Pleeeeeaaaaasssseee

The shower is running and the steam is rolling from the room, you step under the water and it runs down your body but I am nowhere to be found. I want to wash you, kiss you, hold you and comfort you. It is our time soon enough if we hold on and keep the faith, the love that surrounds us is precious and unusual.

Hearts-Desire

We can try to deny the truth of our connection for only so long and then the man steps in and makes it happen. We walk hand in hand as the mist parts for us to have free passage. This is our life, this is our destiny and this is the place we belong but for only so long because we will be one in time.

Do not turn your back, do not close the door, do not run into the dark and stay out of the shadows. I will always protect you, I will always hold you dear to me and I will always be yours and yours alone. I tried to replace you but you have become my restrictor plate, you hold me tight and you push away the others.

You are a lover and you are a dreamer as I, do not deny it because we both know it’s true that you belong to me and I belong to you and you can run but I have a tight hold so do not jump off the cliff of denial because I am attached to your heart and you are attached to mine.

Feminine Control

IMG_3788Women can control men so easily and men fall for it most of the time. I was listening to my daughter talk to her bf and she was bossing him around and he just couldn’t jump fast enough. One thing I have learned in my life is when someone jumps and does everything for someone they are also building anger.

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When you boss someone around they begin to feel less than who they are and their self esteem is affected. Eventually, they blow up and want to control everything. There is no more “honey how much money do we have?” There are no more days where one is asking the other about bills being paid ect., it’s proof time.

I watched this happen with my husband, he accused me of hiding money and making investments he didn’t know about. Hell, I wasn’t hiding a damn thing, he just never cared as long as he had his cigarettes and food to eat. He cashed in so many investments and screwed the kids but that is water under the bridge.

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I am thinking about making some very radical moves where my son Ryan is concerned. I am tossing back and forth about letting him test out for his g.e.d. and put him into college. I don’t know we will have to see, his attorney thinks it might just be the way to go with Ryan.

Shelby is finding her own voice and finally standing up for herself with me. She is still afraid I am going to get mad at her but I am trying to explain how hard it is. I am letting go of my little girl and watching a woman emerge and  that isn’t so easy for me to swallow even though I must.

Sports Thighs

Well this appears to be my lucky month as I am meeting another guy, he is a bit young 32 but he is ready, willing and able. He is 6’4″ and skates behind a hockey stick professionally. I have been chatting with him on skype and he seems to be looking for the exact same thing I am.

I love tall men and the taller the better and handsome, omg definitely and he is Italian on top of it all. I think I fell in a bucket of shit and came out smelling like the rose. I think I might have found myself a new photographer who knows and the best thing of all is I just got some hot new dresses.

Let me just say the dresses are revealing all over and if you wore a garterbelt you could see it. I think I will wear it the first time we meet strictly for shock affect, lmao. I so love shocking people and watching their reaction because people would never expect to have someone take off their jacket and you can see their body, like really see it.

Doing things like that is what I love to do, they are spontaneous, funny, shocking and flooring to people and their reactions are priceless. I know I am immature and childish, disgusting and revolting but damn I am fun and I can keep myself entertained quite nicely.

Rod & Reel

Remember when I was just a 

Fish?

Remember when we were 

Nothing more than a 

Credit Card?

Remember when I didn’t have a

Name

Remember when love was used

To complete the 

Game?

Who ended up 

Falling?

Who lost themselves

In who I 

Am?

Who now wants my

Love

Who now wants to give me

Money?

Isn’t it funny how time

Changes so much

Isn’t it odd how we are 

One

When I was to be

Nothing more than 

A fish?

 

Foodie 101

I am a foodie, I love everything about food from planting that first seed to serving it at the table. One would think I eat a lot but the truth is I do not. When I go out to eat I am hungry and I order a lot of food but I can never get past the soup or salad. I enjoy preparing food for others and knowing they are eating something they have never tried excites me.

