.

I feel safe when I am chatting with him which is so odd but he makes me feel “quiet” inside and that is good, very good for me. I can play lazy so damn well that I cannot wait to get on that plane and escape from this dead town.

I really want companionship so bad and actually having an intelligent conversation with an adult, well hell what do you call that anyway? When someone you have a conversation with really grabs your attention and keeps it? I don’t know but that is what happens when we chat.

I was going to meet someone else but things didn’t feel right so I blew that one off and lucky for me I just got contacted by my friend. We have been planning to 

Mr. Sandman

I have been feeling very uneasy the last four or five days and it’s because of the “trip” and how uncomfortable I have been feeling. I have been wanting and needing to get away from my life and just leaving it like a snake sheds it’s skin.

That is what I am doing now that I am feeling better that a “friend” is going to meet me in NY. I really like him and he and I get along so well when we chat. I need to be held first and foremost and just need to feel a bit of affection, real or not.

It’s been so long since I have had a man’s arms around me and it is time to feel it again. Bob has been gone sixteen months and they have been very long months. I have had many reminders of his death when I moved the bedroom around and the blood was on the walls.

I cleaned the furniture and more blood as well as on the floor, I do not know who it was worse for him or I but it killed us both never the less. Going thru a divorce to get back together and three days later finding out your spouse has a month to live, well that is hard damn hard.

I can honestly say I am sad at this very moment thinking back to him the hospital bed and the leukemia taking over his body and him throwing up the blood and packing his nose with wet tea bags to help stop the bleeding. I didn’t know a thing about leukemia or platelets but I learned damned quick, no platelets nothing to hold your blood together and you bleed out.

The kids refused to go into the bedroom when the third week came and he could barely get out of bed with my help. Damn, it really hurts to remember those days as I did what I had to do and didn’t think twice about it as I one day ran into the next.

The kids knew the end was coming but just couldn’t bring themselves to see their dad and my step daughters, well I had to fucking beg them, literally in tears begging them to come see him even though that hadn’t spoken in a decade he needed to clear up some things.

Same with Kay is second x-wife, I had her come as well, surely not for me but for the both of them as they had children together, spent their youth together and had a life together. She had every right to see him and I am glad she came to the funeral as well.

I am no hero, I am no one special but I can see beyond myself and my needs and no people do not treat you like they would like to be treated. Does that matter? No it does not because I have to live with me and no one else has to and God is my leader even though you would never think so.

I have learned much about pain and injustice and I am not going to do what others have done to me, I do not need to stoop that low and never will. I am very spiritual and have learned to do what is best for me so I pave my own way.

People can’t believe I went out of my way to get Bob’s kids and x-wife here to see him but the truth is I was lead down that road and did the “right” thing for me. Trust me, if I were Bob and he had been me he would have never made the calls.

But isn’t that Kimberly? Always Kimberly thinking of others, doing for others, wanting to be treated the way she treats others. Well, guess the fuck what? Others are not like Kimberly and that is ok because that is what makes me, me.

I probably appear like a stupid fool to you but I don’t care because I do not care what others think because if I did, I wouldn’t be living my life, I would be living a life for someone else. I have brought my grandmother home to die and was with her when she passed, my aunt died of legionairres, my brother was found dead, my husband died last April and my Dad passed in January.

I have lost my entire support system in the last five years and my mother and sister are just kind of out there somewhere. We really do not communicate and my sister and I talk because I have involved her in a legal dispute which will send money her way, and boy she loves green.

We didn’t talk for several years because she did a horrific thing but I had to reach out to her for reasons I do not care to get into at this point. I have had a whirlwind life the past several years, fighting like hell during a divorce that never happened was the beginning.

I fell for someone, yes I fell hard and no we never met or had any physical relationship but he showed me what it was like to feel cared for. No he didn’t care for me but scammed the hell out of me but I learned so much more from this one person than from anyone else I have ever known.

I left the marriage because I was so miserably unhappy and then we got back together, my step daughter called the state on me right after my husband passed because I was an emotional mess. The state took my kids, I got thrown in jail, my dogs were given away and the list goes on.

When you lose your kids that is hard but damn to take my dogs, my dogs got me through the divorce, the loneliness and emptiness, the saddest of times and the tears that never cease to stop flowing. I am putting this all behind me now and happy days are on their way.

Im going to NY and a “friend” is going to meet me, we have chatted for a very long time on and off and now we are going to meet. I look forward to adult conversation and just relaxing, my agenda is motel with kitchen, cook stay naked in bed eat, shower play around, get romantic and start all over again.

