I think a muscular body is so hot on a guy and thighs and calves really get me going. I also like that little spot where the thigh meets the butt, ohh la la and then there is the six pack that makes me just want to do bad things. “C” has an awesome chest and he is so sexy but I can’t seem to do anything but friendly gestures.
I like his chest and the feel of it on my face and him running his hand through my hair as we are chatting. It’s so natural yet so odd at the same time. I am guilty of doing the most insulting thing that you can do to anyone without them knowing it, I think of someone else which I hate doing.
I find myself fantasizing about “him” which isn’t fair to “C” but I cannot help it. I fantasize that I am with “him” but I cannot have sex with “C” because if I do, I would feel “soiled” if “him” and I ever met. I know that is stupid but I am the way I am and I have morals and ethics I just cannot throw away.
I am a strong believer in breastfeeding and I breastfed both of my kids, my daughter was so small she couldn’t latch on and I pumped milk for her but my son, that boy latched on like I was his life saver. It’s moments like these that rip at my heart as a mother. I have no one to lean on, no family and my friends have their own problems.
The guy I have been seeing is now sitting on the back burner because I do not have time for him. He doesn’t know my history and he has no clue what I have been living through. The last thing I want is to meet someone and listen to their fucked up life problems and I will not do that to anyone.
I used to talk to “him” but not anymore, he is to busy and I take up to much space with my problems. I know people should always stand by you no matter what but that isn’t fair to do. Sometimes, we have to deal with adversity ourselves because it will shape our future in some way.
I feel like this is my time to stand strong and in one, without someone to help me. Sometimes the answers are all in helping ourselves no matter what pain they may bring. Keeping my own counsel seems to work in my favor but also against me at times and I know the answers all have to come through me or by me.
The fool says it is strength the wise one knows it is karma and the lonely dove will eventually fly with others when God opens the cage of life experiences. I am in so much pain all I can do is write as it is the easiest way for me to purge my swollen belly of the nausea. I am hopefully going to be a better person in time but as of now my lessons are long and numerous.