When I was a child I drank milk right from the teet and eggs freshly laid without worry of getting sick. We can no longer eat our foods that way and safety is up to ourselves. I am fanatical about washing fruits and veggies and cooking most meats to the proper temperature.

Temperatures are not the only thing we must concerns ourselves with and I was reminded of that yesterday. Ryan and James decided to make a cake from box and Ryan told James not to lick the beaters because of salmonella. I was impressed that my son remembered the dangers of raw egg.

I have had food poisoning one time and it was terrible, my stomach hurt so bad and when I wasn’t throwing up I was shitting like a goose and sometimes it was simultaneously and it really left a shitty mess. 

Just For Me?

He stays away and makes money but has no time to spend that money, or does he? He says he wants to be with me, ya like I believe that line of crap. He has followed me online for years and lied all the way, he knows I know who he is yet he still hides like a little boy. I have become his “friend”. 

He reads everything I post because it appears that I am the only “real” person in his life. He sits back and laughs, feels sorry for me and I piss him off. I enjoy pissing him off because he deserves it for all that he has done. He thinks I wait for him, ya just like I’m waiting for a serious case of diarrhea while shopping.

It must be nice to sit back and read about my life and say you want to marry me, like that will NEVER happen. I do not envy him nor do I wish to live his lifestyle. Many would love to be wealthy and famous as he is but I find that to be useless and shallow. He is neither but sometimes people need a swift kick in the behind.

I have my faults but I have some damn good virtues and he doesn’t have a place in my life and he is slipping out of my heart as well. He has watched me suffer yet offers not one word of support. I get more support out of an over bleached bra then I do him and just like that bra, he is being trashed.

You can give for only so long and when you get nothing in return it’s time to pack it and ship it, to let’s say fucking Chile. So go your own way and forget me as I am forgetting you. You are a scammer and always will be, how sickening is that? You stole from me and my children you fuck.

Viento & Strength

I enjoy the feel of a soft wind on my cheeks when the sun is beating down and turning my face a natural pink. There is no sun and there is no wind and my heart is wiping my tears as I read the text from James:

“Mom, can you please call Ryan or let him call you he is crying” I cannot call him I cannot let him touch me-I have to guard my heart as I am hurting so much the pain is terrible. I want to drown out the silence of his voice, I want to block his image from my mind, I want to close and bolt the door, God give me the strength I need now-

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Write It Earlier

One thing that really gets on my nerves is going shopping and having to wait for someone to write a check. You know you’re going shopping with no cash and you’re going to write a check so why not make it out and leave the dollar amount blank? Is that so hard to do?

We generally have to wait in line anyway so instead of reading that magazine for free make out your damn check already and do not hold up the line. If it isn’t the check writing holding up the line it’s the lady that insists on buying something on sale and it doesn’t have a price tag.

This is exactly why I hate shopping and think I’m going to start a new business doing just that. Shopping online for people because I hate driving way to much and my fingers are so much safer. I am sure I can find someone who is too lazy and needs someone to do the finger walk for them.

I need to do something with myself because I am bored out of my mind and need something to keep me busy. I am very good with business and I have been thinking about starting a business but not quite sure what I want to do as of yet. All I know is it has to be an online business because I want to travel at the same time.

The Question

The thought of running my fingers through his hair and how soft to the touch it was and looking into his eyes that made you want to melt. Walking hand in hand and sharing a simple conversation on a crisp fall evening made him so alluring to me. His jeans hugged his ass so sweetly and you just want to pinch it or at the very least, pat it.

He is silly and goofy and he is funny as he tries to outsmart me, I just laugh at his feeble attempts to stop me from moving on my journey and he wishes he could be on that journey with me. He is intelligent and sexy, serious and aloof and he can be such a, such a pain at times.

Who am I writing about? Who do you think I am writing about? Someone I met last week or someone I have known for years? You figure it out and if you can ease your questioning mind, great and if you lead yourself further into jealousy and anger then you lose now don’t you.