Fine, so call me a slut, I relish the name so thank you as I have not been with a man in years and it’s time, yes it’s about time to feel the arms of another, listen to their heart beat, feel the warmth of their body. It’s all sounds so damn wonderful I cannot wait for some R & R. Rest and Rape, yes a lady must be a whore in the bedroom and a great cook in the kitchen, hell at least I have one of them covered, literally lol, the bed, covered? get it. roflmao I’m such a stupid fuck sometimes

Bipolar Bad Ass

I am writing about bipolar disorder because it’s time to celebrate and share how well I am doing. I didn’t talk about it for the longest time because I was so afraid that I would have a major set back but that has yet to happen.

I was doing some really fucked up things when I was ill, I was meeting men that I didn’t know but all I did was smoke some weed with them. One guy wanted me to put on his x wifes fur coat and that was weird so I didn’t do it and made some excuse to leave.

I got scammed out of 23 grand, yes you read it right, 23 thousand dollars because I was so “in love” with a no name no face person on the internet. I was so desperate for love that he got me at the perfect time in my life, when I was weak and vulnerable.

When you are ill you feel so bad about yourself and when someone starts to build you up you grab a hold of them like they are a life saver. You get caught up in the bullshit they lay on you and you start to have feelings for someone you have no clue who the fuck they are.

You forget shit and lose stuff, go on spending sprees and sex sprees, you are very loud and appear disoriented, which you are at times. The mania keeps you up for days and you are wound for sound until the lows hit you with the force of a locomotive.

Depression sucks you down and you have no desire to do a damn thing and when it’s really bad, you do not shower, brush your teeth, hair and you have no desire to take care of your hygiene what so ever. You have no desire to do a damn thing and only do what is absolutely necessary.

You walk through the days without any desires at all and you  care about nothing or anybody, you are just walking dead. The depression makes you feel so down that suicide is the only escape or so you think at the time.

I was going to hang myself, I had the rope hanging from the garage door frame and had the dead man’s noose ready to go and Bob, my husband came home and stopped me. I was so ready to hand myself and I wasn’t thinking twice about it either.

But those days are gone, yes they are behind me and I am well, finally I am feeling great ok maybe not great but pretty damn good about myself. It’s a very hard illness to control and I have been trying to control it since I was diagnosed in 2002.

It’s been ten years of pure hell but I have finally gotten the beast under control and I am aware that I could succumb to the illness again. I keep a strict eye on myself and take my meds, see my dr. and go to counseling.

When you are down you cannot see up and do not believe you will ever feel better again but there is hope even though you may think there is none. If the truth must be known and it must if you are not getting better then you have several options.

First, let your doctor know that the meds aren’t working and if he/she doesn’t change your “cocktail” to your liking by the fourth time then it’s time to change doctors.Do not hesitate to change your doctor or voice your concerns.

For those that prefer holistic meds add marijuana, yes I know we have been programmed to think marijuana is a bad drug. Look at the side effects of all your meds and you will find that marijuana is so much healthier for you as is other naturals.

Smoking weed really does help as it relaxes you and puts you in a euphoric state of mind. Yes, it helps hell it helps a lot and is quite beneficial, I find it to be a “friend’ that cares and helps me unwind and chill out for a while.

My father passed in January and him and I would smoke weed together as we talked and he taught me new things. He was big into holistic medicine and he could control pain like no one I ever knew, he passed at home from colon cancer and I gave him hash laced joints for the pain in the very end days.

My dad was 74 when he passed and he smoked weed his entire life and he didn’t think twice about smoking and he accepted everyone for who they were. My dad’s IQ was off the charts and he created new laws, worked on a secret project for the govt, and he came up with money saving ways for a hamburger chain.

My dad knew I was ill and he tried to help me and keep me focused, he could tell when things were not going good for me and he knew when the mania had taken hold of me. My dad was someone special and I knew him as a man not a father.

He had me try different herbs and such to help me and he loved me even though he never said it. My father and I had no relationship until six years ago and the relationship we had built was special and I miss him so much but he accepted me for who I was, illness and all.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you cannot get better as that is a fucking lie, there are those that get better and I am here to stand up and say “fuck you I am better and you cannot knock me down”. Never give up and let go, never accept what others say.

I am the proverbial bipolar bad ass as I have overcome adversity and I have become one of the few that have gotten that bastard under control. You can never give up or give in because it’s up to you and you alone to take a stand and get help.

 

Forget It

I was going to go to NY but I see no reason to spend money to meet someone that works until 8 p.m. and has no time for me anyway. He just wanted to get laid and that is just wrong as far as I am concerned and I was not good enough to stay with him and he doesn’t have a car.

This is not the type of person for me not at all and I am glad I have walked away from that situation. I want a relationship and I want to meet someone that is ready for a relationship but not necessarily ready to jump in head first.

I’m in no hurry to get involved with anyone but if you are reeling from a bad relationship then I am not the person to pick up those pieces. I have picked up my own life’s pieces and I am ready to move on but not desperate and not jumping in.

I have learned to be more cautious which I have demonstrated by changing my mind about NY. I do not want to be someones fuck and good time, no I am not going to be either. As far as “him” well he is no more and never will be again.

I miss him but one must do what is best for themselves and that is what I am doing. It would have been nice if we had met and found out if there was a mutual attraction but we did not and that is just the way it went. I still believe God has meant for us to be together but I no longer wait for him and will never wait for anyone again.

When you wait for three years and there is no meeting then it’s time to shelf it and I have had no choice but to do just that. I just move through the days and do what I must but I still have days that I am down in mouth so to speak.

I wish to no longer wish to meet him or waste time thinking about what could have been or could be but that will never happen so do what makes me happy and makes me feel good about myself. He no longer rules my decisions as you can see by me almost going to NY.

At this point Im looking for a guy friend, someone to hang with and have fun with, I so like men and get along with them so much better then women. It would be nice to hook up with someone and just be friends without the expectation of sex.

I do not want a relationship based on great sex alone and I want to have a meeting of the minds if that is possible. Fucking is not something you base a relationship on as even sex does tend to get old with the same person after awhile.

I tried so hard to liven up Bob’s and I sex life but he was so rigid there was no excitement allowed, no he just wanted to cum and go. There was no cuddling, kissing or touching and I was always left feeling empty and alone.

I want a rich relationship, rich in communication and love one that is all encompassing and consuming on both parts. Someone that will take the time to understand and to listen and who let’s the kid out and loves to laugh and share.

I do not want the perfect relationship, no I want the arguments and disagreements because that is what builds a relationship, how you deal with disagreements. I’m so go with the flow most of the time but there are times I put my foot down and you cannot budge me.

Maybe one day I will find my soul mate and we will live happily ever after and enjoy our lives together but as for now, things are just go from day to day with uneventful moments through out the day and court of course. I will have my record wiped clean come December which is a good thing.

 

Just Another Tuesday

I woke up to the sound of the alarm and I shut it off and rolled over and went back to asleep until 9 a.m. and I would have stayed in bed if I hadn’t had to pee so bad. I got up and Ry was making brownies and listening to talk radio.

It’s nice to wake up and he is home, it’s comforting and just plain nice to have my son back. Shel is spending the night Wed. and taking me to the hospital on Thurs. for my procedure and the girl from Family First was here yesterday and she will be back on Wed and Fri.

She asked about support I had and asked me about family members and I told her I had no family, which is essentially the truth. My sister and mother are alive but they are not supportive and we do not have a relationship so they do not count.

She kept saying how sad it was that I had no family and that she has never had a case where there were no family members alive. Gee lady rub salt in the wound, hell make it kosher salt and really rub it in as if I am not reminded daily that I have no one.

She asked me if I had a “significant other” as in if I was dating and she asked about abusive relationships, there are none I told her and I told her my husband had only been dead a year and half and I had not started to date yet.

Yes, I was involved in abusive relationships when I was in my late teens and early twenties but I didn’t tell her about Bob trying to push me down the basement steps and Ry watching the entire episode at the bottom of the stairs.

These people want to know everything and the less I tell them the better and I do not let anyone abuse me any longer and haven’t for over twenty years, except Bob. He wasn’t a violent man but a very hurt man when I said I was leaving him.

We had a functional relationship, we functioned and that was it, we were dysfunctional if I want to be totally honest. I never want another relationship like that again and will not get involved with anyone that is like Bob. He wasn’t a bad man just not the man for me and I have accepted the fact that I made the choice to marry him even though I should have dug further into his life before putting that ring on my finger.

I miss him at times but not so much anymore and I no longer feel any guilt over his death which I am grateful for. I have ordered Shelby a thumbie for Christmas, it’s a necklace with her dad’s thumb print on a “charm” and on the back I had his birthday put at the top hers in the middle and the date of his death at the bottom.

It represents his love for her and even though he is gone the thumb print is a reminder that he is always with her. I know one day she will marry and she has no one to walk her down the aisle but me or her brother and it will probably be Ry walking her.

He is part of his dad and that is as close as she will ever get to her dad again. When people ask me to tell them what is good about my daughter my response is quite simple, do you have days to listen and list all that is good about my kids?

There is nothing “bad” about my children or any child for that matter, as we shape our children and they learn from us and cannot be held accountable for what others find to be “bad” about them. I remember when I was pregnant with my little girl and Bob said what if she is deformed or is a Mongoloid? I told him I didn’t care as she was my child but God took her so there was never an issue.